“You didn’t know me then. I was so proud.” Her head moves to the side and her eyes trail off, staring at a random spot in the wall behind me. “Way too proud. And mad.”
“I think you had a reason to be, Mom.”
“I was angry at the world and your father. At the first sign of trouble I said ‘forget him.’ We had a big fight. He told me I had to wait for his mom to come around, but I let her dislike of me hurt my feelings and I used it against him. I told him I’d raise you without his or his mother’s help.”
She stops talking, but for quite possibly the first time my life I want her to continue. These are details I’ve never heard.
“I was hurt because he didn’t live up to my expectations, but if life taught me one thing it’s that when you set expectations, you will be disappointed. It was me who pushed him away.”
My hand reaches across the table and I almost grab hers to provide comfort but then hastily pull it back when I remember the no touching rule. “You aren’t to blame for the choices he made.”
“I know.” She laughs again and shakes her head twice before a more jubilant attitude breaks through her demeanor. “William was a coward who should have been there for his daughter, but it doesn’t mean I don’t wish you could have a relationship with him.”
“I don’t want a relationship with him.”
“I want you to be happy, Clare. It’s important to forgive people their mistakes.”
The long hand on the clock ticks past the six and our visit will come to a close soon. As much as I’d like to sometimes, they won’t let us spend all day visiting. There are other people in the lobby waiting to see their loved ones.
“Have you heard any more about the rescue dogs?” I ask to change the topic. She and four other women inmates were selected as part of a new inmate dog foster program. So far the process of getting the dogs to the prison has been slow. Before my mother lost her mental freedom to drugs, she was a great mom and I hope fostering a dog will help her regain that.
She gets lost telling me about the ins and outs of the program. Pictures of the dogs they’ve brought in and issues with the program funding. I listen intently for the first few minutes, but then my mind begins to wander. Am I allowing my own pride to push Grant away?
I want to answer with a resounding no, but a piece of me isn’t so sure. As scary as it is, I might be more like my mother than I want to admit. I’ve been so pissed with Grant I haven’t been able to see past my own feelings and realize while what he did is wrong he is attempting to make up for it.
If only he could see I’m not the one he needs to help.
