Shiloh stiffened, moving to stare straight ahead again. Levi mourned the loss of the warmth against his lips. The tension in Shiloh’s muscles had Levi on full alert, waiting to see if he was going to make another run for it.
Shiloh swallowed audibly, words scratchy as he said, “Fine. Give me Micah’s gun and we can talk. I’ll answer your questions.”
There it was. Levi smiled. Shiloh was an opportunist. His smile faltered. Or had this been his plan all along? Had he simply been willing to sacrifice himself sexually in order to convince Levi to give him the gun? Did Shiloh want him at all?
Fine. Two could play at that game. “Allmy questions?”
Shiloh’s spine straightened, his eyes still fixed straight ahead, as he seemed to contemplate whether he could truly agree to such a thing.
“The ones I feel comfortable answering,” Shiloh finally hedged.
Levi huffed out a laugh through his nose. “Okay, fine. It’s a start. The gun is in the top drawer of my desk right there.”
He pointed to his desk where his computer glowed, the picture on the screen the same colors as the blue and green LED lights. When Shiloh made to stand, Levi reluctantly released him, watching him take the five or so steps to cross his room, sliding the drawer open and peering inside. He only hesitated for a moment before wrapping his hand around the weapon and pulling it free by the grip, looking just as uncomfortable holding it as he did the night they met.
After a cursory glance, he set it on the top of the desk between Levi’s headphones and his mouse.
“Satisfied?” Levi asked.
Shiloh’s gaze flicked to his, eyes even more haunted from a distance, his cuts and bruises emphasized by the glow of the computer screen. “Sure,” he said, voice dull.
“Then come back to me.” Levi held out his hand, waiting patiently as Shiloh studied it. Finally, he took it, shoulders sagging as he let himself be pulled back to his spot between Levi’s legs. It felt wrong to have a conversation like this, where he couldn’t even see Shiloh’s face. “Do you want to lie down?”
Shiloh gave a terse, “No.”
“Do you want to turn around at least?” Levi offered.
Shiloh shook his head rapidly. “I don’t want to look at you and talk about this stuff.” Levi’s heart clenched. But before Shiloh’s painful words could reach their mark, he clarified, “Ican’tlook at you and talk about this stuff.”
Levi pressed his forehead to the back of Shiloh’s head, his room suddenly feeling like a confessional. “Can I still hold you, though?”
Another loud swallow. Another jerky nod. “I-I guess. For now.”
Levi would take it. What choice did he have? He placed another soft kiss on Shiloh’s hair, then pressed his cheek to his shoulder. “Ready?”
“Sure,” Shiloh managed.
“When you say you haven’t done ‘this’ a lot, what does that mean, exactly?”
Silence stretched taut between them until Levi threaded his fingers with Shiloh’s on the boy’s lap, squeezing softly.
Shiloh’s sigh sounded very much like someone giving up. “Just what I said. I haven’t done it a lot.”
“It being sex?” Levi clarified.
“No, competitive dry humping,” Shiloh snapped. “Yes, sex.”
Levi had to bite his lip to keep the laugh bubbling up at bay. Shiloh was funny when he wasn’t miserable. “Are you a virgin?”
“Are you?” Shiloh shot back, scooting slightly forward like his body needed to physically distance himself from Levi and this conversation.
“No. Definitely not. Haven’t been in a really long time,” Levi said, hating how quickly the bitterness seeped into his own words. “But let’s save my childhood trauma for our second date.”
Shiloh whipped his head around, round hazel eyes studying him like a slide under a microscope. Just that quickly, his past was on him, anvil heavy on his chest. Shame weighed him down,dragging him into the quicksand of his past, making him feel immediately unclean.
Levi tried to smile, but he suddenly felt too raw. The sharpness in Shiloh’s gaze softened. Like recognized like. Anyone who’d suffered at the hands of another understood that acidic humor and biting jokes ate through the horrors enough to make them palatable. Levi silently pleaded with Shiloh to let this one thing go. He could ask him anything but not about that.
Shiloh gave him a sad smile, then nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
