“I can understand that.Falling in loveisa great thing.And it isreal,sweetheart.I promise.I have seen it happen a few times.Uncle Nick and Aunt Robin were hilarious to watch.He’d turn bright red every time she even smiled at him.He’d get nervous and not know how to talk to her.And Uncle Phil and Aunt Glenna—when he would look at her, the whole world would turn a little…sweet and beautiful, Jannie.I didn’t always know what love looked like.”She had made a vow months ago—always be as honest with the girls as she could.Just in age-appropriate ways.“I’ve seen it in the beginning stages, and I’ve seen it up close in the trenches, when we moved in with Uncle Bill and Aunt Susan.It’s not like the books, no.It isn’t.Because it’s better.It’s…real.”
“I don’t ever want to get married.”
Auggie had once said the same thing.And now…now she had six little girls to take care of.The idea of adding a relationship with a man to that…
Terrified her.
Utterly terrified her.
“I told the girls you might someday, though.I don’t think it would be fair if you wanted to and you couldn’t because of us.We don’t want to be burdens.”
Oh, hell.She’d known that what that woman from the library had said had upset Jan last week.And they’d stopped by the library today to drop off books.Of course.Jan was so scared of making things hard for Auggie, she went overboard in the opposite direction.Trying to be perfect.To help.To take care of Auggieinstead of Auggie taking care of her.
“Come here.”Auggie held her arms out, and her sister tentatively snuggled close.They were nearly the same size now—Auggie had lost about thirty pounds after she was shot—and it was a little awkward, but this was her baby sister, too.“You girls are not burdens.I mean that.”
“But you can’t live your own life taking care of us.Not your whole life.It isn’t fair to you that you even have to.Because of him.”
Auggie swallowed.She didn’t know…it took her a moment to come up with a response.“Sweetie, do you know what I have always wanted most of all?From when I was really little?”
“What?”
“Afamily.A home of my own.To be with people I love every single day.I have that now.I love you girls.You aren’t burdens.You never will be to me.Taking care of you girls gives my life meaning.We are afamily,no matter what.”
“Like it did me?I just wanted to take care of them,” the broken whisper nearly destroyed her.January had been responsible for taking care of all the girls foryears.Doing the job of both parents, when she was far too young for that to begin with.And after Maeya had been born, she’d had to care for the baby from the moment the baby’s mother had died from a heart attack.January had just turned thirteen; juggling school, a newborn, and four other little girls’ needs, while avoiding their abusive father as much as she could.No child deserved that.“No matter what.But he was somadat us, all the time.And I was afraid something would happen to them if I left them.”
Auggie remembered that same fear.Leaving Em after they had moved in with their aunt and uncle had been especially hard.It was very hard to get January to separate from the girls at times, especially the three younger.Especially…Tobi.Since the abduction.They struggled every day, but they would find their way through.No matter what.“I know.But you are all safe now.Here.No matter what.”
“I think…if you had a boyfriend, it would be okay.We’d understand.If he made you happy and was really nice.I saw you dance with all those men.And I think Aunt Claudia’s brother was trying to dance with you, too.He would say things to Em and Junie and Claudia about you escaping.He was really kind of funny.He tried once and when he didn’t get to dance with you, he danced with Jules next to our table.He showed her how to do her feet.”
She’d missed that somehow.But…it was typical Calloway.
“It was nice.He wasn’t very scary at all.”
Auggie hesitated for a moment.The last thing she wanted was for January to view romantic relationships as a threat.Shewantedher sister to have a healthy relationship someday.To be able to trust a man—or woman, for that matter—with herself.To be…whole.Confident in who she was, in any relationship.Even though relationships with men were so incredibly complicated.And she was working her way through her feelings now.
Maybe, she should start by modeling that.“Calloway Ellis Grady.That man…ugh.He is so confusing right now.I just don’t know what to do about him.”
“He likes you.I heard Junie say something to Aunt Claudia about her brother really liking you now.”
“I think he does.He didnotbefore.But…I think he does now.And he has me very confused.Relationships are like that.When you are trying to figure out what you want, and they are trying to figure out what they want, and if you can both want the same things…and…there are all these other emotions mixed in.”
“Like…nerves and stuff?Do your hands get all sweaty and you feel shaky inside?”
“Yes.That’s a part of it.And…then the guy looks at you and the world just kind of stops.But love, real love, is more than that, the physical part of things, Jannie.It’s…” Auggie thought for a moment.About the aunts and uncles she had watched for years.And the ones they had lost during those years.“It’s…ultimate trust.And a willingness to put their needs above your own, too.When you love someone, there isn’t anything you won’t do to protect them.Be there for them.Help them.Take care of them.Love between siblings, between friends…between lovers.Someday, I want you, and the rest of the girls, to find someone that you can give that ultimate trust and get it in return.I’m not saying someone hasto pair off or anything like that.Romance isnotrequired to live a happy, productive life.I’m not saying that—people can lead fulfilling, wonderful lives without romantic love—and definitely without marriage.But…if you find someone tolovelove—I think it can be a wonderful thing.”
“I don’t really understand.”
“When I start to doubt love exists, I think of Uncle Bill and Aunt Susan, or Ned and Pam, or Phil and Glenna—Phil and Aunt Becky before she died.Nick and Robin.And the rest of them.Not to mention Sage and Gil, and Phoebe and her sisters and their husbands, Chandler and Linsey, Maggie and Clint, Michael and Jude—pay attention to how they alllookat each other sometime.And…watch how they help each other, and support each other.Love—romantic love—it really exists.And can be a beautiful thing.”
January just nodded.But Auggie could still see the confusion on the face that was very much like her own.Of all the girls—January looked like her the most.“Then…don’t you want it for yourself someday?”
Auggie was silent for a moment.“I don’t know…maybe…someday.If…if I can find a man I can fully trust.Withme,with you girls, with Em and Junie.One thing…from the way I grew up with Bruce…that I struggle with is the letting go enough to trust someone.To depend on someone completely.Because I was always the one who had to decide everything, to make the hard decisions.It’s a habit I have had to learn how to break sometimes.I want a man I can trust.Fully.”
“Like…Claudia’s brother?I think he really likes you.I could tell when he stayed the night here.”
“I am completely confused with that one.And I am going to probably stay that way.He is not what I anticipated or expected.”And there were some things she was not going to discuss with a thirteen-year-old.No matter what.Then she remembered him tonight, holding Markie so close.How natural it had seemed for him.How she knew shecouldhave left the girls with him tonight for any reason and he would have made sure they were safe.“I think…I think I was wrong about him, too.I think…he’s a good man.Inside that beautiful, man exterior.He is a man who knows how tolove.”
“He loves his sisters and his brother.I can see that.He tries to tell them what to do, like you do us.Like I do the little girls.”
