"It wasn’t." I lower my chin. "It made me realize emotions like love don’t have a place in my world. It’s why, when I left the Royal Marines and focused on building up the company, things finally began to make sense. As long as I didn’t get my feelings involved, I’d be safe."
She regards me with something like shrewdness and, also, pity. Discomfort slithers under my skin. I resist the urge to say or do something in response. That’d be a sign of weakness. Only this isn’t a game.
It’s not one of my corporate power plays. I don’t need to put on an act here. This is me and my wife having a conversation. And it’s okay to be myself with her. Right?
"You are one of the most astute people I know. It’s nothing short of a miracle that you managed a turnaround of your company in such a short period of time. But for someone so smart, you can be really dumb."
I reel back. "Ex-fucking-cuse me?"
"You know what I’m talking about. You’re letting the events of your past hold you back. You’re using what happened to you as an excuse to not take risks."
"Not take risks?" I snort. "Without taking them, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have been on the Forbes forty-under-forty list without taking risks at every stage of my career, both in the boardroom and in the war room."
She gazes at me steadily. "I’m not undermining all of youraccomplishments in either space. And of course, it would have taken guts to do what you did. But when it comes to your personal life, you’ve given up before you’ve even started."
The back of my neck heats. "You’d better explain yourself."
She must hear the edge in my voice and the threat that has the hair on my arms standing on end. She swallows and looks a little shaken, but does she back down? Of course not.
"You’ve decided you’re never going to fall in love because you’re too scared of being hurt." She firms her jaw. "You, who’ve not flinched from an enemy’s bullets or from navigating the hostile terrain of corporate takeovers, are unable to come to terms with your own emotions. You don’t even want to try because you’ve decided you’re going to get hurt." She throws up her hands. "It’s cowardly and so bloody frustrating." She looks about ready to tear her hair out. "On the face of it, you’re the most macho man I’ve come across, but you lack courage."
"I lack courage?" I try hard to keep my voice even, but it emerges as if I have razor blades lining my throat.
She stiffens further. "Facing your internal fears is a sign of true courage. And that, you don’t have."
A fine anger pinches the sides of my vision. It’s as if a haze of red has descended on my brain. "You have no idea what you’re talking about."
She scoffs. "You thought you could buy me with your agreement and handing the shares over to me. You thought you could distract me from the fact that you’ve decided you can’t fall in love with me."
"It’s not a distraction."
Itisa distraction. And my wife is smart enough to have seen through it. And she’s right. I did want to, somehow, make up for my inability to fall in love with her. I wanted to give her what she most wants. I recognized the burning ambition in her, that hunger for achievement, backed by the need to be acknowledged for her efforts.
"What else do you call it?" She folds her arms across her chest. Her stance is both belligerent and defensive. There seems to be this wall between us, replacing the defenses which have collapsed aroundmy heart. And I’m finding I don’t like it at all. And that confuses the fuck out of me.
"Look, this is how I can show you that I’m dedicated to this marriage. I want you to have the shares in good faith. I see you as my successor. It’s why I had the shares made out to you. I believe in you, Lark.”
She swallows hard.
“Once you become CEO, I’m free to pursue the things that give me the most joy."
Her eyebrows knit. "Which is focusing on veterans’ affairs and startups?”
Not only.
I’m happiest when I focus on you.Why am I not able to say that aloud? Instead, I firm my lips.
"Yes,” I manage. “That’s what’s most important to me."
"I see." A stark expression filters across her face. She draws in a few sharp breaths.
Then seems to come to a decision.
She marches over to the table, grabs the contract. “I’ll accept the CEO position.” She shoots me a sideways glance. “At least,I’mhonest about what I want. Unlike you.”
“What do you mean?”
She sets her jaw. “I wish you’d be honest about your feelings for me.”
