“I’m so glad I’m learning how to use my own gifts. I came to Viktor with the full expectation I’d be lending my skills as a Relic. I think I was just scared.”
“Of?”
When she turned on her side, Niko moved off and sat facing her. “My ineptitude. But this Relic—she’s taught me so much about my power. I never attend her group sessions since I don’t want anyone finding out what I do, so we meet privately. Her therapy is everything I needed. Mary doesn’t just guide me through controlling my energy—she’s helping me navigate through Magehood. I want to help Keystone in more ways than just one. Every single person we capture, every single criminal ring we take down, is a chance for someone else to have a better life. I want to be a part of that. Maybe if there were more people like us, I wouldn’t have had the rotten childhood that I did.”
“I’m glad you’ve found a mentor. You could have come to me, but I’m afraid I know little about your specific gift.”
“I’m just so happy you’re my best friend.” She touched his hand, and her heart warmed. Gem didn’t have to worry about the right words with Niko since he was skilled at reading emotional energy. It made their friendship uncomplicated and easy.
Niko always pushed her to try new things and challenge herself, whereas most people had always reminded her of her limitations or discouraged her from doing dangerous or impossible feats. Even her own partner shielded her far too much, as if she were incompetent and weak. Claude only did it because of his protective nature, so it wasn’t his fault. Yet Niko’s and Mary’s encouragement pushed her to new levels, empowering her to feel like she could be so much more than just a petite girl with language skills.
It made her feel a certain way toward Niko—a feeling she couldn’t articulate, nor had she ever felt before. He respected her, was incredibly patient, and was genuinely interested in listening to her long-winded discussions about historical facts or etymology.
Maybe this was what true friendship felt like.
“I wish I could see your thoughts,” he said softly.
“They would look like a kaleidoscope of butterflies.”
“You have a way with words.” Now it was Niko who smiled thoughtfully, his gaze drifting toward the fire. He must have been thinking about the butterfly she’d once made out of gemstones. While he had an understanding of the shape and delicate nature of the insect’s wings, he didn’t know their beauty. Not until she had shown him in the most creative way she knew how—using the energy from stones to create colors.
Gem withdrew her hand. “I was just thinking about how you understand me in a way no one else ever will.”
“Perhaps not ever. I find it impossible to believe there won’t be others who will see what I do. Have you a desire to bond with a Mage? Not now, but someday in the distant future?”
Bonding seemed like such a forever commitment. Poor Hooper had lost his life just being associated with her. “I could never be with anyone as long as I work for Keystone. It’s too dangerous. Besides that, I couldn’t tell them what I do. Even if I did, who would accept me? I went on a killing spree tonight. If I ever settle down doing innocuous work, maybe. I can’t imagine myself alone forever, but I also can’t picture what a normal relationship would look like. Alas, I’m doomed to be alone.”
Gem thought back to her isolated childhood and failed suicide attempt. These weren’t exactly desirable traits to reveal to someone. Only Niko knew all her secrets.
He stroked his chin. “My understanding of relationships is that you define your own rules.”
“I talked to Mary. It’s not her area of expertise, so she didn’t have much to say. If I commit to any one person, someone would have to make compromises. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way it’s always been.”
Gem wasn’t comfortable discussing her sex life at every turn, but Niko knew more about her than anyone else, and he didn’t seem bothered by it at all. Then again, being a virgin meant he didn’t understand the stakes.
Niko reached behind himself and dragged a smaller blanket over her legs. “Then perhaps all the things you truly crave in a partner aren’t found in a traditional relationship. There is intimacy in friendship. You can also find happiness in solitude.”
“That means I’ll always be alone. You chose to guard your purity, and I admire that so much. People seem to think abstaining from sex is difficult, as if sex is just thrown in your lap at every turn. If you commit to something, it’s doable. I just wish I didn’t have to choose one or the other. Iwantto be close with people—Iwantaffection and companionship. Don’t you get lonely?”
“Am I alone now?”
“It’s different. You can always change your mind. Who I am isn’t a choice. I used to think there was something wrong with me, because Iknowhow it’s supposed to be between a couple. I committed myself to overcoming my inadequacies, but after talking to you about it, I did some self-reflection.”
“How so?”
“I love intimacy.That’swhere I get my buzz. Affection makes my energy spike. But… This is awkward to admit,” she said, staring at her hands and hoping he wouldn’t judge her. “I just don’t feel sexual attraction. I don’t possess the same desires and responses as others do. I adore physical affection. Just not the sexual kind.”
He nodded. “You mentioned that before.”
“I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot more and trying to solve it. At first I thought the disconnect had to do with my childhood. Nobody ever hugged me. You don’t know what that does to a person. I crave affection, so why can’t I feel the same about sex? What if it means I can’t love like everyone else? I enjoy soft touches and sometimes a little heavy petting, but there isn’t a soul in the universe who wouldn’t want more from that. Physically. My energy switches on when I’m excited, but my body doesn’t. That’s the trouble, Niko. I don’t want more. How can I give only part of myself and expect it’s enough to keep someone happy? It’s an impossible expectation.”
His dark eyebrows knitted together, giving rise to a stern and mighty look. “Never compromise your beliefs for another, nor should you ask anyone to do the same. You’re not broken. I worry that you’re wasting too much time trying to fix yourself when there’s nothing wrong.”
She stared at the tips of her colorful hair. “Maybe I should try binding with a Mage instead. I’ve never done it because I was afraid I’d accidentally blow someone up, and now that I’ve been learning how to control my energy, binding might be an alternative.”
“You’re far too young to know what you truly desire.”
She curled up, her sleepy blinks becoming longer. “You’re almost two thousand. Have you figured out what you truly desire?” Gem yawned and closed her eyes. “Will I have to wait that long?”
