“Yes, it is. ‘Hesitant to try to connect.’ Because of my unreliable dad, the counselor said.”
“Kids don't get over being betrayed by a parent. Adults don’t always realize that. Little kids are so trusting and willing to forgive. Parents forget that kids grow up, and the window closes. My mom has invited me to visit her in Portugal at least a dozen times.” He shakes his head, his expression even more grim. “Like I’d ever go now.”
I wince. This is how he copes with pain and loss. He ends the possibility of being hurt by someone a second time by cutting them off completely. No wonder his ability to freeze us out of his life the past two years was so profound. He learned and perfected the technique years earlier.
“How was Ethan when your mom left? Was he too preoccupied with his own loss to be there for you?”
“No, my dad was great. He cut back on his hours. Picked me up from school every day. Took me with him to his office if he had to work late. I’d sit and do my homework or watch videos while he worked. For months and months, he made sure I was never alone. If I wasn’t with my friends or my grandparents, I was with him.”
“So you knew he cared about you?”
“Of course.”
“But we messed that up for you, huh?” I say gently. “You never seemed to resent us when we first moved in.”
“Because I didn't. Look, I was nine when she left. By the time I was fifteen, I was long past wanting them to get back together. I told him he should start dating. It was time, and I was fine with it. When he met your mom, he’d been dating a couple of years. It was different with her. I could tell right away it was serious. He was happy, and I was glad he’d found someone. It wasn't until later that I realized she was going to become a problem for me.”
His fingers tap on the steering wheel. “When he first talked about marrying her, he asked me if I was okay with it. I said yes. I never tried to interfere. I thought it would be good for him. I had my own stuff going on, so we weren’t spending as much time together. Why shouldn’t he spend his free time with a wife who’d be in his bed full-time? That’s how life is supposed to be for a man in his forties.”
“He loves you, and you obviously love him, too. I don't understand why you barely see him anymore. I know you were mad at him for misjudging you, Shane, but I think you know my mom was so upset and irrational that morning that Ethan didn’t know what to think. And he very quickly showed you were innocent of the things she was saying. He apologized so sincerely, right?”
“Ethan’s a good man. When I was young, no one could’ve been a better dad. But after Sheri’s accusation, when he took her side against me, I knew I’d never be able to relax in that house again. Those cameras he installed…her paranoia infected him. That morning when she went off the deep end, he looked so gutted. That gutted me.” He clenches his jaw. “He loves me, but he doesn’t trust me. Now, that cuts both ways. I love him, but Ido nottrust him.”
“He’d never make that mistake again, Shane. Neither would I.”
He’s quiet and clearly unconvinced. I think about the locked room, and the secrets he would never trust me with.
“Look, no one’s asking you to share all your secrets with us. But if we all spend more time together, things will be less awkward. Can you stay in Aspen the whole week after Christmas? It’s Declan’s family’s house. You’d feel comfortable in that group, right?”
“There's still a problem between your mom and me. It's not just about that morning. It's about how she treated me the entire time we were all living together and the way she still treats me to this day. Whatever it is about me that triggers her, it's always going to trigger her. And that is not my problem. I almost told her to fuck off this morning. I would not last days sharing a house with her. And if she tried to fix you and Declan up in front of me, I would end up showing her exactly what happens when I really lose my temper.”
“All right. I guess things are still too complicated. We can work on it slowly over time. Why don’t you skip Colorado altogether? You can come by the house when we’re back after New Year’s. You could see your Grandpa Sullivan and maybe go to Connecticut to see Ethan’s parents. Low key. Low stress.”
“You’re not going to Colorado for two weeks without me, Avery.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want you and Declan together when I’m not around.”
My brows rise in surprise. “Now you don’t trust Declan either?”
“I trust Declan one hundred percent to have my back in a fight or to take me at my word. But do I trust another man—any man—with you in a big house in the mountains? No.”
That causes a shiver to run down my spine. He’s got no right to act so possessive.
“I’m not interested in Declan, but if I was, it wouldn’t be up to you whether I pursued something with him. When the semester ends, I’m moving out and our arrangement ends. Eventually there will be another guy in my life.”
He’s silent as he pulls up to his grandfather’s house.
“Shane?”
“No.” His jaw is set.
The car idles next to the security keypad with the gates looming above us, casting shadows on the hood.
“No what?”
“Even if you move out in a few days, this thing between us is nowhere close to being done. So, no, I won’t let anyone else have you.”
