Arsen had referred to her as a horrible person. And she was. The worst kind of person. So, what was the real sin? Allowing an evil person to keep hurting innocents or wiping out the evil to protect others? To Ever, the answer was clear. But maybe that was because he was a bad person too deep down?
Before he could think too much more about it, Arsen rolled, the solid weight of him trapping Ever beneath him, his lips nuzzling against Ever’s ear like he was nestling into his favorite pillow.
Ever tried to free himself. But Arsen was so much bigger than him. His arms had fallen over Ever’s, holding them captive against his sides. It was only then, only once he realized he couldn’t move, couldn’t escape, couldn’t breath—that was when the panic set in. His heart was beating so hard, his brain yanking him back into a memory he’d never wanted to think about again.
Their laughing. His crying. Hands holding his wrists so tightly, it felt like his bones might actually shatter. The burning pain. The sour smell of his breath. The smell of cigarettes and sweat. He was going to puke.
All he had to do was cry out or scream or even just say Arsen’s name but the words stuck in his throat. Just like then. His head swam, his vision going fuzzy. Was this what it was like to faint?
Ever didn’t think, just raked his nails across Arsen’s side and lower back, the only place he could reach. Arsen reared back, a shout of pain on his lips. He sat on his knees between Ever’s legs, looking around in confusion, his hands going for his shredded skin.
Ever watched him come back to himself, saw him blink the cobwebs of his nightmares from his thoughts. That was when it happened, when his look of confusion morphed into one of horror as he realized he’d been on top of Ever.
“I—Are you alright?” he asked, voice hoarse from sleep. “Did I…” His eyes went wide and he blinked in confusion. “Did I try to hurt you?”
Ever shook his head. He didn’t answer out loud. There was no way he could find his words until his heart rate slowed. And that wasn’t happening anytime soon. Arsen’s hands were on him, running from his shoulders to his fingertips, then over his chest and belly, not in any sexual way but like he was checking him for any injury he might have caused.
“I’m fine,” he finally said, his voice equally raw, but not from sleep. “You didn’t do anything. I—You rolled over on me and I panicked. It’s my fault.”
Arsen stared down at him. “How is that your fault,besenok?” Arsen asked, shaking his head. “It’s all on me. I knew I should not let you sleep here. I have nightmares. Violent ones. It’s dangerous.”
The nightmares didn’t seem violent. He’d fallen on top of Ever but not with the intention of hurting him. “I have them, too, sometimes,” Ever said. “It’s okay.”
Arsen’s hand touched his cheek, and Ever’s lids fluttered closed. He just wanted to focus on the rough feel of his hand on his cheek, even if only for a second. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Ever opened his eyes, gazing at Arsen’s earnest face. “I…usually like your arms around me. But when you fell on me, I couldn’t move. I just got scared.”
Arsen went to move his palm but Ever snatched his wrist, holding it there, before realizing what he’d done and letting go quickly. What was wrong with him?
“I’m sorry,” Arsen said again, firmer this time. “Do you want to go sleep in the computer room?”
Ever shook his head violently. That was the last thing he wanted. That room was too big, too empty, too quiet. Too much like the closet. It made his skin crawl to be in there alone. “I wanna stay here with you.”
Arsen studied his face in the shadows for a long moment then collapsed beside him back on his side of the bed. “Yeah, okay.”
They laid there in silence for a long time before Ever finally said, “What are your nightmares about?”
Arsen turned his head to look at him. For a second, Ever thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then he said, “My mother.”
Had Arsen’s mother been a monster, too? “Was she bad like Jennika?”
Arsen gave a grim smile. “No. She was very good person. Very scary when she was angry, but she was never angry with me.”
The use of past tense didn’t escape Ever, leaving him with a hollow feeling low in his stomach. “What happened to her?”
“She died.”
Ever wasn’t sure he should be asking his next question but he did anyway. “How?”
Arsen caught Ever’s gaze, his expression grim. “My father shot her. In front of me.”
Ever sucked in a sharp breath. “Why?” It was a weird question. Why? Did people need a why to be evil? Not in Ever’s experience. “Sorry,” he said quickly, face in flames.
“Don’t be sorry,” Arsen said, giving him that gentle smile he seemed to only save for him. Ever didn’t know what to think of it. “He’s a violent man. He liked hurting people. Still does.”
Ever wanted to do something, to say something to make Arsen feel better, but he didn’t know what. He didn’t know how to make someone feel better about a dead parent or a bad one. So, he just took Arsen’s hand and held it.
Arsen looked down at their threaded fingers, then at Ever. “It’s not a nice story. But I’ll tell you if you want to know.”
