I sent him a quick message that I'll be busy these days and that I can't. Let him have fun playing the perfect son. I'll have my own perfect day.
I welcome the familiar darkness wrapping itself around me. Emotions? Fuck no. I'd crawl on my knees just to avoid feeling.
Everything I am has always been wrong.
Wrong son.
Wrong teenager.
Wrong bastard.
Wrong brother.
Wrong lover for my Daddy.
Always wrong.
I laugh bitterly. Is there even one right thing about me? All I've ever been is a quiet disappointment. They never said it out loud, but I saw it in their eyes.
Never enough. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how hard I fought. It's always the same.
Wrong Sebastian. Poor Sebastian. Never enough Sebastian.
This and that. Always bad names at play, never loving. Loving ones were a pretense for a proper facade, but never authentic.
There are only three things about me that have ever beenreal. Three things no one can take away from me.
The murderous part of me. The one that devours every second of a blade pressed to skin, every scream, every beg for mercy I'll never grant.
The little part of me. The one that loves to play with toys or body parts, depending on the day and my little's mood.
And the part of me that loves my Daddy. The part that would do anything for him. Anything.
These three parts are at my core. Twisted, yes, but mine. The only things that keep me breathing.
But today, even they sink deeper into darkness.
This was our first fight. The way I exploded wasn't like me. Part of me wanted to hurt Daddy the way he hurt me. Twist the knife. Make him bleed the way his words bled me dry.
That's why I left. If I'd stayed, I might've hurt him. And no matter what, I would never hurt my Daddy.
My Daddy is precious. Even when he hurts me.
Today I'll go home and sink into Little space. I'll play with BoBunny and drown myself in toys and shadows.
And tomorrow, I'll bleed the monsters Fluffy sends me. I'll take my time and savor it.
I sent one last message to Fluffy, then shut my phone off.
It's time for little me and murderous me to play. Everything else can wait. Because if I don't give these parts of me time to play, I'll fucking destroy everything in my path. No matter what it is. Even if it's Daddy standing in front of me.
Chapter fifteen
Ezrah
Ispent the whole day cleaning obsessively. It was the only thing I could think of that would keep my mind and hands busy.
But there's only so much you can scrub in one apartment. I even contemplated tearing through my closet and reorganizing everything, but stopped myself. Instead, I collapse on the couch, running my hand absently over the fabric.
