I JUST KISSED MY BOSS.
On repeat, brain static. In another time, that now feels like another life, that’s something I would have told him right away, before hellos were ever uttered. But not anymore.
Other than Amy, Jeremy is my closest friend. But right now, when he’s standing in front of me, he feels like a stranger. Something has changed. And it takes me this awkward silence to realize it’s me.
I’vechanged.
Jer’s smile fades. He puts his arm around my shoulder, nodding toward the living room. “Everyone’s here,” he says quietly. “They can’t wait to see you.”
We round the corner into the living room and a cheer goes up from my friends who have strewn themselves across the living room, watching a baseball game. Amy pops up from the couch. “I invited everyone over to celebratenothaving to eat dinner with our father. There’s pizza in the kitchen. Surprise.”
She does jazz hands.
I shake my head. “I already ate,” I lie.
I’m not sure I can keep food down.
Amy rolls her eyes and lets out this little huff of annoyance. I clench my molars together and take a deep breath in through my nose.
“Can I speak to you?” I ask her. “In the kitchen?”
What I really want is to lie down on my bed and inspect what just happened between Corrine and me. I want to hold the moment in my hand and appraise it like a jeweller with a new diamond. I can still hear that sound she made when I kissed her.
But also...I just kissed my boss. My palms get clammy.
I am getting fucking fired tomorrow.
I cross the hall, not waiting for her reply. Amy follows me in with her plate in hand and starts loading up on slices, like she’d always meant to come in here anyway. My fingers find plastic cutlery to fiddle with. My chest feels tight from anxiety but so do my pants just thinking about Corrine. The combination feels like that awkward stage of puberty where an erection could pop up at any moment, leaving me feeling like a lightning rod with an anxiety disorder.
Plus, “arousal” is not a feeling I want to have in front of my sister, especially in baseball pants.
“A little warning would have been nice,” I say. “About this so-called surprise.”
Amy looks up from where she’s peeling tomato slices off her pizza.
“I did warn you.”
I close my eyes, rubbing the spot where my glasses rest on the bridge of my nose. The urge to flee is less of a pull and more of a push, a need. Sweat dots my brow and the back of my neck. I think I’ve just totally fucked up my life.
“Why do you need to be warned that our friends—who you haven’t seen in ages—are coming over?” she asks through her food. “I thought you’d be happy.”
She says it in this way she has. Like she’s done me a favor and I’m not grateful enough for it.
“What am I supposed to talk to them about, Amy?” I snap. “Our dead mom? Our shitty dad? My boss who—” I almost say,who hates me?But now I don’t know if that’s accurate or not. Or if it’sespeciallyaccurate.
My voice echoes in the kitchen and the murmuring from the other room has stopped.Great.
“Fuck,” I mutter and rub my hand down my face.
“I didn’t think you’d be this upset about reconnecting with some of our friends.”
To be honest I didn’t think I’d be this upset either. But knowing they’re all out there, probably waiting to ask me a whole bunch of questions aboutHow I’ve been?andWhat’s new?only highlights how much of a failure I am. That I’m just starting an internship when they’ve been out working for two years.
That I might have just ruined everything because of a moment of misplaced attraction.
“I just...” I look away. “There’s too much between us. Too much space. And time.” I turn back to her. “You know?”
She shakes her head. Of course she doesn’t know. Everything has always been so much easier for Amy.
