“It’s fun!”
“I wanted to.”
“I like sex.”
“There are no other gay guys around here. Not out ones, anyway.”
“It’s great money.”
Excuses for the reality. Little white lies in exchange for her fragile heart staying intact. All I did was lie. To myself, to Willow, to Mom, to the faces of the men I fucked for money.
I lied to protect myself. I liedtomyself, and I wasn’t fucking ready to face that.
I froze, stuck staring at Price, unsure of which way to go. I could justspill one of the million lies I had. I should have just said it wasn’t his business.
Price was tearing me apart. Piece by piece, I was losing it all. I was drowning, floating under an ocean covered with ice. I couldn’t see an exit, couldn’t find a stray ray of sunlight to kick my feet towards.
I’d never spoken an ounce of truth about my sex work. Why I did it, how I started, and why I had the preferences I did. I had made it through eight years of spilling horse shit; I was sure I could go one night longer.
For some fucked-up reason, I didn’t. I opened my mouth, and what came out wasn’t a little white lie. It tasted worse on my tongue than any lie I had ever told, but it was real, and it was raw. The truth amongst a hundred thousand lies.
I blew out a long, exhausted breath. “I didn’t have a choice.”
I was stuck in shock.I didn’t know what to do except hold onto Crew’s hand as tightly as possible. I couldn’t let go. Not for lack of strength on his behalf, but mine. I knew he’d been lying about the real reasoning behind his sex work. I had an inkling but hearing him say it was still a jolt to my system.
Had he been forced into it? He could’ve meant that differently, and I doubted he’d divulge further.
Still, I had to ask. “You didn’t have a choice?” I repeated, hoping he would elaborate.
He looked shocked, as if he hadn’t meant to say it. It was too late, though. I could see his Adam’s apple bob as his breath hitched, his mouth opening before he was ready to speak. “What else was I gonna do?”
Something about the way his voice wavered got to me. Pressure built in my chest, squeezing around my heart as I looked at the tired man before me.
We’d somehow inched closer to each other during our conversation. I was a selfish man for wanting to get even closer. Especially now, with the sadness that loomed just beyond his irises. I wasn’t sure if he knew how easy it was to read him through his eyes. They were screaming at me, begging for something. I didn’t know what, but the man behind the cage Crew kept locked up was on his knees, reaching out to me.
Was I also selfish for wanting the Crew before me to do the same?
“Did someone make you start, Crew?” I kept my voice as close to a whisper as possible. Any register above that felt disrespectful. I looked down at our hands, committing the sight to memory while Crew seemed to gather words. My palm was bigger than his, my fingers longerand smoother. His were littered with small, white scars that seamlessly blended into his skin.
Almost.
I could see them. I could feel them against my own.
When I noticed his hand start to tremble, I looked up. All the air escaped my lungs when I met Crew’s gaze. The gorgeous blue I had daydreamed about was clouded with storms. Tears filled them, so many they began to pour in steady streams down his face.
I said the wrong thing. Pushed too hard. Crew was sobbing now. Though it was silent, it was no less violent as shakes wracked his frame, making my arm move with him where we were still connected.
I pushed away the last stretch of distance between us, moving forward and pulling him against me at the same time.
Our position was awkward and would usually be uncomfortable. I didn’t care, though. When I settled Crew against me, his face on my shoulder, he let out his first whimpering cry.
It broke my heart. Tears of my own welled up in my eyes. His body trembled beneath my arms as I rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back. I didn’t press further. He was so tense, so ready to defend himself. I felt his body gearing up for a fight, and I refused to make him.
After a few moments, Crew lifted his head, looking at me with something so raw, so painful, so utterly fucking heartbreaking I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.
“I-I’ve never told anyone that before.”
I nodded, not sure what to say.
