“Yes,” he admitted.
“I see,” she said as if it explained everything. She looked to Elijah. “I imagine being a celebrity has allowed for you to have many relationships. At least in the physical sense, no?”
Cold sweat trickled along his spine. Was it possible for a person to vomit up their own internal organs? He swallowed hard. This line of questioning was a downward spiral. His mind raced. If he told her the truth about his sexual history, she would ask more questions and more questions would lead to him having to lie about his past, about what had happened to him and the woman who had spent her life teaching her son to lie. She’d already caught him in a lie. So had Shep. She would know he lied about this and she might keep picking and picking until he started to bleed. “Celebrity would allow me many relationships, but being closeted was a barrier,” he managed, skirting around the question.
She gave him a wan smile. “Well, certainly, but many closeted stars have had active love lives. How many relationships have you had?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.“Including your son?” he hedged.
“Sure,” she said, watching him until his skin crawled.
He closed his eyes. “One.”
When he opened them again, they both studied him like he was a specimen under a microscope.
“You’re serious,” she said.
It was not a question, but Elijah answered anyway. “Yes.”
He had no plans to elaborate. Once more his leg began to bounce beneath the table and a thousand insects seemed to come to life beneath his skin.Not now. Not now.He tried to slow his breathing, but he couldn’t take a full breath. Holy fuck, he hadn’t had a full-blown anxiety attack in years. Not since… He shook the thought away. If he thought of his name, he would see his face and if he saw his face, he would feel his touch and if he started to remember what that felt like he might start screaming and never stop.
“Interesting,” she said in a way that made his heart drop into his stomach.
“Is it?” he mumbled, his insides shaking hard enough to make him ill.
“It makes sense why the two of you might be so… attached so quickly. If neither of you has ever been in a relationship before then this could mimic the attachment seen between many young people when they have their first serious relationship.”
A fractured laugh bubbled past Elijah’s lips before he cut it off, feeling like his lungs were in a vise grip. “Sorry. Are you implying this isn’t real? That this is some kind of high school puppy-love freshman romance?”
Dr. Molly’s brows knitted together. “Elijah? You’re very pale. Are you okay?”
No. He wasn’t okay. Definitely not. He swiped his hand across his upper lip, ignoring the dampness there. “I’m fine. I just don’t think you can act like our feelings aren’t valid because we’ve never experienced them before.” He hated the upward inflection of his words, hated that he felt like his eyeballs were sweating.
“I didn’t mean to imply that your feelings aren’t valid. But when two people have a sexual connection for the first time, it can create a bond, can make feelings seem deeper, more intense. It may be why my son—whose life experiences are rarely exaggerated enough to reach him emotionally—is so protective of you.”
Memories from his past rushed to the surface like a zombie’s hand thrusting from the earth of a long-forgotten grave. That hand was around his throat, cutting off his air. He swallowed hard, trying to force the hysteria back down. “I didn’t say he was my first sexual connection. I said he was my first relationship and I promise you that first ‘connection’ didn’t create any kind of bond.” It was a lie, he supposed. Could a giant gaping wound serve as a bond? Could wanting tohurl yourself off a roof when you thought about a person be seen as a bond? He supposed, but he refused to concede the point. He couldn’t. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t take a deep breath.
His past was dragging him down, dragging him back into a nightmare where a very human monster whispered in his ear. You willwant grown-up roles eventually, Eli. This is just practice. Trust me. This is how all the biggest stars prepare. It’s why your mother hired me. You want to be a big star, don’t you?
His stomach lurched but was empty. He wanted to stand up, to run, but his vision swam, distant voices reaching him from the bottom of the hole this conversation had dropped him into.
Shep and his mother spoke, Shep’s voice both angry and afraid, Molly’s sharp and stilted, but he couldn’t make out the words. He had to focus on breathing. He tried to take deep breaths but his lungs wouldn’t cooperate. Someone thrustsomething brown in front of his face. A bag. A paper bag. It startled him enough to halt his descent into unconsciousness. Molly and Shep knelt before him. “Elijah put this over your mouth and breathe,” Molly ordered.
He did as she asked, hands trembling. It seemed like a ridiculous exercise, but after a moment, the tightness in his chest eased, bringing him down in increments.
“What did you do to him?” Shep demanded.
Molly ignored him, her hand rubbing soothing circles on Elijah’s arm. Usually, he would shrug it off, he hated when people tried to soothe him, but it gave him something else to focus on, a sensation other than pain and panic to cling to. It seemed to take hours but eventually, his breathing returned to normal. “Are you taking any medications?” Molly asked. Elijah shook his head. Molly handed him a pill. “Take this.”
“What is it?” he mumbled.
“Alprazolam. You’re not allergic, are you?”
He shook his head, taking the pill and swallowing it down with juice. Exhaustion consumed him. He felt groggy and more than a little humiliated.
“Elijah, what just happened?” she asked.
“No.”
