Crew shuffled closer to me, our legs pressing against each other again. “My head is a mess, Price. I don’t wanna admit it, but I will,” he said, parroting me from last night. “When you touched me, I felt like I belonged. I was allowed to exist in the little bubble we created, and everything in my brain was blissfully quiet. You made me feel like I was precious.”
My breath caught in my throat, coming out as an embarrassing choking sound. Everything he was saying made sense. When I touched him, I felt it, too. The way the air suddenly became that much more important. I wanted more of it, and I held onto hope that was what he wanted, too. “What are you saying? What did you come here to ask me for, Pretty Boy?”
His voice cracked as he spoke through a desperate-sounding exhale. “We agreed on six months. We have five left. Can you show me what gentle feels like for the next five months? Can you help me understand what’s going on inside my head? Maybe by then, I’ll understand, and I won’t feel so fucking scared and lost.”
A splintered piece of my heart fell into the cavern of my diaphragm. I wanted him. I wanted him more than I needed water to survive or cooking to stay sane. And he’d just asked to let me have him.
But he’d put a time limit on it.
Five months.
I knew what we’d agreed on, and I knew it’d bite me in the ass eventually. I didn’t expect it to bother me so much, though. After feeling him, understanding how he’d calmed me, could I really let him go when our time was up? I wasn’t sure if I’d be strong enough.
On one hand, if I said no, I’d have to be around him constantly without being able to touch him again. On the other hand, I’d have my fill, and he’d walk away from me at the end, just like everyone else in my life.
I’d watched people leave a million times throughout my life. It was why I didn’t have friends, fuck buddies, or a partner to come home to.
What was I thinking? I didn’t have a choice. I’d go insane without him, and I’d go insane with him. There was only one correct answer.
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll help you. I have conditions, though.”
Crew’s brows furrowed. “What are they?”
“We don’t do anything else until you get fully tested. I’ll do the same. Our agreement about sex work stays the same, but neither of us will see anyone else. I will never hurt you. Don’t ask me, ’cus it isn’t happening. And if you’re ever uncomfortable, you tell me. Got that?”
He nodded. “I understand. I have a lot of things that… I’ll have to get used to. Please be patient with me, Price. Don’t give up on me.”
I pulled him by the arm, wrapping him against me in a tight hug. Crew tensed, his muscles only relaxing after a few moments in my embrace. “I won’t give up on you. You have to be honest with me, though. We can’t go into this without clear communication. We can change things up as we go along, but that’ll do for now. Do you get that?”
“Yeah, I get it. I’ll try.”
“That’s all I can ask for.” I wanted to ask for more. More of him. More time.
I’d take what I could get, though.
Although time seemedto stop when Crew had dinner with me, life kept moving. I was stuck in a weird in-between state. I was excited and high on life at the idea I’d get to spend more time with him yet riddled with intense grief over the fact that it was purely physical.
I’d agreed to it knowing that. The only person I could blame was myself for saying yes when I knew I wanted more. It was horrifying to realize that I wanted something emotional between us. Romantic, even.
I didn’t want to meet up, have sex, and say our goodbyes. I wanted to know everything possible about Crew. His aspirations, likes, dislikes, and what he wanted to be growing up. I wanted deep talks, sweet cuddle sessions, and countless nights where we slept wrapped around each other.
Jesus, I didn’t want another Sam. I didn’t have feelings for Sam yet watching her walk away was excruciating. I could only imagine how it’d feel when Crew left my life five months from now.
My head was a mess. All my thoughts had been paralyzed, filled to the brim with all the ways this thing I’d started with him could go to shit.
Unfortunately, life hadn’t gotten the memo because, really, what’s a storm without lightning?
Brandt-The-Rant’s booming rampage filtered back into my conscious awareness just as he started to settle down. “—so whip him into shape or he’s out! And I seriously doubt another place will take him after I give him the boot.”
I watched on, expressionless and silent.
“Iverson, you better have been listening to me, you sack of good for nothing?—”
“I got it. Go on, I’ll take care of it. Get some rest and take somethingfor your blood pressure before you die a premature death, Brandt.” I waved my hand towards the exit, urging his ugly mug out of my kitchen.
