I buried it. Even if the pain of my secret burned my soul, I buried the truth under loyalty and silence.
Now, years later, lying here wide awake with those words spinning in my head, I couldn’t help but wonder. Should I have said something back then?
The walls felt like they were closing in, each breath tighter than the last as my heart slammed against my ribs.
Did I ruin everything? Did I wait too long? Did I not push hard enough?
I smacked a fist against my chest, desperate to ground myself. My breathing hitched, coming too fast, then too shallow, heat crawling over my skin like a fever. Ripping off the covers, I climbed out of bed, needing air, space, anything.
Padding barefoot to the balcony, I eased the door open and closed it behind me as quietly as I could.
The one a.m. air cut through the haze like a blade, sharp, crisp, grounding. I inhaled deeply until my chest started to slow its frantic rhythm. Feeling the microscopic specs of earth in the air, I took another deep breath.
"Can’t sleep?"
I jumped. My gaze snapped to the side.
Aniyah leaned against the railing, the moonlight caught on her slinky black nightdress. Her hair spilled over one shoulder like a cascade of moonlit snow, her expression unreadable.
My face burned hot as my eyes devoured her, but I tried not to show it. “It’s cold out here. Let me grab you something?—”
Her hand landed on mine, stopping me at the door handle.
“I’m okay. Promise.” Her voice was soft, her smile softer, but it never reached her eyes.
I nodded, unsure what else to do, and let go of the door.
We stood in silence, staring out at the city. Peeking at her from the corner of my eye, she looked like she was contemplating an impossible equation, but I kept quiet, just staying nearby in case she needed me.
“Did I miss anything while I was asleep?” she finally asked.
I shook my head, turning to face her. “No. We decided to wait until you woke up. Rasmus was in an especially combative mood, though.”
She flinched and murmured, “Sorry about that,” eyes dropping to the street below.
The silence stretched again, wide and awkward. Even standing this close, she felt a thousand miles away. She was a dream I couldn’t quite touch. Calix’s words echoed in my mind, reminding me of who she was and who I wanted to be.
I needed to be brave enough to face her storm, even if it tore me apart.
Straightening my spine, I drew in a breath. “Why?”
The word came out too raw, too close to a whine. Shit.
I tried again, running a hand through my hair. “I mean, did you mean to call him that? Ras. Why givehimthat kind of power?”
She blinked, startled. “Power? What kind of power?”
I shifted my weight, exhaling hard through my nose. “Aniyah, calling him your boyfriend puts him ahead of the rest of us, the ones you keep at arm’s length. The ones who only get... pieces.”
She threw her hands up, groaning at the sky. “Ugh! I don’t get it! Alic’s my bodyguard. Maso was hired by Nova. You’re my second-in-command, and Lucus is a VIP member! You allmean more to me than just a casual hookup! Why would calling Rasmus a boyfriend suddenly make him more important?”
I searched her face. Past the fire. Past the deflection. There was fear underneath, and it cracked my heart open.
“Because it’s something we want,” I said quietly. “Something deeper. A connection that lasts.”
She shook her head and backed up a step, trying to compartmentalize everything into the box she’d crafted. “But a boyfriend isn’t forever. It can fall apart in a moment.”
I stepped forward, closing the space. “So, that’s why you avoid the mate bond conversation.”
