Arsen was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was much…harder. “The last time? She’d done it before?”
Ever nodded, trying to use the same distant tone Arsen had used. Maybe it was easier to say the hard stuff that way. “Not a lot. Only when she needed something from someone who had certain interests in people who look like me.”
“Look like you?” Arsen asked.
Ever couldn’t look at Arsen when he said, “She would tell them I was a little kid.”
“Jesus,” Arsen muttered.
Ever flushed. Was he mad at him? Should he have kept this to himself? “It wasn’t a lie the first few times, technically. I was a kid, just not as small as they hoped.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
Ever shrugged. “She never let them do what they really wanted to do. She said that was a sin. That sex between two boys was wrong. So, she only let them use my hand…or my mouth. Most of them just wanted pictures.” Ever shivered. “Until the last time. She said he’d paid for the privilege and that it would only be one time.”
There was a low rumble from Arsen that sent goosebumps rippling along Ever’s skin.
“I’m sorry,” he said instinctively.
Arsen frowned at him. “Why are you sorry?”
Ever didn’t know why he was sorry, just that he was supposed to be. Why was everything so confusing? “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”
Arsen flopped onto his side until they were almost nose to nose. “You didn’t upset me,besenok. She upset me. She had no right to do that to you. No wonder you got scared tonight.I’msorry.”
It felt wrong for Arsen to apologize. He’d rescued Ever, saved him from a life in that tiny closet. There was nothing that would ever repay that. Even if he didn’t know what to do now that he was out of it. “Do you think I’m screwed up?”
“Screwed up?” Arsen echoed.
Ever nodded. “Jericho said I have trauma. Like it’s a disease. But Levi said you all have trauma, too. Does that make all of us screwed up?”
Arsen sighed. “I don’t know. Most days, I feel like other people. But what happened to me happened a long time ago. Same with Levi and the others. The stuff that happened to you was two days ago. You’re bound to be feeling it more than we do.”
Ever’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I don’t, though.”
“You don’t what?”
Ever’s gaze flicked to his then away again. “Feel it. I feel scared. Anxious. Everything feels really big and loud. I am scared, deep down, you’re a bad person, too. Or that I’m not going to be what you need and you’ll send me away. I’m scared that I don’t know anything or anyone. I’m scared that I don’t know how to do normal things. But when I think about the things that happened, that she did to me, what he did to me, I feel…nothing.”
It was true. Jennika had done horrible, disgusting things to him. She’d beaten him, berated him, used him, sold him, had abused him in ways he’d never utter out loud to anybody because they were humiliating. But there was no…feeling there. It was like he had stepped out of his body and just watched from a distance.
“Does that make me more normal or less?” Ever asked.
“I don’t know,” Arsen said. “But normal is overrated.”
Normal sounded nice to Ever. Even though the only normal he’d ever known was in fairy tales and the books Jennika let him get from the collection box at the church sometimes. Did people like them get normal? Jericho and Atticus seemed normal.
“Are Jericho and Atticus boyfriends?” Ever blurted.
“They’re married.”
“Boys can do that?” Ever said.
Arsen nodded. “Sure. Anybody can marry anybody.”
“Dotheyhave trauma?”
Arsen gave a soft laugh. “I think everybody has trauma to some degree. Bad things happen to everybody, but the degree of suffering is relative to the life experiences of the person it happens to. A dog that has never been beaten might think having its paw stepped on is traumatic. A dog that only gets beaten might think getting hit by a car is no different than any of its other suffering and continue to run not knowing how injured it is.”
