She crosses her arms over her chest and she lifts her chin in that way she has—so that even though she’s shorter than me she still seems like she’s looking down at me.
“I don’t think I should have to apologize because I care about my career. And yours. I’m trying very hard to keep both of us employed.”
I expect the hurt to hit me like a punch to the gut but really, it’s more like a burn that I can’t feel at first. Expectation, numbness, then the throbbing.
So this is what it feels like to know you’re not good enough.
It feels like complete shit.
It feels like your heart breaking. Like the hurt, the realization comes over me slowly, creeping up my spine. It hurts this much for a reason. Because I love her. Even though she hurt me and I’m fucking pissed at her, I get it. I hate that she’s hurting, too, and it’s because I love her that I want to take it away. I want to take her in my arms and run my fingers through her hair, tell her everything will be okay. Do everything I can to make it true. But she’s closed to me right now. And besides, she’s the reason I feel this way at all.
“I think that we should table this for now. We can talk more on Monday,” Corrine says, gathering her coat.
I laugh but none of this is funny. Only I would realize I was in love with someone because she stood me up. “Fine. I’ll make sure to put it in the agenda for the Monday meeting.”
She stops at the door, turning to face me. But whatever I think she’s going to say, she doesn’t. Her jaw hardens and her lips purse and she’s gone before she’s actually left.
Amy and Jeremy sway to the hip-hop pumping through the speakers. Emily smiles at me over the rim of her glass. Maybe it’s the warm and sunny weather that’s blanketed Boston or the fact that the Sox are playing like kings this season but the city seems energetic, fresh, and it’s rubbed off on everyone.
“Thanks for organizing this,” I yell across the circle to Emily. The email invitation for a happy hour event that rolled into my inbox on Sunday afternoon was exactly what I needed. Something to be excited about that wasn’t Corrine.
Emily nods in time with the music.
I lean closer, unsure if she heard me. “And thanks for letting me invite non-work people.”
I’d been feeling guilt for lying to Jeremy the other day. So I invited him and Amy as an apology they maybe didn’t know was necessary. It hasn’t been nearly as awkward as I thought it might be, mixing my old-friend group with new people. Probably, I haven’t given Jeremy enough credit. He can make friends with anyone.
She waves my words away. “Of course! The more the merrier. Too bad Corrine couldn’t come, though,” Emily yells, leaning into the middle of the circle to address me directly.
I take a sip of beer. I didn’t realize how addicted to Corrine I’d become until we went a whole weekend without speaking. Other than a few work-related emails she sent on Sunday night, we’ve had zero contact. She was stone-faced through a client meeting this morning and stayed closed up in her office all day.
“She’s pretty busy, I think.”
I turn back to my sister and Jeremy but I can still feel Emily’s gaze on the side of my face. She’s been doing this since we arrived, staring at me in a way that sends alarm bells down my spine.
I feel my phone signal a message in my pocket but I ignore it while Abila and Marisol regale us with their tales of woe from Accounting. I have a beer but it’s mostly for show. It feels strange to drink in front of colleagues. Abila is in the middle of a rant about invoicing when Emily slams her drink onto the high-top table beside us.
“Holy fucking shit,” Emily yells.
Abila scowls at the interruption but her expression quickly morphs into one of shock. “Oh.Oh my god.”
Amy, Jeremy, and I turn, following their gazes, and I nearly drop my beer bottle. Holding her stark-white coat folded over her arm, Corrine leans against the bar as the bartender passes a tumbler of clear liquid across the dark wood. We watch in silence as she comes toward us, stopping a few feet shy of joining the group. “Hello.”
I bite my cheek to hide my smile. I think if anyone saw it they’d know that my feelings for this woman go far beyond professional respect.
Emily recovers first. “You made it!”
She reaches for her, grabbing Corrine and pulling her into the circle, reminding her of the others’ names, and introducing her to Jeremy. Amy and Corrine share a secret, awkward smile as they shake hands.
The group starts chatting but I can’t stop staring at her. She smiles slightly as Abila continues her story, a little more subdued and with way less swearing than before. Emily grins the entire time and Corrine listens intently, her eyes flicking to mine once, again, and again.
I’m supposed to be spending time with my sister and my friend. But now I feel like a compass needle, constantly having to move my gaze away from her true north. I shift my weight and look everywhere except at her but it feels like every time I let my guard down, blink, she’s there.
I pull my phone from my pocket and find the text message from earlier. It’s from Corrine.
Are you still at the bar?
I reply,Not that I’m not happy to see you but...what are you doing here?
