She found herself unable to sit, so she rose to her feet. Could she tell this memory without unraveling? “I once had a family. There was a land dispute between my tribe and another. Isn’t that what most wars are all about? Land.” Blue turned her back to Matteo and faced the expansive grounds that rolled downward to a valley. “The enemy tribe owned land that our ancestors were buried on. My father couldn’t acquire the rights back, and the leader wouldn’t sell it to him. So they made a treaty. My father would give up his most precious possession in exchange for them agreeing not to build on that land, to only use it for hunting.”
“And you were that possession.”
Blue turned toward him. “Yes. My tribe believed in arranged marriages, and mine was supposed to unite two enemy tribes. I took pride in my role. I had a decent mate, but he wasn’t a tender man. He provided for me and our two sons, and that was enough.”
Matteo stayed seated, his arms draped over his knees, caught in her spell.
“I had good boys though. They loved their mother and made me laugh. They showered me with all the affection that he didn’t, and that made up for everything. My sons were my world.” Blue’s lower lip trembled, and she steered her eyes to the ground. “One day, my chief gave someone permission to build on that land. They had broken the treaty after twenty years. My father’s tribe issued a threat, and I don’t know all the details of what was discussed or not discussed.” She clenched her fists. “They should have worked it out. It didn’t have to be that way.”
Memories sliced through her like hot knives, and she turned to face the darkness. In the distance, a dying fire by Matteo’s campsite seemed to thaw those frozen memories.
Blue swallowed hard, trying to keep that ice beneath her feet as cold as possible. “Once a year, all the warriors gathered for a special tribal ceremony. My mate and older son went, and I stayed home with Chen. We called him Chen for short—his father gave him a ridiculously long name.” Blue tried to smile, but the good memories never stayed for long. “I woke up to screaming and war cries. Chen was only thirteen, but I’ll never forget seeing him face that door with a spear in his hand. My boy was replaced by a man in those moments. He was protecting his mother.” She heard another crack in the ice. “When the door flew open, the first man inside got a spear in the chest. Right through the heart. But the second and third and fourth man who barged in couldn’t be stopped. I took one down with my axe, but the others had taken Chen, forced him on his knees, and…”
Tears streamed down Blue’s face as she stared at that distant fire. “Those men held me down so I could watch my son die. Then they left me. I didn’t have the strength to get up and fight, because my whole world had just ended.” Blue couldn’t bring herself to give Matteo the details of how they had sliced Chen’s throat. How Chen had gasped for air, clutching his neck until he collapsed in a heap.Her child. Her boy. Her cherished one.
She felt Matteo’s hands rest on her shoulders as he stood behind her.
Gathering her courage, she continued. “When my mate and the others returned, they found everyone dead. Everyone except me. My father had given orders to keep me alive. He didn’t care about his grandsons because they shared my mate’s blood—the blood of his enemy.”
“What was your mate’s name?”
Blue whirled around. “He doesn’t deserve his name to ever be spoken on this earth again,” she said through clenched teeth.
Matteo’s nose twitched, and he took a step back.
Blue felt the emotions culminating within her like a cyclone, and that pain turned to fury. “They blamed me. They saidIhad cursed them. Buttheywere the ones who broke the treaty! My father assumed by planting me in that tribe that I would make sure that the treaty was upheld. Those weak and worthless men were to blame.”
“They cast you out, didn’t they?”
Blue shook her head, her eyes sliding down to a brown rabbit nibbling on a patch of grass. “My mate was pressured into taking action—pressured by the tribal council. But he did it without hesitation. They had a ceremony the next day, calling to the gods for strength. They planned to go to war with my father’s tribe, but a sacrifice was in order. All of their women and children were dead.” She lifted her head and held Matteo’s gaze. “They tied down my eldest—the baby I nursed and sang to. The son I had so many dreams for. The young man who was handsome and strong and had caught the eye of several prominent women. Even in his last moments, he looked at me and told me to run. Afraid for my life, he wanted me to flee. He tried to talk me into it the night before, because he felt safe within the tribe. He shared their blood, but I didn’t.”
Matteo released a breath but was unable to say anything.
Blue folded her arms, bracing herself. “Nayati went with such bravery. He braced himself as his father stood over him with the knife. He cursed his father. He called to the spirits of his ancestors to curse everyone in the tribe. Then my mate knelt down, shook his head, and stabbed my son in the chest.”
When the memory took hold, Blue couldn’t keep it together. She grimaced from the pain, the memories so raw and vivid that she relived all those last moments. All the what-ifs and regrets. Why hadn’t she told her son that she loved him? Could she have bargained for his life? All she had done was screamno, no, no.
Matteo’s arms were around her, but they didn’t ease her sorrow. No one had ever comforted her through this pain because it was a tragedy she bore alone. “I’m so sorry, female. Pain like ours should never be endured.”
When Blue remembered the men releasing their hold, how she had rushed to her son and draped herself over him, her knees buckled, and she crashed through the ice. She remembered so vividly placing her hand on his chest and watching his breath grow more and more shallow. She couldn’t even speak in that moment. Bleary-eyed, she had managed to sit up and cradle his face in her hands. Nayati stared up at the sky, his eyes fixed. She remembered the singing around her, celebrating that her firstborn was dead. She remembered the feel of his cheeks in her hands and how chubby they once had been as a child. Blue had held her son until his heart finally stopped, something she felt against her fingertips. His spirit had already departed, but she couldn’t bring herself to let go until he was truly gone.
Now on her knees, Blue fisted the grass, tears spilling down her nose. “I took that knife out of his chest and put it in my mate’s back. Then I found an axe and killed eleven warriors before they could hold me down. I wanted to die fighting. I didn’t care anymore.” She sat back on her heels and wiped her runny nose. “Nothing mattered. My heart and soul both died, and I had nothing to lose. My life was inconsequential.”
Matteo knelt in front of her. “How did you escape?”
“The chief wanted me to live. He wanted me to suffer for my entire life as they would. And I have. I want to remember my sons, but all I can see is the look in their eyes when they died. Be thankful you were at least spared that. My father and my mate stole good memories and replaced them with pain and regret.” She took a calming breath, felt that ice solidifying beneath her feet again. “We argued, you know. Our last night together, and we fought. Nayati was willing to go to battle to avenge his brother’s death. Battle against his own grandfather. He loved his little brother, and it crushed him when he saw the body. He wanted revenge. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose another son, so I told him he couldn’t go to battle with the others. You never think the last conversation you have with someone is going to be the last, and I live with that.”
“I understand that pain more than you know. What happened to your mate?”
“I suppose he’s still alive somewhere. They went to war with my father’s pack, and I walked away. My father betrayed me. My mate betrayed me. I spent years grieving, and when all that rage and sorrow went away, I felt nothing. Ihadnothing. My life was nothing… until I met Viktor. He needed a scout, and I was the best.” Blue quickly wiped her face, stood up, and stalked off.
Why the hell did I tell him all that?she thought.I’ve spent years hiding my past, and now I spill my feelings all over the place in front of a virtual stranger? What is wrong with me?
She finally stopped near an old tree, Matteo’s footsteps just behind her. “Nobody tells you that losing a child is like being an amputee. You can live without your arm, but you’re never whole again. I lost both my arms. Sometimes I forget about them, and then I feel guilty for forgetting.”
“I know that feeling. I wept every day for my family. One day I realized they hadn’t crossed my mind, and I wept from the guilt of forgetting. The guilt of enjoying a day without them.”
“How did you get used to not having them in this world?”
