Gallan placed his elbows on the table in front of him. “And what about me? Didn’tItell you I was ready to be there for you? Did you not trust me? Did you think I was lying?”
I shook my head as I swallowed my tears. “No, it’s just…” I sniffed. “I thought you wouldn’t want the new me. I thought you would bolt the moment you saw me wake up after a nightmare – all frantic and crazy. I thought you wouldn’t understand why I screamed out of the blue for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and…” I fisted my hands when they started shaking a little. “I thought you’d think I’ve gone nuts or something. Until a few weeks ago, I couldn’t even be in a room whose door was closed. I had a hard time touching or shutting doors, too. I was a literal mess, Gallan, and I didn’t want you to see me like that because I blamed you for everything. I kept telling myself over and over again that you were the one who caused these things. That you were the reason why I’d gotten so screwed up.”
He looked a bit taken aback by my words. “I didn’t know about the door thing,” he said slowly. It meant that he knew about my nightmares and frights.
“I didn’t tell anyone but Dylan and Dr. Hill about it.”
“Dr. Hill?”
“My therapist,” I clarified.
Gallan frowned. “You still see them?”
“Yeah, I meet up with her once a week.”
He pushed his hair back and stared at his table. “I feel so out-of-loop,” he began. “I don’t even know what exactly you’re going through, and what all you’ve already faced. I kept asking you to let me in, or even talk to me for a bit, but you were convinced that I was the villain, and decided to punish me for it.” He looked at me. “I would have given you anything and everything you needed to get better; space, no space –anything. I just wanted to beinvolved. I just wanted to hold you and kiss you and tell you that I love you, but you didn’t even give me that. You dove headfirst into Aubrey’s trap and hurt me. You said you regretted me –us. You said I was a mistake.” He pushed away from the table and rotated his chair so he was looking away from me. “God, Zaira. Youreallyfucking hurt me…”
“Gallan…”
“I felt nothing for the first few days after the incident,” he said with his back to me. “I was functioning on autopilot and didn’t speak with anyone.” He scratched his stubble. “Every time you didn’t respond to one of my messages or receive my calls, I shattered. It happened little by little, but the day I came to your apartment and you told me to my face that you blamed me for everything and didn’t want me anymore – I broke completely. I genuinely felt like I’d been punched, and it took weeks before I even came to terms with the fact that you didn’t want anything to do with me.” He cleared his throat and continued to avoid eye contact with me.
“Gall…” I breathed between a sob as I walked around the table and knelt before him. “I’m so sorry. Please… I’m sorry.” I placed my hands on his thighs. “I don’t regret you or us. I never could. You can never be a mistake to me when you’re a literal part of me, just as my heart is.” I sniffed. “I was upset and frustrated and confused. I kept asking myself: why me? but didn’t exactly get an answer, which frustrated me even more.”
He faced me. “You weren’t the only one suffering, Zaira,” he said a little shakily. “Not knowing what you were doing or how you were feeling – it tortured me. Not being able to touch you or see you in person – it drove me insane. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night; couldn’t stop thinking about what you must’ve gone through and how you must’ve felt in those moments. You must have a hard time trying not to think about them or reliving them in your head on a daily basis. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to be there for you – so that I could share your fears and sadness and pain with you.”
I rose on my knees. “My idiocy was a major milestone keeping me from you. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve questioned myself over these past few months. I wished to be close to you, yet I feared what that would mean for my intentions of healing. I’m so sorry.” I looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I messed up, but I’m ready to fix it. I promise I’ll be better from now on. I promise I’ll–”
Gallan shook his head. “I don’t want that, Zaira,” he said.
My throat clogged; my chest tightened.
He must’ve seen the shock on my face because he shook his head again. “That’s not what I meant.” He slid his chair back and got to his feet. “Stand up.” He offered me a hand.
I took it and stood, and as I gazed up at him, he stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“What I meant was: I don’t want you to try to be something you’re not. You don’t have to get better for me.Never. I know you’re still healing, and the last thing I want you to do is act as if everything is okay.” He smiled at me, which made my heart race. “I want you as you are, Zaira. I always have. I want the nasty, the anger, the sorrow, the smiles. The fear, the tears, the mood swings, the jokes and blood-boiling questions. I wanteverything. Not just the good but also the bad. Give it all to me, because baby…” He leaned in and touched his nose to mine. “I love you, and I don’t want you to hide. I don’t want you to try to get better just because you think I need that from you. Because I don’t, Zaira, trust me. I’m happy with what you give me. Don’t you know that I’m selfish for you? Every drop of you is my oasis, and I’ll cherish you for the rest of my life, I promise.”
I placed a hand over his chest. “I love you too, and I’m sorry I was a bitch to you.”
He shrugged. “You didn’t call the psychiatric ward on me for the long-ass love-monologues I sent you during the first few weeks, so I think we’re even.” When I chuckled, he gazed intently at me. “But in all seriousness,I’msorry if I pushed your boundaries or hurt you; if I said something that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry if I was an asshole to you. I’m not perfect; I suck. But with you I feel like I’m actually living, and I don’t wanna let go of that essence ever again.”
I slapped his jaw playfully. “You don’t suck, you corny weirdo. You never have and never will.”
His eyes gleamed as he grinned beautifully at me. “God, I missed you.” He bent and pressed his lips to mine.
I smiled as I kissed him back, and when he grabbed my ass and pulled me against his hardness, I moaned and tangled my hands in his hair.
“You know, I thought you were going to murder me with a stapler or something the moment you saw me,” I said against his lips.
Gallan moved back and looked at me with confusion on his face. “What?”
I bit my bottom lip. “I was telling Sage how death by stationaries was not my mojo.”
“I’m so confused right now,” he said, and when I laughed, he tickled my sides before wrapping me tighter in his arms. “You’re crazy, woman.”
“I know.” I pressed a kiss on his chin. “But you like it.”
“Iloveit, actually,” he said.
