Briar nodded, her mouth tight. “Right.”
She took another bite of soup, then twirled her spoon in her fingers. “I’ve got to be real honest, Tarr,” she said. “I’m not sure I can handle that rejection. If I text my mom and dad and they don’t text me back, or they say they’re not interested….”
She let the words hang there, and Tarr kept his gaze low. Though he didn’t dip his spoon in for another bite, he let several seconds of silence flow between them.
“So what are you going to do?” he asked.
“I’ve been thinking that I’m the one who initiated the distance between us, and I’ve been okay with it all this time, so maybe I don’t need to text them.”
Tarr looked at her then, really trying to see if that’s how she felt.
“A family isn’t always a family just because they’re related by blood,” she said. “I have you and Tuck and Bobbie Jo.” She waved her hand. “And all the Hammonds; they like me, andhaving my mom and dad here for a wedding would just be super stressful anyway.”
“Is that what you’re thinking about?” Tarr asked. “Having them only in your life for the wedding?”
“I haven’t given much else any thought, no,” she said. “And Kristie’s parents weren’t at her wedding, and it was beautiful and lovely, and she was really happy.”
“Yeah,” Tarr said. “But you’re not Kristie Higgins.”
“I know.” Briar’s voice had turned soft and small, and Tarr hated that. “It’s just what I’ve been thinking,” she said. “Because I think if they don’t respond, or the response is bad, that it will set me back five years, maybe longer.”
“Well, we don’t want that,” Tarr said, because he couldn’t imagine waitingfive more yearsfor Briar to be ready to marry him. Heck, at this point, he was worried she mayneverbe ready to marry him, and he wanted her to continue to be able to heal. If that meant she didn’t have her parents in her life, then perhaps that was the right thing to do.
“Why do you think they won’t text you back or want you in their life?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” Briar said.
But Tarr thought she did, and just like at Thanksgiving, he felt like he could push her and get a real answer. “I think you do,” he said. “Why can’t you just tell me?”
His words maybe came out a little aggressively, but he didn’t back down, and he didn’t regret the question, because Briar said, “I’m not lovable.”
Tarr scoffed. “Oh, come on, Briar. That’s just ridiculous.”
“Maybe for you,” she fired back. “But it’s how I feel, Tarr. I don’t—” She cut off and made an angry sound. “I’m not like you, okay? I’ve never had anyone love me just for me. My mom and dad loved me because of what I could do and the fame that I could bring them, and my fans loved me for my performances,and the other rodeo cowboys I dated loved me because I had curves, and they thought they could take advantage of me.”
“Wiggins loves you,” Tarr said.
“Wiggins is adog,” Briar practically shouted.
“Tucker and Bobbie Jo love you,” he said.
Briar’s jaw hardened.
“I’m just not sure that I can take the rejection,” she said. “They let me go so easily, and I don’t think they want me back in their lives.”
“But you don’t know that,” Tarr said. “You made it hard for them to find you.”
“Did I?” she asked. “How many people do you know named Briar?”
Tarr had only ever met her. “Well, I think you’re totally lovable,” he said.
“But I’m not,” she said back, and she seemed determined to argue with him today. “And just because you feel like that doesn’t make it true, and it doesn’t mean that I can automatically flip a switch and feel like other people can love me.”
Tarr wanted to throw his plastic spoon as far as he could and knock over the pot of soup, because Briar felt further than ever from being able to be with him long-term. Sure, they spent time together every day, and he held her and he kissed her, and they talked about their favorite TV shows and the animals on the farm andhisdreams and goals—but not hers. Never hers.
The anger boiled in his stomach along with the soup she’d brought, and he really wished he could just go back to work and hammer out his frustrations and disappointments. She was essentially rejecting him in this moment, and Tarr honestly had no idea what he’d been doing for the past six months.
No,he thought.The past year and a half—you’ve been dealing with this woman, trying to get her to see something inyou that maybe doesn’t exist for eighteen months, cowboy. Or maybe it does exist, but she’s not ready to be with you.
