I lay my head against his chest, curling into him. My demons could attack me later. For now, I wanted to be near him.
Vibrations rumbled underneath my ears, tracing my jaw as Price spoke. “I think you guys should celebrate this year. Maybe I can come over and cook a Christmas dinner for us.”
I briefly imagined it. Sharing a proper meal with the spirit of Christmas all around us. It made me feel warm. “I like the sound of that. Did you ever do something like that with Samantha?”
Regret tinged my cheeks red as Price tensed beneath me. I peeked up at him in time to see the silhouette of him shake his head. “No, actually.She’d invite me to do something, but I always said no. It didn’t feel right.”
There was something unspoken in his confession. I guessed we were both hiding things from each other. “But it does with me?”
I couldn’t see him clearly in the dark, but I could feel his eyes on me. If the lights were on, I was sure I’d see something twinkle in his amber eyes. “Everything feels right with you, baby.”
Any other time, I would’ve chastised him for calling me that. The me from a few months ago would’ve slapped him square in the face for it.
The me now? I was rolling in it. Loving it. I wanted him to call me that a million more times.
“Everything feels right with you, too.”
If only that admission didn’t hurt so badly. If only the idea of splitting myself open for him wasn’t terrifying. I didn’t want to let go of Price, and I didn’t want him to let go of me. I just had no fucking idea how to let go of my old life and create a new one where gentle love was a possibility.
Foreboding,impending doom. It goes hand in hand with anxiety; when the itching gets to be too much, I start to make up new situations in my mind. Anything that could go wrong goes terribly wrong in my mind. None of it is logical. I know that. Doesn’t mean I don’t spiral without reason.
There isn’t a single piece of concrete evidence as to why I should be feeling this way. I woke up alone after dreaming of the last time I stayed the night with Crew. Things had been going well—too well, in my opinion. Willow was officially drafting a proposal and plan for me to open my own restaurant. Crew was more open, allowing me to do and say things he usually wouldn’t. Like letting me call him for no reason other than to hear his voice. Calling him baby, along with the beloved pet name Pretty Boy.
The other night, he let me kiss every inch of his body, starting from the bunny tattoo on his ankle to the top of his head. He didn’t squirm a bit, allowing me to take as long as I wanted. When I finished, he smiled at me. A free, uninhibited smile that kept popping up when we were together.
His eyes had been clear for a while now. I ordered a small, fake Christmas tree for him and Willow that should be arriving any time now. The holidays were just around the corner. Crew seemed genuinely excited about it.
Snow covered the ground, making the outside world look like a true winter wonderland, or at least the city version of it. Brandt wasn’t on my ass as much. I began to think the spirit of Christmas was getting to him, but I knew that wasn’t it. Whatever it was, though, I wasn’t complaining.
The most peculiar was how Tobias had started to come out of hisshell. He and Callum started to get along a while back, and now Tobias was talking to Crew more often. I’d see them talking every now and then when Crew would take a break from his duties. Sometimes, Tobias would flash his version of a smile at him. A tight-lipped grin, his eyes mostly downcast at something Crew said. Everything was going great.
So why the fuck did it feel like everything was about to go to shit? It could be my brain playing tricks on me. That was the most likely possibility, but my gut was screaming at me. A deeper instinct was pushing its way through, begging me to listen to it. I had no idea what it was saying. Whatever it was, it was painful. Terrifying.
My day passed as normally as possible with very few issues. We had a few rushes before reaching a lull, in which I took the opportunity to visit with the servers. I had a brief meeting, ending in a short pep talk explaining how well they’d done recently. I gave them my open-door speech as well, letting them know I would be available if they needed to speak to me privately.
The day had been mundane. Boring, almost. I hadn’t had a boring day since I took the position, so that had me on edge even more.
I couldn’t focus well on my computer work. I was too wound up from an invisible threat, waiting for the shoe to drop. Abandoning my desk, I made my rounds into the kitchen. Because of the lull in customers, the kitchen was quieter and filled with more chatter than cooking.
A few cooks were making meals for themselves. Callum, Tobias, and Crew were hovering near one of the islands, talking amongst each other. Callum had his signature goofy grin on his face, whereas Crew looked… different.
He was smiling. Like, actually smiling. The curve of his lips formed genuine lines on the sides of his mouth, and his eyes were clear of any harsh rain. I had learned early on in our interactions that most of his outward expressions were fake or some sort of defense mechanism he used in public. He used them around me for quite a while, which helped me notice them more often. It made the moments he shared his real emotions that much more important.
Maybe this made me creepy, but I watched them for a while from the sidelines. I was just out of sight. Seeing Crew look truly at ease was a rare sight, so I took it in as much as I could.
We weren’t busy anyway. There wasn’t any harm in watching, right? Tobias gave his signature half-smile before asking Crew something directly. He nodded his head in the direction of the swinging doors, to which Crew seemed to agree.
Breaks were due to rotate by now. Tobias hung up his apron, letting someone else take over his station. I stepped away just after watching Crew follow Tobias.
Were they going to eat together? They were both carrying plates of food covered by foil. I’d just never seen Tobias eat with anyone on his break. He was always alone, choosing the shitty, rundown employee break room as his place of solace. No one ever went in there because of how small and cramped it was, so he was usually alone.
That’s how Tobias worked. Alone. Quiet. Unenthusiastic about everything that went on around him.
Sitting back at my desk, I remembered something he’d said to me before. Tobias knew Crew, but he didn’t think Crew remembered him. I thought about that day often, wondering what Tobias could’ve meant by “what Crew came here to forget.” I knew something bad had happened to Crew. I’d be blind not to see that. He hadn’t told me about it yet, and I kept the foolish hope in the back of my mind that he would one day.
Tobias knew what had happened to Crew, or he knew enough of it to understand something I didn’t. He asked me not to tell Crew because he’d tell him himself. Was that what this was about? Was Tobias going to explain himself to Crew?
The whole idea led me into a spiral of anxiety. Whatever scenario I could make up in my mind didn’t matter in the slightest because I didn’t know the truth.
