He was so beautiful, hand on the steering wheel, the lights outside highlighting his unfairly flawless bone structure and his pretty dark curls. Mal glanced in his direction, like he sensed Nico’s eyes on him, giving him a goofy smile he saved just for Nico before quickly returning his gaze to the road. Did he know? Could he feel Nico unraveling beside him? Sometimes, his thoughts were so loud he was sure Mal could hear them. But if he did, he never said.
Still, Mal was always there for Nico, existing beside him, being whatever Nico asked of him. He didn’t make Nico talk about his feelings, didn’t poke at all of Nico’s childhood wounds in the name of healing. He was just there—his touch, his company—and that was usually enough to drown out his self-doubt.
Mal was Nico’s weighted blanket, holding him down, keeping him from floating away.
But what did he do for Mal? Nothing. Nico was selfish. Mal deserved someone rational...steady, someone who drowned out the voices in his head. Someone who didn’t have ten tabs open in their brain at all times. Someone who sat still for more than ten minutes without wanting to peel his own skin off.
Panic clawed at him from the inside. He wanted to rewind time, to go back to an hour ago, before he’d somehow convinced his stupid, horny self he was having some kind of moment of clarity. How could he have thought he could ever handle letting Mal love him?
It sucked. This sucked. Everything was fine before he’d let Mal kiss him. Before he’d learned how right Mal’s lips felt on his own. Before he realized their bodies fit together like puzzlepieces. Before he understood what Mal’s touch did to him on a cellular level.
Ignorance really was bliss. Now, he knew. Now, he knew and now, he hungered for Mal like air, requiring him like gravity. Nico swallowed the lump in his throat.Thiswas what Nico hated about relationships, about love, about…intimacy. The stakes were too fucking high. It all meant too much now. This wasn’t some easily dismissed quick fuck, this wasn’t friends with benefits. This meant something. This was heavy.
This waspermanent.
God, he wanted this to be permanent.
He and Mal were two halves of a whole, one soul in two bodies, their hearts so grafted together that removing one would surely kill the other. He already loved Mal so much that the weight of it was crushing him. What happened when they got home? When he let Mal inside him in every way?
Then what?
Then what?
It was the not knowing that had him bleeding out slowly. If he had a crystal ball—if he somehow knew the future—maybe he would feel better? But he had no answers. Just questions. So many questions. Would they be together forever? Would Mal get sick of him? Would one of them die?
People died all the time. Car accidents, cancer, heart attacks. And it was more dangerous for Mal and Nico. They put themselves in harm’s way all the time.
On purpose.
Questions bounced around in Nico’s noisy brain, whispering all his deepest, darkest fears in a voice that sounded—unsurprisingly—like his mother’s. If there was only a way to prepare. If there was some kind of countdown, an end date, a definitive moment that Nico knew Mal would disappear from his life forever…then he could protect himself.
But there was no crystal ball.
The unknown was a sword dangling over his head, a guillotine waiting to sever his neck. There was no way to explain to anyone the gaping hole that formed when his future was…a blank page. It sounded crazy. He knew that. Nobody knew what came next. Nobody. But most people’s question marks weren’t life or death.
As a kid, anxiety was the only constant in his life. He never knew what would happen next. His whole childhood was him swimming blind through shark-infested waters. Would his mom come home? Would she be high? Drunk? Alone? Would she be manic and crying about her most recent boyfriend? Would she be railing about how Nico was her biggest mistake? Would there be food to eat? Had they gotten evicted again? Would she make him sleep outside? Would she leave him alone with some creep who would ask him to shower with him or play a new game?
He hated question marks.
They were…unsafe.
They made himfeelunsafe.
But Mal made him feel safe. Now, Mal was the one constant presence in his life. His north star. If he ruined that…if he ruined them?—
Nico startled visibly as Mal’s hand squeezed his. Mal tilted his head, frowning, looking like a confused German Shepherd. This time, it was Nico who gave him a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Did Mal see he was spiraling? He had to feel how sweaty Nico’s palms were.
“We’re home,” Mal said softly.
Nico gave a stilted nod, sliding his hand free of Mal’s. “Oh, right.”
Mal studied him for a long moment. Nico wanted to shrink in on himself, wanted to disappear. As soon as they were out of thecar and walking into the apartment, Mal settled a hand on Nico’s lower back, not guiding him, just…there.
They walked up the stairs in silence and Nico waited as Mal unlocked their door. They entered the dark apartment quietly, slipping their shoes off, something inside Nico unclenching the moment they passed the threshold. Maybe it was the familiar scents of their home. The way the kitchen always smelled like the vanilla plug-in Shiloh had brought home from the dollar store or the familiar blue glow cast by the cat-shaped night light in the kitchen.
Nico noted the dull light of the television from beneath Levi and Shiloh’s door, but knew they were likely already asleep. Mal and Nico were usually asleep at this time, too.
The short walk to their bedroom had Nico’s pulse racing, his thoughts jumbled, his anxiety peaking. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? How did he tell Mal he was stuck in his head?
