Thomas sighed. “Noah is fully aware of the risks. He finds Adam’s particular brand of love…soothing. It’s what happenswhen obsession meets neglect. Adam’s need for the boy is a waterfall, and Noah is an empty well. Everyone wants to feel wanted.”
“Even you?” Aiden asked, voice low.
Thomas’s gaze climbed back up to Aiden’s face. “Yes, Aiden. Even me.”
Aiden studied Thomas until he felt like squirming. “I wanted you. I still want you.”
Thomas swallowed, taking a final swallow of his drink before setting his glass on the far edge of the desk. “We might all want to be wanted, but we don’t always deserve it.”
“Why do you do this?” Aiden asked, his pain evident.
“I don’t know. I truly don’t. I don’t want to hurt you. You have to know that.”
Before Thomas could even guess his intentions, Aiden slipped from his desk, landing on his knees before Thomas. His breath left him in a rush.
Christ. Maybe if Aiden had gone for his zipper, had made an attempt at aggression, Thomas could have slowed him, could have given himself time to find his fucking resolve.
But he just dropped his head into Thomas’s lap, pressing his cheek against his thigh, voice thick when he asked, “Why don’t I count? Why is it always so easy to push me away?”
Easy? There was nothing easy about this. The only thing that ever kept Thomas strong was knowing how much he didn’t deserve Aiden’s love, his devotion, his fucking adoration. Aiden deserved to find someone who could give him everything. Loving Thomas was a curse. When he loved too hard, people died.
Still, he combed his hands through Aiden’s soft curls, letting himself trace the shell of his ear. Maybe if he just held him, stroked him, maybe it would be enough.
“You count,” Thomas managed, voice raw. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
Aiden lifted his head to look up at Thomas, unshed tears in his eyes. Jesus. How was he supposed to resist this? Furious Aiden was near impossible to resist, but broken Aiden? Thomas was only a man.
He palmed Aiden’s cheek, his thumb tracing his mouth. Aiden’s pupils blew wide until his eyes were almost all black.
“Aiden…”
Aiden shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t say it. Don’t say no. Not tonight.”
He dropped his head once more to nuzzle his head deeper into Thomas’s lap. Thomas just didn’t have the strength to refuse him. It was cruel to keep doing this to Aiden. To keep running hot and cold all the time. But it was so hard. He ached for Aiden. Craved his touch. Missed his scent when he wasn’t around. Missing Aiden was painful in a way Thomas could never describe, like someone had carved out his heart and asked him to go on living with a gaping wound in his chest.
He continued to stroke his hair, pet over his face. Aiden wrapped his arms around his waist like he was content on his knees, his head pressed against Thomas’s zipper. Thomas closed his eyes. What was the harm in letting himself have this much? They were just…touching. There was nothing wrong with it. Right?
Did Thomas deserve just this much happiness? This kind of contentment? Was it too much? Not enough to atone for his fucking sins? Or was this just another sin? It didn’t feel like a sin. But it did feel sinful somehow. Could those two things be different?
Aiden’s hands were suddenly at Thomas’s hips, his mouth close enough to his cock for Thomas to feel his hot breath through the fabric. “Aiden…”
“Please?”
Please, what? Please, forget what was right? What was fair? What was sane? Aiden must have taken his silence for permission because his fingers were undoing his belt, lowering his zipper. When he tugged on Thomas’s pants, he lifted up without thought, letting him pull the fabric down to mouth over his underwear.
His fingers fisted in Aiden’s hair, groaning. “We shouldn’t…”
Aiden ignored him, freeing his cock and licking over the head, looking up at Thomas with a look that melted the tiny bit of determination he’d told himself he still had. It had all been a lie. It was always a lie when it came to him.
Thomas slipped down in his seat just enough for Aiden to take him in. Christ. His mouth was so hot, so fucking wet, the suction making Thomas’s eyes roll back. Aiden was enthusiastic, the sounds borderline obscene. Anybody listening would easily guess what was happening. That should have terrified him but, somehow, it only made Thomas hotter.
Aiden pulled off, crawling into Thomas’s lap, then his mouth was slanting over his. “Why can’t I stay away from you?” he asked against his lips.
Thomas had no answer. It was a question he’d asked himself a million times. Why couldn’t they stay away from each other? He cupped his face, tilting his head, deepening the kiss. Fuck, he tasted like whiskey and poor life choices. It was intoxicating. He fucked his tongue into his mouth, wishing he could fill him up in every way.
“Fuck me,” Aiden begged, like he was reading Thomas’s mind.
“I can’t. We can’t,” Thomas amended. “This is already too much. Maybe we should sto?—”
