His dad always needed to feel like a man. It was in the way he talked, carried himself, and interacted with his friends—these wannabe mobsters with their weak ties to powerful families. Lackeys, his mother would call them.
These lackeys constantly joked about Arsen being too small, too thin, too frail…too feminine. Arsen didn’t think there was much that was feminine about him, not compared to other boys in his school—like Felix. Felix loved lace and flowers and skirts. That was why Arsen never invited him over.
That was the real reason Arsen’s father hated him. Because he was gay. Arsen still didn’t know what it was that had given him away, how his father had known his orientation long before even Arsen himself. But it didn’t matter now.
“Zhmi na kurok,” his father growled in his ear.
Pull the trigger.
“No,” Arsen whispered, shaking his head.
“You’re a man. Men have to do hard things.”
Arsen wasn’t a man. He wasn’t. He wasn’t even a teenager. He didn’t want to do hard things. His whole life was hard. This wasn’t fair. Other kids got to play outside and go to school and live normal lives.
Arsen’s mom sat up a little straighter, righting her skirt and turning her frigid stare from his father to him. She gave him a warm smile, tears rolling down her cheeks. “It’s alright, zaichik.” She turned to look at his father. “I’m not afraid to die.”
Arsen’s father sneered. “Bitch.”
“Arsen!”
Arsen bolted upright, fighting the sudden weight on top of him, his hands wrapping around thin arms as he tried to shake off his dream. Ever. It was Ever on top of him. Ever holding him down. No. That wasn’t right.
Arsen scanned the room, disoriented. Why was he in the computer room? Why was Ever there? What time was it? Was he still dreaming? Ever gazed down at him, eyes wide.
Arsen blinked, eyes stinging. When he realized he was still gripping Ever’s arms, he released him abruptly, causing him to fall forward.
Arsen caught him, righting him, flushing before muttering, “Sorry.”
Ever frowned. “You were having another nightmare.”
Right. That.
Arsen sucked in heavy breaths, trying to get his heart rate back to normal, but it seemed useless. Though he was awake, the nightmare still had its hooks in him. He tried to distract himself, asking, “Did you hear me all the way in the other room?”
Ever hesitated then shook his head. “When I woke up, you weren’t in bed, so I came to look for you. You were…crying.”
Arsen’s hands went to his face, and he realized Ever was right. He wasn’t just covered with sweat but with tears. “Oh.” He looked up at Ever’s face, painted with neon pink and blue from the LED lights surrounding them. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”
Ever frowned. “You didn’t.”
Arsen fell back onto the pillows, Ever still sitting on his hips. He didn’t make any attempt to move and Arsen truly didn’t want to move him. He just stared up at him, letting his presence sooth the jagged edges of his memories.
Arsen’s crew had so many names for Ever. Angel. Dumpling. Bush baby. Gremlin. But none of those things described him with any accuracy. “You can lie down,” he offered.
Ever shrugged. “Okay.”
He didn’t move to the side as Arsen expected he would but instead blanketed himself over Arsen’s body, his head on his chest, his arms sort of starfished to the sides. Ever was so literal.
After a minute, he said, “Your heart’s beating really fast. Mine does too after nightmares.”
Arsen smiled. It wasn’t the nightmare. It was having Ever’s body on his. But he wouldn’t tell him that. He didn’t want to spook him. He brought his arms up around him, locking his fingers in the center of Ever’s back, just wanting to hold him. “Is this okay?”
Ever hummed, the sound vibrating from his chest straight into Arsen’s, then he wiggled a bit like he was settling in. “Uh-huh.”
He sounded sleepy. Arsen was tired, too, but the dream was still too fresh in his head to attempt to sleep again. It would suck him right back down into it.
Still, he closed his eyes, enjoying the heat and the weight of Ever pressing into him. But he needed to address what had happened earlier. What had sent Ever running from the room. “I’m sorry…about earlier.”
