This time, my body stiffened, and I didn’t move. I knew who that was going to be and I just didn’t know how to handle it, what to expect from him. For the first time in years, I felt fear.
Since Zayden was near the door, he gave me a concerned look, noticing my change in demeanor as he carefully opened the door.
“Oh, it’s just you.” Zayden complained as he opened the door further and a hooded figure quickly came in. As soon as Zayden closed the door, the figure took down his hood and it was Vance.
“Wow. Long night buddy?”
Zayden wasn’t wrong. Vance didn’t look like he got a wink of sleep. Baggy dark circles were around his eyes, his hair stuck out every which way like he kept pulling on it for hours. His clothing looked like it was the same from yesterday, but wrinkled and dirty.
“I was up researching.” He replied in an even tone, while still not looking at me while I stared at him. I was sure the others could feel that something was going on between us, but thankfully, none of them said anything as he stayed near the door.
I wanted to go to him. Ask him what I could do to make all this weirdness go away. I wanted my best friend back. I felt further away from him than ever before, and now I was about to put more distance between us while I searched for this damn book.
All of us stood around in awkward silence, feeling the tension in the air. I was about to break it and ask Vance if we could talk when Rykon beat me to it.
“So, are you going with us?” Rykon was careful not to put any tone or inflection of how he felt into it.
Zayden, of course, had no such compassion, as he laughed in disbelief. “Of course not. That would be ridiculous.” His gaze bounced between me and Vance. “It would be way too dangerous to take the one person who had true power on this team on a trip that I’m sure was deadly and hard to achieve. Emerald wouldn’t tell us anything about it, so I assumed it was likely we could die, and putting the prince in the middle of that would be the worst thing we could do.”
I watched Vance’s fist tighten the more Zayden said. I almost thought he was going to lunge and punch him in his face. My muscles clenched as I got myself ready to break it up, but all he did was grit his teeth as he slowly and painfully replied.
“No. I’m not going on this trip.” His eyes flicked to mine. A myriad of emotions swam in them before he shut it all down. “I’m here because I have the map you will need to get to the librarian.” The words came out of his mouth, but he didn’t make a move to hand it over.
I was about to ask for it when Vance blurted out, “Emerald, can I talk to you? Privately.” He went into my room after I nodded. I looked at the others, Zayden and Ajax not looking too pleased by his request, but Rykon’s eyes never left Vance. I saw the questions building up in his eyes.
I turned and walked into my room, quietly shutting the door before turning to face him. He was facing away from me, his hands behind his back as he stared at the makeshift bed on the floor.
I cursed myself for being put in this situation as I rushed out, “Zayden needed a place to stay last night.” When he said nothing, still staring at the floor, I followed with, “He slept on the floor.”
“I noticed.” He finally answered, his voice sounding lost, and my heart tugged.
I straightened my back and faced him like the assassin I was, but my legs were trembling, and my heart was beating so fast I thought he could hear it trying to escape my chest.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, almost like he was preparing himself, before he turned to face me. His face was blank and his lips set in a thin line as he looked at me like a general to a lowly private. Like he was just here to state facts, as if he didn’t know me, and it hurt.
My chest caved in as he continued. “Here is the map.” He took it out of his cloak and set it on my bed. “It should all be there. I even mapped out the fastest route with the least amount of people around to ensure this mission stays as private as possible.”
When I didn’t say anything, he nodded and gave me a wide berth as he walked to the door, effectively ending our conversation. I hated this feeling of confusion and doubt I had with him. Like I didn’t know my place anymore. How we couldn’t talk freely with each other.
This manic energy rose in me. Pushing me to do something. To say something. I couldn’t let him leave like this.
“I didn’t get any sleep last night.” I called out as I turned to him.
He paused at the door, his head tilted my way, but he still didn’t make any effort to further the conversation. I took a shaky step forward. “You know I’m not…” I bit my lip as I closed my eyes. “I’m not good with feelings and relationships, but I do know I hate this.” I motioned to both of us.
This time he turned to me, regret and pain swarmed his eyes as he whispered, “I do too.”
I took another tentative step, digging deep down for more feelings, as he responded better when I did that. “I wish I could take you, Vance.” Looking away as this wild energy that filled me up, telling me to keep going so he doesn’t leave thinking he doesn’t matter to me.
“You are the light to my dark. You help remind me to be… Human.” The last part came out low, barely a whisper, because I know it’s true. “After my father died, I had a choice, a fork in the road about who I would be in this world and if… if it wasn’t for you and Ruby, I would be unrecognizable to you.” I looked into his crystal blues that were big and bulging, and I couldn’t blame him. This was weird, even for me.
“This husk of a person who had no care or feelings for the world around me. You guys give me purpose in my life. Making sure I don’t become dead inside.” He took a step closer to me, hands twitching to touch me, but I needed him to understand.
“I am too dark for you. Born for the shadows of the streets not the shining light of the palace halls. It works between us because we’re friends and I can count on you for anything or in any situation but if… if we became more, I would just darken your light, not protect it like I am now, and I would never forgive myself if I did that to either of you. I would slit my own throat to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
He still didn’t say anything. He was looking at me like he was losing me while finally seeing the broken creature that I really am. He has always seen me as this strong unstoppable force, this unbeatable woman, and I think he even romanticized it, but I wasn't. I was fractured. Broken. Not whole. If we got together, I would swallow his light with the gaps that are missing and I would hate myself if I did that.
“I need to do this mission. This needs to be successful. Not just for me, not just for you, but for the people of Onisea. For the people that you taught me to care about. For revenge on your father for what he did to mine.” I moved closer, within touching distance, and slowly grabbed his hand. “But most of all, for the future you made me want to believe in. I think that you and I have a real shot at it.” My eyes implored him to believe me.
