Baby, I don't wanna know what it's like to lose you…
Oh, 'cause people break up, fall in and outta love
But giving this up somehow just won't do
And I don't wanna give you a reason to leave me
Watch you drive off in the night
I never wanna feel that freedom that people say they find
I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know what it's like to lose you…
I was breathing hard. I could barely see straight as I wiped my damp cheeks and pushed a wave of hair behind my ear.
The song he’d sung wasLoseYou, by Jordan Davis, and God was it making me feeleverythinghe wanted to say to me.
“Gallan…” My lips tingled in pleasure as his name brushed against them.
“Why did you ask Shane to make our breakup official, Zaira?” he asked with a strain in his voice that matched the one in mine. “Why did you do this to me – tous? Why, baby?”
I swallowed again as I tried to keep fresh tears at bay. The way he called me baby was enough to leave me helpless, but I couldn’t give in so easily, not after I’d tried so hard to convince myself that him and I’s paths couldn’t stay parallel anymore.
“I just gave Shane an answer to his question,” I said simply.
“Fuck the question, Zaira,” he growled. “Did you really think you could make a decision this big without involvingmein it? Did you really think it was that easy?”
I clenched my jaw. “Whatever I did, I did formyself, Gallan. I did it because I’m broken and I need to fix myself. I did it because I’m terrified that I won’t be able to heal if I keep putting myself through the same thing over and over again. I’m doing it because I wanna prove to myself that I have the power to get better without having a helping hand around.”
He sighed. “But you’reperfect,” he said so matter-of-factly that it made me suck in a quick breath. “You don’t need to fix yourself; you don’t need to heal.”
I exhaled as I stretched my legs before me and bumped my toes against each other. “Please don’t say things like that…” I whispered, and then closed my eyes. “Please.”
“But it’s the truth,” he said slowly. “I don’t give a damn about anything butyou. I don’t want anything butyou. I’ll give you more space if you need it, and I’ll even do everything else you want me to, butpleasedon’t let go of me, Zaira. Just…please.”
“Gall–”
“I can’t lose you,” he cut me off. “I seriously fucking can’t, baby. You’re the very pulse beating under my skin. You’re a purpose so necessary that it’s hard to go through things on a daily knowing that you’re not with me. You’re my fucking hope and greed and desire. Hell, you’re the reason I haven’t gone batshit crazy yet.” He chuckled, and the sound traveled all the way to my core. “I’ve been living off of photos and videos of us for the past few weeks. The only way I’ve been able to tackle all those interviews and photoshoots is by keeping your smile, and your voice, in my head. Do you even know how important you are to me, Zaira? Or have you forgotten?”
I’ve never felt a rush of emotions so strong as I did in that moment. Gallan has always been vocal about his affection for me, sure, but the words he’d just uttered – those were like a tidal wave with an inevitable motive.
Destruction.
He’d ruined me with his proclamations, and because I was too weak to hold my own against the force of his determination, I decided to stay quiet lest I betrayed myself and said something that would contradict my resolve.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked again. “Just tell me why and I promise I’ll stop questioning you.”
“I’ve already told you everything.”
“No, you haven’t,” he challenged. “You’re punishing the both of us, and for what? For keeping yourself safe from a future incident similar to the one you went through? To avoid unnecessary attacks from the media? For some inner debate on whether or not you can get better on your own?Bullshit.”
“You don’t know what I’m going through,” I said between gritted teeth. “Don’t try to bring yourself into this.”
He scoffed. “How will I fucking know what you’re going through when you don’t evenshareanything with me?!” he all but yelled. “Come on, Zaira; tell me that I’m wrong.”
“Stop this,” I hissed. “I don’t know what you’re doing, or evenwhyyou’re doing it, but I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t want you to call or text at all, for that matter. I already told Shane to make an announcement. I don’t know why he hasn’t done it yet, but I was very clear about my decision.”
The silence that followed after I’d finished told me that I’d hurt him.
I began clenching and unclenching my fist as I waited for him to say something. I was hoping to get a harsh comment as a comeback, but the words that met my ear a heartbeat later held more impact and damage than any of mine ever would have.
“Goodbye, Zaira,” Gallan said, and then, the line went dead.
I pulled my phone away from my face and stared at it, and when nothing but cold darkness looked back at me, I hugged my knees to my chest, squeezed my eyes shut, and let go of the weight on my chest without restraint or tenacity.
With only the dark, silent night as my witness.
