I’m running.
From my feelings.
From the unknown.
From Rafael.
I tap my thigh and stare out the window as the driver takes me closer to my destination. Periodically he stares at me in the rear view mirror and always looks away when I meet his gaze. It’s not hard to read the confusion on his face, which is due to the address I gave him. With every rotation of the tires underneath me, I’m closer to my old apartment and further from the safety Rafael offers.
But is my heart safe?
If I were to be honest with myself, the answer would be no. I recognize every moment with him is nothing more than a business transaction, but with every day that passes, I find myself saddened at the idea of never seeing him again. It’s complete and total stupidity.
But it’s there nonetheless.
The vehicle turns a corner and the street light above lands on the engagement ring, making it sparkle merrily, despite the darkness of night. I run my thumb over the large diamond in the center and reflect on Rafael’s proposal earlier. We’re supposed to be in a fictitious relationship, but the passion and earnestness that came through each and every beautiful word he expressed? I couldn’t tell he was doing it all for show.
It felt real to me, to my heart.
And Iwantedit to be real. In that moment, I was transported to a fantasy realm where Rafael truly loved me and intended to marry me for no other reason than because I’m the one he wanted. The vision, brought to life by the actual proposal, uncovered a yearning in me so strong I almost wept in longing.
That’s why I felt the need for physical distance, in hopes that it would give me the clarity I need. It’s difficult for me to think with his provocative words brushing my ears, his beautiful face filling my vision, and his hands caressing my body.
And maybe his soul is starting to seep into mine as well?
I shake my head as though that will rid me of such thoughts. It doesn’t. The only thing effective enough to combat my preoccupation with Rafael is the sight of my dilapidated apartment building. It’s worse than I remember and I was just here days ago. It couldn’t have deteriorated so quickly because there hasn’t been enough time for change.
But like a camera with a high shutter speed, I capture the image in my mind and every single detail is distinct and crystal clear. It makes me wonder how I ever stayed here, and not because I’m too good for this place, but due to the fact it’s worse than a landfill.
However, none of that matters because I’m here for the flash drive and Dusty. And I won’t leave without them, which will be easy since the USB is disguised as a pet ID tag. It stores everything the Silvestri family will want to know about my father and it’s a lot of information. I’ve been collecting it for years, a little at a time, unsure when I’d use it but knowing I’d need it someday.
Having that inside knowledge in my possession will help me even the power dynamic between Rafael and me, because right now he’s the one who has all the leverage. Not to mention, his brothers expect me to give them something tomorrow, so I have to retrieve it. I disguised it as Dusty's name tag, knowing if I’m ever searched and it’s found, I’ll be killed immediately. And if my cat gets lost, he’s chipped and will be easily located.
The vehicle pulls to a complete stop just outside the main entrance and the driver’s expression is more pinched than before.
“Are you sure you’re in the right place?” he asks. He sweeps his gaze over my formal attire, no doubt seeing the wealth draped on my body, as well at my throat and ears.
And I can’t forget the ring.
I rotate the band of my engagement ring until the diamond is unable to be seen and then square my shoulders. “Yes, this is correct. I’ll only be inside for five minutes, maybe less.”
Time is of the essence. I know I won’t be back to Rafael’s before he finishes his shower, but hopefully I can be on my way when he notices I’m gone. I’m surprised he hasn’t already started calling my cell phone.
“Will you wait for me?” I ask the driver.
He glances around and the cloud of worry in his eyes thickens. “Make it four minutes and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
I nod and quickly exit the car. If that’s all the time I have, I better get moving. Which is difficult in the heels I’m wearing.
Fuck you, Jessica the saleswoman.
With my head on a constant swivel, I walk up to the door. A good shove jiggles the bolt from its slot and I slip inside. The faded threadbare carpet muffles the clicking of my heels and I’m of half a mind to take my shoes off. But I won’t because whatever’s on the ground… I shudder and discard the thought.
At the top of the first set of stairs, I scan the long hallway of my floor, and then make a beeline for my apartment. When I reach the faded gray door with missing chips of paint and the upside down #2, and remove my key from the clutch that’s worth more than this entire building.
The bolt of the lock quietly whines as it slides into the unlocked position and the stale air from the inside wafts under my nose the second I open the door. The darkness that greets me is nothing new, yet I almost can’t make myself go inside. How have I lived here, in a place that’s practically a death trap?
Because I had nowhere else to go.
