He hasn’t spoken a word to me since he started driving us out of Upside, and even though I’ve wanted to, I haven’t attempted at starting a conversation with him. I know I should, but I also want to give him time to clear his head, because I feel like he really needs it tonight.
We reach a pull-off, and Dorran turns his bike into it. The road is a bumpy high-rise here, so he slows down and drives at a neutral pace.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“You’ll see,” is all he says.
The ground transforms into a carpet of lush green grass the further we go, and when Dorran finally stops his Harley at a massive clearing, it takes me a moment to realize where we are.
I get off the bike and look around the hilltop we’re on, and can’t help but suck in a breath when I get an unrestricted view of the ocean in front of me. It’s wide and calm, and the water all but glistens against the moonlight. Subtle waves crash and fall into each other, and with how coincided the sky and the ocean appear to be, I can see the stars reflecting in each ripple that passes and returns.
I turn around, and find Dorran sitting on the grass. His knees are folded and pressed to his chest, and his forearms are rested atop them as he stares at the ocean with a pensive look on his face.
I’m momentarily struck by how detached he seems; how he’s hunched over a little, and how his brows touch every other second, indicating that he’s thinking something.
I erase the short distance between us and sit next to him, then scoot closer to make sure we’re touching. I’m about to place a hand on his arm and ask him what’s got him this disheveled, but he beats me to it.
“Varsha shot Gavin yesterday. Multiple times.” He then follows those words by telling me everything that happened atRadicalInk, and how he had to kill Nicole in order to avoid leaving any loose ends behind.
I open my mouth to say something – what, I don’t exactly know. There’s so much to unpack here that I have to sit quietly and process every bit of it before I decide to respond to any of it.
Firstly, what I personally feel after having just heard Dorran, is relief. Relief that Gavin’s dead. As much as I didn’t give a shit about him, he was starting to pose a threat, so he naturally had to go. And I know it’s selfish of me to put my feelings first, but I’m not a goddamn saint, and I’m not ashamed to admit being happy about something, despite it being someone’s death.
Secondly, Varsha shot Gavin, which I’m assuming is the reason behind Dorran’s shift in mood. I know Gavin and Varsha had history, but from the extent of it I’m aware of, he cheated on her with Nicole. So, circling back to point one, I’m glad he’s dead, and I’m glad Varsha was the one who put an end to him. But that also means killing him triggered her mentally, and in turn the entire crew.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I urge Dorran.
He looks at me, and there’s literal pain in his eyes – one he chooses to let me see.
“Alex and I found Varsha crying inFinesse’sbathroom a couple of hours after she killed Gavin,” he says. “She’s fine now, of course, butfuck, Cigs, I’ve…I haven’t seen her like this since the day Jayce and I found her 5 years ago. And what happened with Gavin ended up breaking that cycle.” He brings his knees down and crosses his legs before shifting to face me. “I’m fucking mad at that asshole, even though he’s gone. I wanna kill him, have his blood on my hands, but he’s already dead. Too easily forgiven and forgotten. And I can’t help but think how unreasonable love is. Because that’s what Varsha felt for him, didn’t she?Love.” He lets go of a crude laugh. “Such a small fucking word, and yet, it consumes a human being, makes them helpless to the point where they’ve got no other choice but to lose. Love is a weakness, a manifestation of all things wrong in this world.”
I love you.
The three words echo in my mind so suddenly, that it makes my entire body go numb. My head buzzes with the realization, and a single tear falls down my cheek, but I quickly swipe it away before Dorran can notice.
I don’t know when it happened, but it did. I think I’ve known it – subconsciously, perhaps, even before my brain fully registered it. It’s sort of a blind revelation, but it’s there; itexists. I love Dorran, and it’s the goddamn truth.
“And yet…” he continues, then scoffs. “I love my crew, and Christ help me, I love Solo as well.” He shakes his head after that last admission.
I manage to smile, but I can’t help but flinch at the prickling pain in my chest. I know I shouldn’t expect it, but it still hurts knowing I’m not one of the people he loves. But unfortunately for me, I’m far too into him to let the pain bother me.
I sniff and slide my hair behind my ears. “Varsha always seems so, I don’t know…”
“Impassive?” Dorran provides.
“Levelheaded,” I say. “She’s always calm, always in control of things. She knows what needs to be done under every circumstance, and she does it without panicking or fumbling.”
“She was none of those things earlier.” Dorran pushes his curls away from his forehead, but they fall forward again. “I guess even the strongest of minds have their limit, huh?”
“Every human being does.”
“True.” He smiles ruefully. “But, being one of the shoulders for her to lean on today was draining. And trust me, I’m not complaining; I’m here for her whenever she needs me. But I gave her all I had, and now I feel kind of…empty. And let me tell you somethin’: it’s a scary fucking feeling, especially when I’ve got people relying on me. I can’t zone out or lose focus; I simply can’t switch off.”
“But youcan,” I argue. “And youshould, Dorran. I understand you’ve got a duty towards your family, but you’ve also got a necessary obligation toyourself. If the very foundation of an empire weakens, then it’s only a matter of time before the rest of it comes tumbling down. And that’s exactly what you are to your crew – the fucking kernel. Don’t be afraid to step back when you need to, because every once in a while, youdoneed the space, even when you think you don’t.”
His throat bobs as he swallows. “It’s not something I’m used to.”
“Then don’t make it a habit,” I tell him. “Take a break only when you feel like you seriously can’t handle shit.”
