“Then close your eyes.”
“What do you dream about?”
I stroked my thumb against his chest. “Fletcher. Losing my father. Losing you. Running. Chasing. The people I’ve killed. Sometimes I remember voices or a feeling more than images. Anything good is fleeting. I don’t think dreams are ever the same once your life is tangled in violence like ours. Be glad you don’t dream, Christian. That’s where our demons live, where we don’t have control. Waking dreams are the only ones worth having.”
He brushed back my damp hair. “And what do you dream while awake?”
Those were darker than my sleeping ones. They were all the things I wanted to do to the people who’d wronged me and the ones I loved. “Let’s just sleep for a while,” I said, closing my eyes.
So many emotions stirred within me that my insides were numb. All I wanted to do was feel the rise and fall of his chest, to hear his little grunts when he would stretch, to feel his presence. His life. There were no assurances in our world. What if the surgery hadn’t worked? What if disconnecting from his body had severed his connection with the living world?
Shut up, shut up, shut up,I told myself, trying to switch off my brain.
Christian wrapped me in a warm embrace. He had a way of turning down all that noise in my head. “I wore that infernal tail all the way to the netherworld.”
“I’ll give you anything, Poe. Just say the word.”
* * *
After Raven left the room,Crush couldn’t get back to sleep. His head was still hurting from the accident, but he would never let her know that. She had bigger problems on her hands. He wasn’t the father who could protect her anymore, and it bothered him. He hadn’t truly been able to protect her since the day she left home all those years ago. He was proud of the woman she had become, yet he was also afraid. Nobody lived forever, and the thought of losing her while he still walked this earth rattled him. Seeing her covered in all that blood—Jesus. He couldn’t get it out of his head.
“Sorry, Bonnie,” he said to the empty room. “You were right. Always were. I know this isn’t the life you wanted for our baby girl. I wasn’t the best father figure, and I guess sobering up wasn’t enough to put her on the path you wanted.”
Even though it had been many years since Bonnie’s death, he still talked to her in quiet moments. Raven wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but Bonnie had always wanted kids and was excited when she found out. Crush was scared as hell, just not scared enough to change his ways. He used to drink because he’d never learned how to deal with some of the emotional trauma from combat. Even when he learned to cope, it wasn’t easy getting used to living in the free world again. He felt like an outsider, like he belonged somewhere else. Bonnie was his anchor, and he loved her fiercely. And when Raven came into the picture, he felt that love all over again with a perfect little stranger. He tried to be there, but Bonnie was distancing herself from Crush’s Breed friends. She wanted a normal life for her daughter, and a normal life scared the hell out of him. He sometimes wondered if her last moments on earth were disappointment and fear that if Raven made it out alive, she’d have to live with an alcoholic.
Crush got up from the bed and ran his hand down the raccoon sweatshirt Raven had bought him. It made him feel a little warmer, and hell, he’d wear anything that girl bought for him. That was how she showed her love. Buying him food, fixing his trailer when she didn’t think he’d notice. And he sure as hell noticed things like dripping faucets that were magically repaired and the small hole in the laundry-room wall suddenly patched. They were cut from the same cloth, and maybe that was part of his worry. Now that she was immortal, she had to think about a long future and providing for herself. There was no amount of inheritance Crush could pass down to her that would make a lick of difference in her situation. Even still, he’d been saving his money after she had squared away his debts. All he wanted in the world was to do right by her and to make sure she was taken care of long after he was gone. That was why he worked long hours and took on extra repairs—to sock away whatever he could for her nest egg.
Restless and unable to sleep, he put on his raccoon socks and shuffled into the hallway. Hopefully Harley was minding his manners with the kid and not pissing all over the place. Crush needed to stretch his legs and walk off some of his anxiety. He honored Raven’s wishes for him to remain isolated upstairs, understanding the secrecy their job required.
Some of the lanterns in the hall were lit. Not many—just enough to keep his ass from tripping. As he passed each door, he wondered which one belonged to Christian.
He grimaced at the thought of Christian having surgery while awake. As much as he despised that Vampire’s attitude and Breed, Raven clung to him, and sometimes a person needed a life preserver when the seas got rough. That didn’t mean Crush was okay with it. Despite what Christian had done for her in the past, Crush barely knew the guy. He’d learned one valuable lesson when it came to love: you can be good to her, but it doesn’t mean you’re goodforher. Vampires were known charmers, memory scrubbers, and could easily shatter bones by accident. Raven was Crush’s whole heart, and that left him torn. And yet she must love this man to have accepted his proposal.
Crush followed the sound of music coming from a room up ahead. The halls were a labyrinth. The arched ceilings and old windows made him feel like he was in a medieval castle. He missed his home and his stuff. A man got used to small spaces pretty easily, and he had everything he needed: a garage for his bike and tools, a big property, a nice porch he could stand on, and his TV.
And that was what made time drag around here: no television. He couldn’t even see out the bedroom window since Shepherd had taped plastic over the damn thing. While he appreciated them going out of their way, the blankets on the bed were more than enough to keep him warm. Hell, he was warmer in Raven’s bed than he was in his own. She had a fireplace, blankets, and thick walls.
When he reached the source of the music, he stared at the wooden door and knocked, curious who was playing “Send Her My Love” by Journey.
Wyatt answered, and Crush gave him a quick scan. His T-shirt was half tucked into his sweatpants and had video game images on it.
Crush noticed the joint pinched between his fingers. “You wouldn’t happen to have a cigar in here, would you?”
“You scared the ghost out of me.” Wyatt leaned forward and squinted. “You’re not supposed to be out.”
Crush folded his arms. “I’m all out of fucks to give. Besides, I’m allowed to walk anywhere as long as I stay up here. Is that the kind of music you like?”
Wyatt shrugged. “It takes me back.” He glanced down at Crush’s outfit and chuckled. “What’s going on, Mr. Rocky Raccoon?”
“Rebel.”
Wyatt’s eyes widened with glee. “Did you go to that place? I’ve been wanting to go ever since they opened. I heard the popcorn they sell is out of sight.” He took a short puff from his joint, but the tip had quickly burned out.
“You wouldn’t happen to have something I can watch TV on? I’m going out of my mind.”
Wyatt cocked his fingers like a gun and made a clicking sound with his tongue. “Gotcha. Hold your ponies while I get something.”
The door slammed, and Crush scratched underneath the bandage on his head. Maybe he needed to take his health seriously if he wanted to stick around long enough to make sure Raven was okay. Bonnie would raise hell if she knew he wasn’t at least trying to live longer. But what the hell did she expect him to do? Become a vegetarian?
