Twice? He’d felt that desperate two times in his life, and I hadn’t been there? “Fuck, Cres.”
The potatoes were ready to strain. He kept himself busy with them, walking around the kitchen, keeping his eyes everywhere but on me. “Yeah. So, I started seeing Lee after that. He was great. Truly awesome. But, I don’t know—after about a year, I decided I needed a clean slate. Therapy and meds had helped so much, and I hadn’t had an episode in forever. Lee pleaded with me not to end our sessions, or at the very least, to let him find me a therapist here before I moved. I ignored him, and I left. Moved here. Learned how to bake at Love ’n Sugar, which became my lifeline. Baking made everything that much better. I fucking love it, El. I love it so much. I can just zone out with it; not worry about the world around me, and create something beautiful and tasty at the same time.”
“Like me with painting.”
“Yes, exactly that.” He poured the potatoes into a bowl, spooning in butter and salt, before mashing them all together. “After a while, I stopped my meds. I didn’t have a psychiatrist or doctor to prescribe them anymore, so I did what no one should ever do, and I weaned off them myself. It didn’t take long for the shadows and voices to come back, and when they did, they were ten times worse than before. After a few weeks of dealing with them and my depressiongetting worse with each day, I went to the bridge. Just to see.”
I tilted my head, searching his face. “See what?”
The fork he was holding clanged against the bowl over and over, the mashing getting more aggressive by the second. “See if I could do it. If I wanted to, I guess. When I got on that bridge and threw my legs over, I was really planning to do it, you know? I’d made it that far, right? But, the most insane thing happened that made me stop.” He pulled away, placing his hands on the table, looking up at me. We locked eyes, his gaze more intense than sad. “I thought I heard you call my name. Probably a hallucination, but I heard that shit. Your voice stopped me. The reminder of you reminded me of the life I still wanted to live. Just in case I got a second chance.”
My voice didn’t want to work. Neither did my brain, actually. “You stopped me, and I stopped you. Sort of.”
“Yeah, baby. That’s part of why I told you back then that I couldn’t pretend this doesn’t feel like something I shouldn’t give up on. Realizing we lived in the same town, seeing you on that bridge—the same bridge where I’d tried to jump, and you had saved me.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, Cres. That you’ve had to go through all of that alone, and that you’ve felt this way for so long.”
He grabbed one of the steaks, dropping it into the heated pan on the stove. “No reason to be sorry. I hadn’t had an episode in a while when we finally met again. I’m not exactly sure what changed, but it happened. My earbuds help with the voices, and I’ve gotten better at ignoring the visual hallucinations. I fucking hate that it started when it did.”
I stood from the table, walking behind him. The need to feel him in my arms was far too much to ignore. Wrappingmy arms around his middle, I pressed my forehead against his back. “You’ve been so strong, honey. So fucking strong for me. I don’t need you to struggle silently, though. Do you think they have someone who could help you at the office I’m going to?”
“I’m sure they do.”
“Will you look into getting in with someone?”
I stepped back as he turned around in my arms, facing me. He cupped my face, staring down at me. The way he held me was gentle, his thumb swiping over my cheekbone. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”
My face must’ve said a million things before my mouth did. Crescent’s eyes were darting all over my face. “Fuck no. Absolutely not. Why would I think that?”
“I’d never heard of my type of depression before, so I assumed I was going fucking insane for a very long time. I think I was scared you wouldn’t want to depend on me if you knew.”
Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his in a short, sweet kiss. “No, sweetheart. Never. I’d never think you were insane, or crazy, or undependable. You’ve done nothing but be there for me. As kids, and now. I love you. No matter what. That isn’t going to change. What I do want to change, though, is the lack of help you’ve gotten. If medicine worked before, I think it’s a good idea to start on it again.”
“God, what good thing have I done to deserve you?”
Holding his cheeks in my hands like he always did mine, I looked up into his eyes, looking for the golden brown I knew lived there. “Existed. You’ve existed, Cres. That’s all you need to do for me. What youdeserveis everything and more.”
The sides of his lips turned up in a soft smile, his nose scrunching the slightest bit with it. “I fucking love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We stood there, holding each other in our own space, in our own bubble. I never wanted to come out of it, content to be with him there forever.
Until smoke started coming from behind him. “Um, I think the steak is charring a bit.”
His eyebrows shot up, and he whipped around, forcing me away. “Fuck!”
I ran to the counter and grabbed a baking sheet, handing it to him. He slammed the sheet over the fire, smothering the flames.
For a moment, I was transfixed by the sizzling sound coming from beneath the baking sheet. Like the water on the stove, it made me freeze. The muscles in my body were tightening to run from an invisible danger, despite me being completely safe. A ringing started in my ears, echoing over and over until it turned into the sound of fire alarms in my old house.
Jude running down the hallway to turn them off, only to run back to me, his mouth contorted into the grimace of the devil himself. His hands were raised, his fingers already curling into claws, ready to close around my throat. I’d backed against the stove, right into the burning pot. It’d startled me so badly, I’d jumped right into Jude. An angry Jude. A really fucking angry Jude.
“Baby? You okay?”
I looked up, blinking at Crescent in front of the sink.
“Come here. I’ve got you.”
