Chapter One
He loves me.
My fingernails left a long, jagged scrape across the hardwood floor of the kitchen. I kept going, kept dragging my upper body across it.
He loves me not.
My knees pushed up, but I couldn't feel them. I braced myself with my hands, using them as leverage to stand.
He loves me.
Pain shot down my spine, the world turning into nothing but a haze of colors. I limped along, whimpers and sobs echoing through the living room on my way to the front door.
He loves me not.
I was so close. My hand barely grasped the doorknob before something hard smacked against the back of my head.
Heloves me. He has to love me.
The world swayed before me. It all swam in my vision before I fell hard enough to make the floor vibrate. The table by the front door swayed just like me, rattling enough that the vase on top tipped over and fell.
He loves me not.
Daisies, a perfect white with a gorgeous yellow center, crashed to the ground with the vase. Shattered glass cradled the blood on the floor. White petals stained themselves red, tainting the beauty I’d always admired.
“Goddamn it, Elio! What the fuck were you tryna do?” Jude screamed from above me.
Too hazy. Everything was too hazy. Shaking and whimpering in pain, I slowly touched my fingers to the back of my head. When I pulled them away, I saw the same red that had tainted the daisies. It was coming from me. I was bleeding.
Jesus Christ, I was bleeding.
Jude scuffled around me, grumbling angry words too quiet for me to make out. It didn’t take much to guess what they were, though. He was probably cursing up a storm, and I wouldn’t know any different over the constant ringing in my ears. I needed to get up. I needed to haul myself off the floor and get somewhere else.
Shards from the flower vase pricked and cracked into my skin as I tried to make my body move out of the way. I heard them crunching beneath my weight, a melancholy symphony beneath the background of fury.
Jude. The name comes from Yehudah, meaning “praised” or “thanked.” I think he should’ve been named Judas instead. An evil, betraying man like him didn’t deserve praise.
My cheeks felt warm, then cold, then warm all over again. I couldn’t see very well, tears obstructing everythingin front of me. I pushed with my arms once more, chancing a blurry glance to my left. Jude stomped to the side, yelling and gesturing at nothing but air. The moment he was out of sight, I forced myself up.
I wrapped my blood-soaked palm around the dirty, dented doorknob and ripped the door open. The sun was starting to set, painting a beautiful picture along the horizon. It burned my eyes. Hurt to look at for more than a second.
The bottoms of my heels slapped loudly against the pavement, my legs taking me farther and farther from the house. It was hot. So, so hot. I thought my skin was going to melt and stick to the concrete sidewalk. The heat made it hard to breathe, too. I struggled through panting breaths, huffing and puffing, never stopping until I saw the grass. Grass, flowers, and familiar small hills.
I ran straight into the park, crossing over the walking trail. I hopped over fallen sticks and kicked up rocks. My feet took the brunt of it all, aching and screaming until finally, I slumped against the trunk of a tree.
Bark beneath my cut palms. Soft, ticklish blades of grass against the heat of my feet. A soft, summery scent lingered on the leaves and the flowers surrounding me. The stilted, burning breeze carried it to my nose, letting me smell the hint of safety.
I put all my weight against the lone tree, sliding down until my ass met the ground. To my right, a single wooden bench watched the world around it. To my left, there was an open field for anyone to enjoy. In front of me was a patch of daisies, white and perfect. They weren’t stained or wilted. Their yellow centers were unmarred, bright and beautiful as they waited to be admired.
The back of my head still hurt, pounding every few seconds. It had almost stopped bleeding, thankfully. By thetime I’d caught my breath, there was nothing but sticky blood covering the wound. I watched night take over, darkening the world except for the twinkle of the stars and the glowing gaze of the moon above.
It watched on as I plucked a lone, green stem and twirled it between my fingers. It was slightly rubbery, a little bit damp with growing dew, but it felt right. One petal turned into two, to three, then four, until all of them found their place on the ground around me. An old game I took with me from my teenage years. When the petals landed just right, it made me feel better. Like maybe Jude really could love me.
Other times, like tonight, as the wind took the final petal, it ruined me.He loves me not.
I knew that. Logically, I understood this wasn’t love. Jude wasn’t always so mean, though. And where the fuck would I go? Leaving was a moot point. So moot, in fact, that I stopped thinking about it years ago.
Through the broken leaves of the tree above me, the stars gave me a light show. A beautiful one, full of twinkles and the infinite shine of a life I’d given up on ages ago. They sang to me through the breeze, whispers and songs of bedtime lullabies, and a world more peaceful than this one.
