“Right now?” This conversation can’t wait until tomorrow. It has to happen tonight. If we wait, I might lose my gumption.
Nate breathes into the phone. “I’ll be right there. Sit tight.”
I hang up the phone and glimpse what I’m wearing — a pair of grey sweatpants and an oversized University of Maine sweatshirt. This won’t work.
With newfound energy I never possess after dinner, I make it to my bedroom and swap out the outfit for ripped jeans and a tight, but not too tight pink blouse I like to wear for job interviews.
I stop in front of the mirror and check out my outfit. Shit. This won’t work. He’ll question why I’m dressed up again going to a job interview at nine o’clock at night. I have to be smooth, calm, unassuming. Pretend like I haven’t been affected by him being gone the last two days.
In the end, there is no time for an outfit change because Nate doesn’t stop and knock at the door. He walks right in like he’s always done.
How did I forget he has a key?
“Josie?” He yells, in a quiet whisper into the apartment.
I dart out of my bedroom cursing the outfit choice. “Coming.”
Nate meets me in the hallway. “Is everything okay? You sounded upset on the phone.”
With a deep breath, I go for it. I hug him, clutching to his chest like I’m scared if I let go he’ll fade away, but eventually I have to drop my hands and take a step back so I can face Nate.
“Nate, I was upset. I’m stupid and I’m so sorry for what I said on Monday. It was only because I was upset over losing my job and they kicked Emma out of daycare.”
His eyebrows pinch together. “They kickedmyEmma out of daycare?” I refuse to believe his use of “my Emma” means he still has feelings for us. I can’t get my hopes up.
“Yes, but it’s a long story.” I don’t want to get into it right now. “I’m sorry and I miss you. I would like us to get back to where we were before.” Before I went stupid and ruined everything. I leave that part out.
Nate stares at me… and blinks… and then he stares at me more. What he doesn’t do is start talking.
Oh screw it. The hopes are up that he’ll accept my apology and we’ll live happily ever after.
After what feels like a decade, he shakes his head no. “I’m sorry, Josie.”
My heart crumbles. All the wishes and dreams and hopes I had for us break down and fly away in the slight breeze when the central air kicks on.
My worst fears come true. I pushed away the best thing that’s ever happened to me since having Emma. I tossed the best guy the world has ever seen. The best one I stood a chance with. If I can’t make it work with Nate, there’s no hope for me in the future.
15
“You broke my heart, Josie. All I wanted to do was be there for you and you pushed me away like I didn’t mean anything.”
“You mean the world to me, Nate. I was being stupid and emotional.”
“And what happens the next time you have a bad day? Would you do it again?”
“Never,” I promise.
He shakes his head no again. “I just don’t know, Josie. You brought me into your house and I got attached to Emma and you. I don’t want to go back and forth. If I’m here, I want to be here forever.”
I reach for his chest but he steps back. “I want you here forever, Nate.”
He takes another step back, putting even more distance between us. “I need some time to think about it. You did a number on me and I spent the last few days thinking about how not to let that happen again.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“You told me you wanted to be an independent woman and I don’t want to take that chance away from you,” he says, halfway back to the door.
I don’t know what to say to make him stay. Or if there even is anything I could say to stop the destruction from happening.
