“Yes, sir,” I reply, my voice steady, despite knowing this conversation will determine whether I live or die. As the other recruits disperse, heading towards the celebratory feast, I prepare myself for a different kind of trial—one that involves facing the wrath of Edward Donovan in the confines of the castle dungeons.
Chapter 45
DELILAH
What if Xavier dies…
The thought fills my mind, leaving space for nothing else. It’s like a snowball gathering density and weight with every turn, becoming an emotional avalanche that threatens to crush me. Kill me.
My chest is tight, each beat of my heart banging against my ribs, until the pain from it has me pressing a hand to my sternum. I take deep breaths, willing my pulse to slow, but it doesn’t. If anything, it quickens, reacting to every ounce of fear and anxiety that courses through my blood.
“Delilah, everything will be okay.” June’s voice is soft, soothing, yet it barely cuts through the fog of my worry. She pats an empty space on Xavier’s bed. “Why don’t you come sit next to me?”
I shake my head, not trusting my voice. Her words are meant to reassure, but the possibility of losing Xavier, of never seeing him again, is a thought I can’t handle.
“X will be fine,” she says. “He and Declan have trained for this.”
I continue pacing, each step a tiny battle against the inertia of despair. The motion keeps the panic at bay, just barely. “Training isn’t always enough,” I whisper, more to myself than to her.
June stands, her movements fluid and graceful. She steps into my path, halting my nervous trek across the room and grabs my shoulders. Her hold is gentle but with enough pressure to anchor me.
“Look at me,” she urges, her voice firm while still tender.
Reluctantly, I lift my head. In her gaze lies not only sympathy, but a reflection of my own terror transformed into fortitude.
“I know it’s hard,” she continues, “and I know saying ‘it’ll be okay’ doesn’t mean shit right now. But remember who they are. Remember who X is. He’s not just fighting to survive. He’s fighting to get back to you.”
The warmth from her grip seeps into my skin, lending me a fragment of her strength. “But what if it’s not enough?” The question slips out, laden with all the vulnerability I’ve tried so hard to shield.
June pulls me into a hug, her embrace enveloping me. “Then we face that when it comes. But knowing X, he’d do anything to be with you.”
I rest my head against her shoulder, and the rhythmic beat of her heart against my ear offers a strange comfort. “How do you know?”
“Because he looks at you the way I want Declan to look at me. Like I’m his world,” June finishes softly, a wistful note in her voice. “You don’t see it because you’re too close, too tangled up in your own emotions. But from the outside? It’s clear as day. Xavier’s in deep, Delilah. He’sallin.”
The affirmation sends a fresh wave of emotion through my body. I close my eyes as my love for Xavier threatens to drown me. Just as much as my fear of losing him. I can’t imagine my life without him.
We separate, and I attempt to smile, an expression that feels more like a grimace. Despite her encouraging words, a relentless stream of “what ifs” continues to cascade through my thoughts, each scenario darker than the last. My mind is a battleground, and I’m close to admitting defeat.
June takes my hand and leads me to the bed. With a tap on my shoulder and stern look, she sits. I do the same. The texture of the bedspread beneath my fingers serves as a focus point, something tangible amidst the swirling storm of my anxiety. The fabric bunches and smooths under my restless touch, mirroring the uneven tempo of my emotions and the need for action.
If only there was something I could do to help Xavier.
Outside, the wind picks up, its mournful howls echoing the turmoil within me. Inside, the dim light from the desk lamp casts long shadows across the room, stretching like specters of doubt creeping into the corners of my mind. I’m going crazy, and I’m powerless to stop it.
June tilts her head. “Did I ever tell you about the time that I slept with the entire debate team?”
The abrupt change in topic, as well as the inquiry itself, has my mouth falling open. I shake my head.
She smiles. “They had an actual debate as to who was most qualified to sleep with me and why. It was amazing.”
I nod, grinning despite my worry for Xavier. “I bet.”
“Nerds get a bad rap. Those guys were very competitive and determined. Not to mention they study and retain information better than most people.” She sighs. “Those were the days.”
“But now you’re with Declan and…”
She hangs her head. “He doesn’t feel the same way that I do.”
