But also, my prison. I was trapped, unable to go in the water for fear of finding myself blindly swimming to the depths or being dragged there.
A siren should not fear the water.
No one was out so early aside from whoever had the crow’s nest and whoever had the helm, so the silence was an eerie comfort. One I hadn’t been able to enjoy for a while.
“Bit early for you, isn’t it?” a gruff voice eased through the silence.
I knew Gus’s voice better than most. He had a specific rasp that worsened right after he smoked his pipe. I wasn’t surprised he was up at that crisp hour, either. He usually was. Like me, Gus did not have an easy time sleeping. He was one for noise and chatter and the silence didn’t sit well with him. He joined me at the railing, holding his pipe unlit between his teeth.
“Another dream, I’m guessing?” he said. I nodded once. “Does he know?”
“I don’t know. He has not said anything if he does.” I glanced over at him. “Should I tell him?”
The question was genuine. I wasn’t accustomed to being with someone like I was with Vidar. I knew honesty was a cherished thing between two people who cared for each other, but honesty also terrified me. Perhaps my dreams were nothing but my own fears taking form. Perhaps they weren’t worth a second thought. Either way, they were unwelcome.
That recurring nightmare felt… different.
Gus groaned, leaning on the railing with his elbows.
“I think you should trust Vidar. He might be a hard man—a cruel man, many say—but he’s cruelest to our enemies. Almost everyone on this ship can attest to that. He’ll be cruel to yours, too.”
“What if my enemy is myself?”
“Hmf. I think he has a way of handling that, too. I may have hated the idea of you being aboard this ship, but you’ve proven to be a fierce member of this crew and an even fiercer lover to our captain. You could have slaughtered us, one by one, in your days here, but you never did. And now you killed the man that Vidar disliked the most. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.” Hepaused for a long moment, taking his pipe out of his mouth and staring off into the sunrise.
That word kept whispering through my thoughts like a taunting sprite and the more I heard it, the more it unnerved me.
“If you’re being haunted by something, Dahlia, don’t let it grow until it crushes you,” Gus continued. “I’ll tell you this. Our captain can take the weight of the world on his shoulders and then some. Does he deserve to? No. Do you want him to? Probably not. But he would for any one of us, including you. That’s why he’s our captain. I’m older. I’m more experienced, but I could never lead us. I don’t want to. I’ve seen that boy—that man—shatter and put himself back together even stronger than before. So, if you don’t want to tell him what’s keeping you up at night, that’s your choice, but I know that Vidar would choose to bear that weight with you if he knew there was weight to bear.”
Another bout of silence grew between us as Gus enjoyed the sunrise and I mulled over his words. He was right. I knew he was. It didn’t make it easier to tell Vidar. Even in my head, I could not put the sentences together. I wasn’t a mystic or a far-seer. My dreams were simply my mind playing tricks on me and trying to break me down.
I wanted so badly to endure it and be done with the matter. Weeks and weeks of the same, repetitive vision was tearing me apart, though, in a way I wasn’t used to.
“I’m going to go find some of that bitter tea Boil got from the last port,” Gus groaned, slapping a hand on the railing as he turned to leave.
“Gus,” I said over my shoulder, causing him to turn and raise his brow over his one remaining eye. “Thank you. I don’t know yet if I’ll take your advice, but I appreciate it nonetheless.”
He let out a raspy chuckle. “I’m old. Advice is about all I’m good for these days.”
I watched him limp away, a hand pressed to his hip. His joints had begun deteriorating. All the action we’d seen in the past fewmonths was taking its toll on him. He’d survived my mother’s sadistic massacre on his old crew. He survived her plucking out his eye and eating it in front of him. And then he survived hunting sirens on the Burning Rose for years.
He was as vicious as the next man, but he deserved better.
A flicker of concern flashed across my thoughts as he disappeared below deck and I wondered how much more a man like him could take.
Turning back toward the open ocean, I found myself feeling weaker than I ever had. Worry did that to a person. My mother always told me that affection was the death of reason. She was right. The more people I had to worry about, the more vulnerable I felt.
Perhaps my dreams were just a reminder of that. In the end, the monsters were stronger than all of us. One day, they would win.
The slight vibrations of boots approaching drew me from my thoughts once again. I peeled my eyes away from the water and turned them to the purple horizon as two large hands braced themselves on the railing on either side of me.
Vidar’s hard chest pressed to my back, his head dropping to plant a kiss on the side of my neck. My eyes fluttered closed at the sensation. Whether I liked it or not, he was keeping the pieces of my fractured mind together. Without him, I would shatter.
I hated feeling so dependent on someone, but I could see no way around it. Not yet.
Vidar brushed long black strands of my hair over one shoulder so he could lavish my neck with his lips. I sighed contently at his touch.
“I don’t enjoy you being out here alone,” he said. “Here, where I cannot reach you.”
