50.
October 4th, 2020
Something was touching my face, I couldn’t tell what. The left side of my body felt numb, and so did my head. My lower back hurt like I’d been kicked, and my throat burned from the aftermath of all my screaming.
I moved back and sat up with a gasp when I felt something on my face again. I looked around me, and it took me a second to realize where I was.
I was in the dark studio, locked in by Aubrey and her batch of crows.
Somewhere between trying to not lose my shit and trying to stay calm, I must’ve dozed off. I had no recollection of lying on the floor, but maybe I’d fallen, or had done it unknowingly in my sleep.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and grabbed my phone from the pocket of my jeans before turning on its flashlight. I moved it around, but stopped when I saw a rat staring up at me with big black eyes. It was sitting in front of me with its head tilted to the side, and when I made a shooing gesture at it, it squeaked once before running to the other side of the room.
Tired – I was so damn tired. I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone stay seated without falling sideways.
I shifted and lied back down on the floor before closing my eyes. I hid a yawn behind a hand, and began questioning the reason for my situation. The motive behind it.
Why me?
Why was I being targeted?
Why was I being treated like this?
Why was I the source of mockery and bullying for people?
Why was I the one in the wrong?
What had I even done wrong?
Why had things in my life gone from basic to drastic? When and why did my normalcy flee from me?
As I curled into myself and hugged my phone to my chest, I realized that I already knew the answer to all of the above questions. I’ve known it even before the questions started echoing in my mind.
As I cried onto the rocky floor and let go of my frustration and pain and anger, I realized that despite knowing what the consequences of my decisions would be, I still went along with the change, and with everything else that came with it.
Despite knowing how much this would affect me, I still decided to fall, and fall hard and fast and deep.
Forhim.
For Gallan.
I changed everything for him.
I accepted the alterations – both good and bad – only so I could have him.
I molded myself into a version of myself that was so different from the one I’ve known my whole life.
I gave up on the basic aspects of my routine just so I could start practicing his.
And was it worth it?
Were the changes worth my comfort?
Was the overwhelming feeling of being the center of attraction and a bait to those who thought were better than me, worth even a smidge of my morals?
I squeezed my eyes shut and placed a fist over my mouth as I sobbed harder; as I answered my questions with a heavy heart but a resolute mind.
No, it wasn’t.
