Not because Micah didn’t approve of the boys—not because of some innate need to protect Shiloh—but because he’d orchestrated the entire thing to humiliate his brother, to torment him, to make sure he drove home the point that Shiloh could never, ever trust anyone with his heart or his body.
He’d tried to have sex again. Mal had told him a million times that not all men would treat him like that and he just had to take things slowly. But Shiloh never had a chance to take things slowly. Micah either chased them off with violence or bought them off with money, proving again and again that Shiloh would only ever have what Micah gave him.
In Shiloh’s head, sex was a minefield of anxiety and overthinking, of head games and sabotage. Trust was a luxury Shiloh couldn’t afford. Micah could get to anyone, anywhere.Except Levi. Here, alone in Levi’s tiny bedroom, on this too soft mattress, Micah couldn’t touch him, couldn’t touch them. At least, not yet.
Shiloh just wanted to enjoy it. He wished he could quiet the voices in his head telling him that this wasn’t real, that Levi was never going to stay, that Micah would take this from him too or worse…Levi would realize Shiloh wasn’t worth any of this trouble.
Because he wasn’t. Hesowasn’t. He wasn’t even a person; he was just three mental health issues in a trench coat. Eventually, everyone realized that and left. Even friends. When was the last time Shiloh had even had a friend?
Panic welled up in his chest but he tried to force it back down, tried to concentrate on the way Levi kissed him so deeply, held him so tightly, moved against him like he was trying to merge them into one body. It felt so good. Levi’s lips were soft, his body heavy, crushing Shiloh in a way that made him feel small and safe.
Shiloh had never imagined a world where he could be half-naked in front of someone covered in bruises and they’d still want him anyway. He was trying not to waste this rare moment, but the deeper Levi’s kisses grew, the more frantic Shiloh’s movements became and the more terrified he became that, any second now, Levi was going to realize what he was doing and kick Shiloh out.
And who would blame him?
“Hey.”
Shiloh realized Levi was no longer kissing him but staring down at him with concern. “What?” Shiloh whispered. “What’s wrong?”
Levi tilted his head, studying him. “You tell me? You seemed to just float away from me.”
“You are literally pinning me to the bed right now?” Shiloh said weakly, trying for a joke.
“Exactly. And you were suddenly kissing me like you had somewhere else to be,” Levi said, tone teasing.
Shiloh gave a weak, “Hah.”Hardly.“Sorry. Just get lost in my own head sometimes.”
“Don’t apologize,” Levi said, poking the tip of Shiloh’s nose. “Do you want to stop? We can just sleep?”
“No!” Shiloh shouted, face flaming at the way Levi’s eyes widened. “I-I don’t want to stop. I-I like this. I like you. I’ll do better.”
Levi frowned at his statement, but Shiloh didn’t give him a chance to ask any more questions, dragging him back down to fit their mouths together. Levi’s lips were unyielding, sending a bolt of panic through Shiloh. He’d already ruined this, too.
But then Levi’s lips softened. He didn’t deepen the kiss, though. Just brushed his mouth over Shiloh’s again and again, each time lingering a bit longer, a little more demanding, until Shiloh felt sluggish and everything grew hazy, the world shrinking to just them. By the time Levi parted his lips to slide his tongue inside, Shiloh was pliant, letting him take what he wanted, his fears not getting the best of him for once.
“You’re so fucking pretty,” Levi said into his mouth once again, almost like he couldn’t help himself. Or maybe that was what he told the other people he slept with, too. Shiloh’s heart started to break under the weight of that thought, so he shoved it away.
Shiloh fought the urge to tell Levi he didn’t need to say shit he didn’t mean. He just wanted to enjoy this for once. To lie there and be taken without having to overthink every single detail. This was nice. It was all so…nice.
Was that stupid? Was sex supposed to be ‘nice’? In the movies, people were tearing at each other and ripping eachother’s clothes off, kissing like their lips were magnets too powerful to pull apart. Shiloh’s only real life experiences had just been bumbling…painful…awkward…and over so quickly.
There was nothing frantic about this. Levi kissed him like he was savoring him, touched him like he was memorizing every curve of his body. Shiloh could feel the hard length of Levi’s cock against his, so whatever they were doing was affecting him, too. Shiloh just wished he didn’t feel so…inept.
Levi’s lips dragged away from Shiloh’s with a noisy smack, then trailed over the bruise on Shiloh’s jaw, the thumbprint behind his ear, lower… He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped as Levi placed a kiss against the side of his neck. His sigh became a whine when Levi scraped his teeth against that same tender spot, then sucked hard enough to sting, hopefully hard enough to mark. What would it be like to wear bruises from pleasure instead of pain?
Shiloh buried his fingers in Levi’s soft hair, held him in place, tilting his head to give more access, hoping it conveyed the words rattling in his head that refused to leave his mouth.
Yes. Fuck. Please. Mark me up. Let everyone know you were there. That I was yours for one night at least.
Would Levi think he was a freak for that? Did Shiloh care? It wasn’t like this could ever happen again. He might as well enjoy it. He tried to ignore the hollow ache in his chest at the thought. If this was his one and only chance with Levi, what did he want?
Shiloh wanted to feel, to taste, to explore like Levi was. He wanted to know what his skin tasted like, what it sounded like when Shiloh made him feel good. Could Shiloh even make him feel good? He had no experience at this…at all.
Just stop thinking.
When Levi’s lips found his Adam’s apple, his tongue laving over the dip in his throat, Shiloh finally gave up. He canted his hips, hoping to remind Levi that they’d been rubbing off on eachother just minutes ago. He wanted to do it again. He wanted to feel that spike of pure pleasure again, wanted Levi to drag another desperate moan from him. As many as it took to make them both come.
Luckily, Levi seemed to get the point, whispering, “I got you, baby.”
