I sat there and thought about all those things because I wanted more than anything to be with her, to spend my life with her, but what kind of life would it be?
“Are you okay?” She whispered. I looked at her, realizing I zoned out and saw her face etched in fear. Why was she so scared?
“Of course, I am. The real question is, are you ok?” I didn’t want this to be about me and my thoughts. I wanted to help her.
She looked down at the mattress, picking at it with her fingers as she whispered like we were kids hiding from the adults. “I was worried that you wouldn’t want to see me.”
It dawned on me that she thought I had changed my mind on pursuing her because of the revelation of her birth. I shook my head furiously. “Never. I will always want to see you. If I’m sad, mad, happy or concerned, I will always want to be near you.” She sighed out, like one weight had been lifted, but she had many more to go.
“Then why do I get the feeling you’re upset?” This time she looked me in the eye, watching for any lies, but I didn’t want to lie to her.
“I’m nervous about the future and the role I will play, but I’m not giving up on you. I have decided you're worth everything to me, and I won’t give that up because of some stuffy fuckers. I don’t give a flying fuck if you are the Maker God’s own child, I want to be with you… if you’ll have me, that is.”
She gave me one of her special genuine smiles as she scooted closer to me, tucking her chin under mine and weaving her arms around my waist. Her breath hit my collarbone, making my skin light up at the touch and I wanted nothing more than to tug back her head and devour her mouth, make her moan out my name before I even began to touch her, but something inside of me prevented me from taking it further. Something inside of me was calling for me to hold her, talk to her, be a genuine couple that can share each other’s triumphs and pain.
We stayed clutching each other for a few minutes before I asked her, “How do you feel about your father?”
Her intake of air was the only indication I got that she was surprised by my question. She said nothing for a full minute. I was about to ask her again, wondering if she just didn’t hear me when she answered.
“Conflicted.” She grabbed onto me tighter, like I was a security blanket that she needed in order to get out what she was feeling. I kissed her head and murmured to her that she could tell me anything. She let out a ragged breath, “I think about all the time I wasted trying to get him to love me, trying to be the best assassin to keep the family name prestigious. I thought about all the times he would tell me I needed to be careful and that my survival was paramount. I used to wonder; Why would he buy me all that magical healing cream when it would cost him a small fortune? Why did he want me to come back here and be the king’s new assassin? In a logical sense, it all feels like a waste of energy and time. It feels like my childhood was robbed from me. Then I thought about it further and I realized he saved me.” She looked up at me, her eyes shining with un-spilled tears as she continued, “I could’ve been killed that night. Valkon would have no problem killing a baby to ensure his throne, and he took me away. Hid me. Then turned me into the best weapon he could possibly unleash onto the king and to ensure my survival.” She blew out a choppy breath as she whispered at my chest, “I don’t know whether to be mad at him or thank him? I feel even more lost than when he died.” I ran my hand over her hair, trying to soothe her in her time of need.Say something, you idiot!
“I might not know what it’s like to have an assassin for a father, but I know horrible men. I know they tear you down to make themselves look and feel better. They use your weaknesses in order to control you. They beat you and punish you for trying to live your life how you see fit. From what little I’ve gathered from you, your father never forced you to do anything you didn't want to. You did things in order to prove something to him or get something from him, but the fact of the matter was, he never really did anything like that to you. Was his methods harsh? Most definitely. Should he have been a better, more loving father? Fuck ya! If he was here today would I want to punch him in the face? Yes." She smiled up at me through her watery eyes and I knew I was hers. "The fact of the matter is he actually built you up to be an amazingly deadly woman that could survive anything, and in this cruel world, those kinds of skills are invaluable.”
She nodded against me as she sniffled, and I froze up, not able to speak or move a muscle. I didn’t do well with women crying. Well scratch that, it wasn't women in general - because I could handle that- but it was more like if she was crying. She was always so strong and capable that having her cry on me was scary and I was starting to freak out. I was sure I was about to do or say some dumb shit and I really didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be that emotional invalid like Ajax.
She must’ve felt me freeze up as she patted my chest and giggled though her sniffles, “So crying girls are what takes the great Zayden down, huh?”
