“Did you show the girls how to waterboard someone?” Zane snapped.
“Oh, that,” Asa said, picking up the spatula and waving it in a sweeping gesture. “Yeah. No. That was me. They were doing it all wrong.”
Lucas stood, glaring at Asa. “What?”
“They were doing it all wrong,” he said, louder as if that was why Lucas was asking him to repeat himself. “They were pouring the water too fast. Right, girls?”
Lucas looked back to see his sweet girls nod in unison, looking like the creepy twins out ofThe Shiningmovie. Christ.
August gave him a tight smile. “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you? You’re going to leave me and take the kids.”
Lucas rolled his eyes, but blew him a kiss. He didn’t want August worrying about ridiculous things like that. He didn’t need anymore neurospicy meltdowns at family gatherings.
“What did we learn?” Avi shouted.
“Do it slowly or you can’t interrogate them for information,” they repeated in sync.
“Wow,” Lucas said, dragging the word out, hoping it in some way relayed his sheer exasperation with Asa and Avi.
“I know, they’re smart, right?” Avi said, looking proud.
Lucas glowered at him. He didn’t know what Avi was so smug about. One of his children was currently eating Zane’s hair andthe other was either filling his diaper or solving a complex math equation. He hadn’t even begun to know the true hell that was raising a mini-Mulvaney, especially two at a time.
“I don’t know whether to be creeped out or proud,” Felix said, lifting his son to sniff his butt, before recoiling. “Oof. I don’t know how to say this without hurting your feelings, but you stink, bro.”
Oscar let out a string of mindless babble then clapped his hands. Felix rubbed his nose against the baby’s. “Listen, you don’t get to give yourself a round of applause just for pooping in your diaper. All the other baby’s can do that. Even your brother. Even your cousin, Theo and he’s only six months old. If you want to impress me, maybe do it in a potty.”
“Don’t listen to him, buddy. Good job,” Avi shouted, giving the ten month old a thumb’s up.
Adam snorted, then attempted to muffle his laughter as he ducked away from his husband. “What, it's funny.”
Asa grinned, slapping meat on the grill. “He’s right. It’s a little funny. No?”
Lucas scoffed. “Just wait until Oscar and West are garroting their GI Joe’s or hanging their stuffed animals from the ceiling fan by nooses. Then we can talk.”
Felix shuddered. “GI Joe’s in my house? Never.”
“Dude, do you know how proud I would be if my six-year-old knew how to tie a noose,” Aiden said, strolling out onto the porch. “Like that is some advanced knotting techniques.” To Thomas, he said, “I wonder how young he’d have to be for us to start teaching him the basics? Maybe sailing? They teach knots in boating classes right?”
“I told you private school made your brothers pretentious,” Jericho said, pointing at Aiden. “Even he wants his kid to take up…boating.”
“I just really hope Aiden’s really dedicated to raising the next set of vigilantes, and he’s not implying that Dad’s into like shibari or something,” Noah said, looking green around the gills.
“Can we all fucking focus on the issue at hand, please?” Lucas asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Papa, he said a bad word,” Jagger whispered, eyes wide. “Does he have to put money in the swear jar like you?”
“Yes,” Jericho assured him.
“What is the issue, Lucas? So they waterboarded their Cabbage Patch doll. Maybe she had it coming,” Felix said.
Lucas rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what her crimes were.”
“Now, that’s not true,” August said. He turned back to his daughter. “So, what was it? What did she do to deserve such a fate?”
Adelyn stood up super tall, her little face full of righteous fury. “She beheaded Ken and put his head in Barbie’s oven in her dream house because Ken said they couldn’t be together anymore. She deserved to die, right, Uncle-Grandpa Aiden?”
Adam’s laughter broke through the hand over his mouth as Aiden leveled a glare at him. “Did you teach them that?”
