I walked over, slowly so as not to startle him. The closer I got, the more my smile turned into a frown. Parts of the T-shirt he wore were torn. The shoulder looked like it’d been stretched, then cut apart. I stood right beside him, looking down at the top of his head. He didn’t stop brushing his palm over the grass; didn’t even seem to notice me there.
Like he was in a trance, he stared forward. I sat beside him, nudging his shoulder a bit. “Fuck me,” he gasped, his head swiveling to me.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
“What are you doing here? It’s late, isn’t it?” His eyes searched mine, roaming over every inch of my face.
I studied his, cataloging each scrape and cut. One on his nose, blood smeared across his cheek, a busted lip. It was hard to see with only the full moon as my light, but I’d seen enough.
Leaning forward, I hovered my hand over his face, barely stopping myself when he flinched. “Elio,” I sighed.
He turned away, hiding himself from me. “What?”
“You know what.” I tried to swallow, willing my throat to open up instead of constricting my airway. It was useless,though. Tears burned in my eyes, welling up fast, forcing me underwater.
“It’s nothing.”
Shaking my head, I took a quivering breath. “You can’t tell me this is from your parents anymore. I can’t accept your lies, or shitty explanations. I can’t pretend it’s all okay anymore.”
Elio’s shoulders rose, then fell. He didn’t say anything, plucking a dandelion from the ground. Bringing it to his lips, he blew softly, then watched the seeds fly with the wind.
“Say something, El. Please.” I was begging him. I was ready to get onto my knees and plead. Though the man before me was twenty-six, all I could see was the seventeen-year-old version of him. My best friend. My ride or die. My everything, wrapped up in an Elio-shaped package.
He cleared his throat. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Just admit it, dude,” I huffed a short, broken laugh. “That’d be a good start.”
“How?” Something shone on his skin. It wasn’t blood, but I couldn’t tell for sure until he turned to me. It was a tear, falling down his cheek, stopping just before the start of his beard. “How can I admit this, huh? That Jude—the man I fell for as a teenager—hasn’t laid a kind hand on me in almost nine years? That I let it continue, even though I knew it wasn’t right? That I still think there’s a chance he could love me, even when all he shows me is hatred, and pain, and overwhelming fucking hopelessness? Huh? How the fuck can I admit that, Cres?”
He scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. “I should be more of a man about it. Suck it the fuck up, beat his ass for beating my ass, and leave. But I don’t. I haven’t. I’ve never stood up for myself, because all I’ve ever done istake it. All I’ve ever wanted was tomatter.I have to matter. He has to love me, or this is all for nothing. Instead, I’m stuck. Stuck with nowhere to go, no one to care, and I swear to god I used to have wings, but they broke a long time ago. I just wanna fly away. Fly away, and never see anyone ever again. Just—make it all go away.”
More tears cradled his face. I’d never heard him so desperate, or so sad. Even with his parents, he’d cried, but he had hope in his voice. He didn’t have any now. Not this time.
Frowning, I slowly moved my hand into his field of vision. I waited until he looked at it, and then I let him watch as I placed it on his arm. “I’m here. I care.”
“All you’ve done is care!” His voice cracked, anguish and heartbreak shattering the silence in the air. “All you’ve done for me is care, and I broke your heart. How can you still give a fuck? After everything I’ve done.”
“Because you’re my best friend.”
“No.” He shook his head. “No, I used to be. I used to be your best friend, but I’m nothing but an idiot. You can’t sit here and tell me I didn’t hurt you.”
“You’re right.” I gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “You hurt me, but that doesn’t matter. I hurt you, too. I ignored the signs. I let ignorance take over.”
“You were just a kid?—”
“And so were you.”
He stared at me, his mouth slightly parted. The wind kicked up, taking my hair with it, making the stray pieces fall into my face. “You were a kid, too. This isn’t your fault. Him hurting you isn’t your fault, El. You don’t deserve all of those things, and I should’ve tried harder to make sure you knew that. Let me help you this time.”
The sob that left his lips almost broke me. He lookeddown at his lap, breaking my gaze. “You can’t. I’m not sure anyone can at this point.”
Shattered and spent, I moved my head until I was in his field of view. “Let me try. I can take you to the hospital, you can crash at my place, we can go to the police station?—”
“No!” He ripped his arm from my grasp, breathing deep and hard. “No, we can’t. I can’t. I don’t want to do that.”
I tried to think, but it was too difficult. Everything was fuzzy, a swamp taking over my mind, the bog too thick to walk through. I didn’t know how to help him if he didn’t want help. I wanted to kick the shit out of Jude, and I wanted to hold Elio in my arms, telling him everything would be okay. I wanted to fucking strangle the motherfucker who’d hurt my friend for so long. The friend I’d once lost, and refused to lose a second time. “Where is Jude now?”
Elio sniffled, still keeping his distance from me. “At home, asleep.”