I didn’t want her to think so low of me, that I was pathetic enough to not be able to handle a few tears, so I tilted her head up, brough my lips a hair away from hers as I said, “Bring em.”
She laughed as some spilled over, but since she was smiling as well, it didn’t hurt so badly. For a second we just looked at each other and I leaned down, and kissed her as she looked good enough to eat a five course meal on. My lips sliding across her soft plush ones, making my heart beat so fast I thought she could feel it.
Usually in my profession, we didn’t kiss much, and if we did, it was an expensive kiss and almost everyone would prefer a fuck over a kiss. This was different. I wanted her to know that this was more for me than just fucking. This was more than just being obsessed with her. This was about making a connection and being there for each other.
My tongue slipped between her lips, tasting her, savoring her with all that I had. She moaned, but it was one out of happiness instead of lust. I cupped her head and tilted her back further, leaving no space in between our bodies as I tangled our legs up around each other.
Her fingers dug into my back as she let me take control and that was a different kind of high. The fact that she was letting me control the intimacy, letting me show her how I felt and then responding in kind, was its own kind of foreplay that I didn’t know would be so arousing, but that wasn’t the point of me coming here tonight and I wanted tonight to be different. I wanted it to be a defining moment.
I pulled back and looked down at her, waiting until she looked up at me. Her tears had dried up and her cheeks were flush. I spit out the words I wanted to say this entire time before I chickened out and never said them and regretted it for the rest of my life. “Can I hold you tonight? I don’t know when I will ever get another chance like this again, just you and me, and I would like to just be here for you. To banish away any demons that come your way tonight.”
Her eyes got glassy again as she wore a wobbly smile, but the pain that was there disappeared and something close to appreciation, and that four letter word I desperately wanted her to say, shined up at me as she nodded and snuggled in closer. Just for tonight, we can forget about everything else and I can be a boy that loves a girl.
Chapter 28
WhenIwokeupin Zayden’s arms this morning, it was like I was transported back to that morning, the morning I left them all six years ago. I was in the same spot, facing him with Ajax snuggled behind me and Rykon tangled around my legs. I remember waking up feeling like this was the best day of my life but then I felt eyes on me, saw my father’s disapproving stare and reality came crashing down around me. Now, years later, I'm in a similar situation, in love with all three of them and yet my dead father’s presence was still looming over me.
As much as I turned it around in my head, even if he wasn't my biological father, he was still the only one I knew and I couldn't separate him from the word father. I couldn't suddenly call him Stevos, it sounded weird to me. Once I got over that, settling into the fact that he was and will always be a father to me, I felt like I had one hurdle down.
From that point, it was a whole lot of questions of why. Why did he take me? He could’ve given me to Ruby’s mom, Katrina, and she could’ve raised me. I knew they were close as she was the only one that knew about me and my father. Maybe I should ask her about it when I get back? She was a young cook in the castle when I was born, she must’ve known more then what she led on to. She was the only person in Onisea that had my father’s ultimate trust. Maybe she could help calm the confusion clouding my mind.
As I got out of bed Zayden’s arm snapped out, reaching for me. When he didn't feel me, he sat up in a panic looking around the room frantically until his eyes met mine. He stared at me, wide eyed and panting before he crawled over and hugged me fiercely. “I thought you left.”
“Without you?” I asked, confused by this sudden and vivid reaction. He was pressed up so close to me that I felt his heart beating erratically and I automatically started to rub his back, trying to calm him down.
I felt his arms start to slide down as he let go and he blew out a deep breath as he smiled up at me, “Oh, you never know. You might get tired of me.”
I could tell he was trying to play it off and I didn’t want to force him to talk to me so I eyed him up and down, licking my lips as I bent over and gave him a quick kiss as I breathed out against his lips, “Naw. I think I’ll keep you.”
I strode to the table and chair, sitting down to lace up my boots. I flicked my eyes up when he thought I wasn't looking, watching as he was gazing off in the distance with a silly grin on his face. Once he started to move out of bed I looked back down and I tied the strings into knots.
