Spencer smiled. “I like the color of your hair right now. But that’s totally up to you. You color your hair to please yourself, not others.”
Jamie froze for a few moments. Those words didn’t compute. Please myself? What did that even mean? “I don’t understand.”
Jamie didn’t do things for himself. He never had. He dressed how people liked, said what wouldn’t rock the boat, tried to be the version of himself that wouldn’t get left behind. Pleasing others was how he survived. It was how he stayed wanted.
He glanced at Spencer, wondering if he’d said something wrong. Wondering if Spencer would pull away now Jamie had admitted he didn’t know how to want things for himself.
Is that weird? Is that broken? Jamie didn’t know. But he felt it—this ache in his chest that maybe he’d been living backwards all this time.
Outside, the snow had picked up, thick flakes swirling down like the sky was trying to bury everything.
They carefully made their way down the path toward the lake, boots crunching in the fresh powder. Jamie kept glancing sideways at Spencer, wondering what he was thinking, wondering if he was about to say something that would unravel him even more.
“Can we talk about what happened to you?” Spencer asked.
Jamie hesitated. “You heard what I said to Alfie. About the store. About being dumped. That’s what happened.”
Spencer shook his head gently. “I wasn’t talking about that. I want to know how Tom treated you as a little.”
Jamie’s stomach twisted. That was harder. “That’s… complicated.”
“I know,” Spencer said. “You told me you’re a little, and I believe you. But not all littles need the same thing. I want to know what you wanted—and then what you got.”
Jamie stared out at the lake, snowflakes melting on his lashes. He wasn’t sure he could answer that. Not yet. But maybe with Spencer beside him, he could try. Jamie turned to face Spencer, heart thudding a little harder than he liked. “Why do you want to know that?” he asked, trying to sound casual, but his voice came out more brittle than he meant.
Spencer didn’t hesitate. “Because I like you very much. I want to see you smile again.”
Jamie swallowed. That was sweet. Too sweet. It made him nervous. He wasn’t used to someone wanting his smile for no reason. He remembered what Alfie had told him.Tell him you want him or that you like him.How could he admit his needs?
“I need my binky.” He pulled it out and gave a long suck on it, then removed it from his mouth and stuffed it back into his pocket.
“There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Some people smoke.”
“Do you smoke?” Jamie doubted he did, but he wanted to continue the conversation or at least appear like he was taking part in it with no heavy emotions.
“My grandfather would have killed me on the spot if he had caught me smoking.”
“What about your parents?” Jamie asked.
“My grandfather raised me. I never met my parents.”
“What happened to them?” Jamie felt a pang of sadness, imagining Spencer not knowing his own parents.
“Don’t know for sure, but my grandfather told me they wanted off the ranch when I was an infant, and he wouldn’t approve it unless they turned me over to him.”
“Why did they need your grandfather’s approval?”
“Money, I guess. My grandfather controlled with money. When he supported something you wanted, he gave money and a pat on the back. He did that to me when I left too. Buthe wouldn’t approve if I didn’t promise to return to the ranch when he passed away. So that’s what I did. I left the band and California to fulfill my promise.”
“Why didn’t your parents come back to get you or see you?”
“Don’t know. I asked myself that often. My grandfather’s story never changed even when I grew up. He said they signed me over to him and to stop asking him.”
“Wow!”
“Let’s get back to what you need as a little.”
“I like a lot of attention,” he admitted, eyes flicking away. “Probably too much. That’s what Daddy Tom used to say. He said I had no right to steal all his free time when he had better things to do.”
