38. I Love You
Ifelt like a pendulum, bouncing between emotions of absolute shock and shame. Shock because I’d never have evendreamedof assuming that myavôwould say something like that, and shame because I didn’t know how to look Myles in the eye and pretend like I didn’t feel utterly humiliated on my grandfather’s behalf. But then again, feelinganythingon his behalf didn’t seem right, especially when I was so hurt by the offer he’d made to Myles.
It was past eleven, and when I’d let Myles into the house and my bedroom around thirty minutes ago, the very first thing he’d told me was, “Your grandfather took me on a walk this afternoon and proffered to pay me money to break up with you.”
I’d gone completely numb after hearing that, so much so that he had to shake me multiple times in order to snap me out of it and tell him I was okay.
“Rina?”
I stared at my turquoise blanket, at the totem designs printed on it, at every single fiber of it that was visible to me –anythingto avoid meeting Myles’s gaze.
“Rina.” His voice sounded insistent this time, but I still didn’t look at him.
“Rina!”
I sucked in a breath and finally brought my eyes to his.
Myles’s brows were pinched together, and his lips were turned down. When I blinked at him, he gave me a barely-there smile and swallowed.
“Hey,” he said, then ran the knuckle of his forefinger over my left cheek once. “Why are you avoiding my gaze?”
You know why, I signed.
He shook his head. “Miguel’s words or actions don’t define you or the kind of values you like to follow, Rina. What happened shouldn’t alter your behavior towardsus. I don’t blame you for any of it, and I don’t want you to think I’ll see you any differently after today.”
Still, I am sorry, I signed.
Myles clicked his tongue. “Don’t do that; I’d never want you to apologize for someone else’s fuck-up.”
Does not mean I don’t feel mortified.
He tugged me towards him, and when I leaned in, he grabbed me by the waist so that I could straddle him.
“Listen,” he began, then tucked a few short strands of my hair behind my ears, “just like you, evenIcouldn’t believe when youravômade that absurd offer to me. And why? Because he wanted to say ‘I told you so’ to you and get the satisfaction of being falsely correct?” He scoffed. “That’s ridiculous, and you and I both know that. But hey, it happened, and we can’t change it, as much as we’d like to.” He wrapped his arms around my middle, and this time, gave me an all but magnetic smile. “If anything, Miguel’s offer made one thingveryclear to me. It’s crazy I didn’t realize it sooner, but I guess I wasn’t sure I could feel something like this so early on in our relationship. I was definitelywrong.”
My heart was in my throat as I waited for him to continue.
“Rina…” Myles searched my face before smiling again. “I love you,” he said, and my world all but turned on its axis. “I love yousofucking much, babe, that it’s almost insane. At first, I thought my restlessness during the hours we spent apart was because ofthe newness of what we had, but now I fully realize what it is that I was really feeling.” His bubblegum breath brushed against me. “Now I realize that it was love all along – growing every second of every day to become what it is in this moment.”
I looked at him –reallylooked. There was a welcoming chaos of emotions right in the center of my chest that was begging to be released, so I took an essence of it, cupped Myles’s face, and poured every inch of myself into the kiss I gave him.
When you know someone is right for you, you mold into them with everything you have. It’s a raw, trustworthy back-and-forth of reliance and desire; of hope and happiness. And with Myles, it’s been like this from the very beginning; it’s been a journey of absolute certitude from the moment our eyes met three months ago.
I touched my forehead to his after breaking the kiss. Then, when he gazed openly at me, I stretched up my right thumb, index and pinkie fingers, held the hand out with the palm facing away from me, and moved it back and forth slightly to say what I’ve known for a short while now.
I love you.
Because I did, so much so that I felt a buzz go up all the way from my toes to my scalp after finally having signed that.
Myles grinned as he pulled me closer to him. “Do that again,” he said.
I chuckled and did as he’d asked.
“Again.”
I love you, I signed, and he kissed me.
I moaned and cupped the nape of his neck with both of my hands before opening my mouth for him.
