Weeks of practicing the same mantra; weeks of convincing myself that the new version of me was one I’d have to stick with. Weeks of crying into my hands; weeks of feeling conditioned to move on in order to try and forget about the past.EverythingI’d worked so fucking hard at establishing – it all came tumbling down like a pile of unburnt ashes.
With my hands trembling in anger, I pushed at Gallan’s chest hard enough that he stumbled back and slumped at the edge of the bed.
“What the fuck?” He stared at me in utter shock.
I sat up, pushed my hoodie down, and moved away from him. “Leave,” I said.
His brows creased as he continued to look at me. “What?”
“Leave, Gallan. Can’t you fucking understand simple English?!” I barked.
“Are you being serious right now?”
“Does it look like I’m lying or fooling around?”
He ran a hand over his jaw. “Well, you weren’t asking me to leave two minutes ago when I was balls-deep inside you, so forgive me for being confused over your sudden change of behavior,” he sneered.
“It was a mistake,” I spat. “It was a big fucking mistake, okay? We shouldn’t have done this; it was wrong.”
He jerked his head back in shock. “Wow, Zaira…” He shook his head slowly. “Fuckingwow.” His throat bobbed as he got off the bed with his jaw bunched tight. He grabbed his underwear from the floor, put it on, walked over to my closet, and pulled out a pair of his spare jeans and t-shirt before putting them on, too. He pushed his hair back and pocketed his wallet, phone, and car keys. He marched towards my bedroom door, but stopped right in front of it before turning around and facing me. “I thought I could change your mind,” he said, and then sniffed. “But man, was I wrong.” He chuckled darkly, and the sound sliced at my chest. “You’re so fucking stubborn, Zaira, that you can’t even see how wrong you are in this. You’re so blinded by your own thoughts and plans of doing things your own way that you don’t evenwantto see the other side of the coin.” He moved as if to step forward, but stopped and shook his head. “I tried, but I’m only a man, and now I’mtired. I’m tired of trying to make you see, of hoping that you’ll realize how baseless your rules are. I’m tired of trying to make you love me again, and I’m so damn sick of waiting around like a stray – in hopes that you’ll pick me again. That you’llchooseme, put me above whatever beliefs you’ve developed during the course of these past few weeks.” He opened my bedroom door. “But I’m done now, and unlike you, my thoughts are one-tracked and logical. I’mdone. And this,” he pointed between us, “is over. You won; you got what you wanted.Bravo.” Silver lined his expressive eyes as he looked at me with so much pain that something inside me just…snapped.
“Gall–”
“Don’t,” he warned. “Just don’t, Zaira. I don’t wanna hear it. I’m done. Good-fucking-bye.” And with that, he turned around and walked away from me.
I placed a hand over my mouth as a broken sob left me, and as Gallan crossed the living room and reached for the apartment door, I got to my feet and ran after him.
“Gallan!” I called, but he didn’t stop. Didn’t so much as falter as he crossed the hallway. “Gallan,please,” I begged from my doorway. “Gallan, stop.”
He didn’t. He just took a right and disappeared from sight.
I closed my eyes and fell on my knees before bowing my head.
Stupid – I was a living joke in the face of commonsense. I’d spent days and nights since the incident blaming Gallan for everything, when he’d spent those very same days and nights trying to convince me of how wrong I was. Where I’d decided to give up, he’d continued to hold on to the strings that bound us, until they at last broke under the weight of my absurdity.
Maybe I was too proud to admit that I’d thrown him under the bus just to find an easy solution to my fears, or maybe I was just flat-out dumb.
And why had it taken me so long to see through my mistakes? Why had it taken Gallan walking out on me for me to come to terms with the reality of my decisions?
It was the way he’d looked at me right before turning his back on me that had shown me the mirror. It was the pain and defeat and frustration on his face right before he’d said goodbye that had woken me up from my unneeded sleep.
And, as I opened my eyes and stared at the cold floor in front of me, I realized that it was the finality in his voice as he’d said he was done that had pierced right through my self-imposed walls and turned them to rubbles.
“I love you,” I breathed as I cried into the early-morning silence. “I love you and I want you… Ineedyou.”
But did I even deserve him after everything I’d put him through?
Would he even want to reason with me after everything I’d told him?
And most of all, would he even want to look at me after how I’d treated him right after we’d had sex a few minutes ago?
I guess I wouldn’t know until I did something about it, now would I?
