He was sitting up with his back against the headboard, eyes hooded. “What time is it?”
“Late. Just lie down and rest.”
“I feel… not myself.”
“Shepherd gave you a drug cocktail.” I walked left to the fireplace and sat on the hearth. After putting a log on the grate, I opened the flue and got the kindling going. I couldn’t bring myself to ask him if he had felt anything during surgery. If he heard the saw. If he felt his ribs breaking. If he felt the wood ripping out of his beating heart. Just the idea of it tore me to pieces.
Christian approached and stood beside me. “Did I drink blood, or was that a dream? It’s been so long since I dreamed…”
I sprang to my feet and threw my arms around him, holding him tight. Holding him like I never wanted to let go. My heart shattered, knowing how close I’d come to losing him. Had Shepherd not been able to remove all the wood or had there been pieces buried so deep we’d never find them, Viktor might have suggested ending his suffering. Then I remembered the moment Wyatt had told me Christian’s ghost appeared to him—the moment I thought I’d lost him forever.
“I thought you were dead,” I whispered. “Don’t you ever leave me.”
He held me in his protective embrace. “Did you hold my heart in your hand?”
“That was Shepherd. I would have dropped it.”
He sighed against my hair. “What then? Would you have dipped it in gold? Mounted it on the wall?”
“Don’t make jokes. Not now.”
When he tottered to the side, I held him up to keep him from falling. “Go lie down,” I ordered, offering support as I walked him to the bed. “Are you in any pain?”
“I can’t even feel my knees.” He sat down and then anchored his hands on my hips. “I’m hard, lass.”
“It’s my stupid gift. I killed a Charmer, and now everyone’s horny around me. Well, except for my father. Thank God. That would have been traumatic.” I tucked his legs under the sheets. “You’re still drugged and weak, so I’m not taking advantage of you. Shepherd gave you another dose before we carried you up here.”
“Give Wyatt my thanks.”
“Is that sarcasm?”
He draped his arm over his forehead. “I give him a hard time, to be sure, but he stepped up. No one wanted to pull out the stake. Claude was afraid it might rip out my heart, and Viktor wanted to wait.”
I sat on the edge of the bed. “Were you really outside your body?”
“Aye. But it was empty, and I didn’t care for it one bit. I’d rather feel the pain of life than feel nothing at all. Wyatt was the only one willing to free me. What if I died and I missed the boat? When he pulled it free, it was a strange thing to watch.” Christian rubbed his eyes. “Didn’t hurt until I jumped back in my body.”
I stared at my hands. “I wanted to knock you out all the way. Shepherd said we couldn’t. He said the only way to know if he got every last piece of wood was to see you move, and if you were sedated all the way, he might have to do it all over again. I really didn’t know what you would have wanted.”
Christian put his hand over mine. “Part of it was dreamlike. I suppose that was the drugs. I know there was pain, only now I don’t remember it the same.” He touched his chest. “I think my body remembers it more than my mind.”
“I made a decision, and I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about it. On the car ride home, I begged Shepherd to use his gift to take away your pain during surgery. He said no and explained later that he couldn’t do two things at once. If someone else had been qualified to operate, he might have attempted it but wasn’t sure it would’ve worked. Then I asked him if he could remove the memory of pain, and he did. That was after you passed out on the floor. He can’t remove your memory of the experience, but you won’t remember how it felt. You won’t have any lingering phantom pains. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of you living with that, and when Shepherd took your sensory experience, he said it was a nightmare.” I touched the onyx ring on his finger. “I know it was probably your choice to make…”
“But you were looking out for me.” He kissed my hand and then patted the empty spot to his left. “Sit beside me.”
I walked to the right side of the bed and sat next to him, my arms crossed and legs on top of the sheet.
Christian wearily rubbed his eyes and then stared at me so intensely that I couldn’t meet his gaze. “What vexes you?”
“Why did you stay behind?”
“I wasn’t given a choice. There were no heavenly angels or demons to collect my soul. No matter. I didn’t want to leave. If someone found our bodies, it would have traced back to Viktor. Not to mention I hadn’t finished killing the Mage, and he would’ve escaped. None of you would have been safe. Damnedest thing. I was thinking of Wyatt as clearly as I could, and the next thing I knew, I was standing in his doorway. Is he dead?”
“Li Han or Wyatt?” I gave a mirthless smile when my joke didn’t even amuse me. “He was still alive when they got there. After they finished the job, they stuffed him in the back of the Jeep. That must have been after you jumped back into your body.”
“And you’re certain it was him?”
“They said he had the tattoo.” I dared to look at my partner. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I tried apologizing in the medical room.”
