I knocked on the door and James opened it in a bulky blue robe and fuzzy slippers, her hair falling around her face in a tangled mess.
“Morning,” I said, walking inside, not waiting for a welcome. “You look like you could use some coffee.” I headed straight to the kitchen.
“I think I’m supposed to be the one saying that to you.”
“I’m good,” I stated while starting to grind coffee beans and make quick work of brewing a big pot. “You look sleepy and snuggly.”
“How was the flight?” She stood there, ignoring my cute comment, leaning into the counter opposite me, her red hair in stark contrast to her white kitchen.
“Long. It was a flight. All I wanted was to get back to you.” I treaded carefully, walking toward her, the coffeemaker gurgling in the background.
Stopping just short of our bodies touching, my hands coming to cage her in on either side of the counter, I inhaled her scent. I took my time, letting the lavender fill my nose. I held it in like many people inhale a joint, allowing the drug to fill their lungs, taking their time, and waiting for it to infuse their body.
“James, I’m sorry. I thought about what I could say, what I should say, the whole way here. There’s nothing I can say.” I fell on my proverbial sword. I couldn’t manage anything else.
She didn’t respond, but she didn’t move either.
“I was wrong not to be honest. To not share why I rushed us off to Hawaii. But even if I didn’t have to rush there, I was glad I did. The time with you…it was unrivaled. It was something I’ve wished for all my life without knowing I wished for it.”
My body craved hers; I wanted to close the few inches of space between us. I needed to kiss her.
Instead, I tore myself away and went and poured her a mug of coffee, adding a splash of almond milk before bringing it to her. She took the mug in both hands and brought it to her mouth. “Good?” She nodded. “Drink up.”
She guzzled her morning joe, and I watched her like a voyeur stares through a window at his prey.
“James.” Her name was equal to my breath. “It’s not an excuse, but I can’t be held in contempt for what my mom has done or may do. Bella is nothing but an actress in my movie, and now an enemy for what she did. My mom has always been selfish. You know this…”
“You didn’t—”
She finally spoke, and I interrupted, knowing she was calling me out.I didn’t protect her. “Yes, I know. I can stick up to my mom, insulate you, shield you, like a decent man should do. I could have told my mom to shove it. Bottom line, I don’t have to be a wuss when it comes to Beatrice, and I’m not going to be anymore. My solution has always been to fold and run when it comes to her. I ran to LA. I chased after Billy in Europe. I smuggled us to Hawaii. But hiding is not a solution. I need to stick up for what’s right for me.And. You. Are. Right. For. Me.”
As I spoke, a lone tear fell down her cheek, and then came a second droplet, and within moments James was in my arms, coffee forgotten on the counter. Her tears seeped into my chest as I ran my hand up and down her back, wishing she didn’t have such a heavy robe on, and said for her not to cry—I was here.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. “I love you, James.”
She didn’t say anything, only continued to whimper on my shoulder.
“James, I love you,” I repeated. “I messed up again for the tenth time. I’m beginning to think I will definitely mess up again. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I think I always have. You’re part of my fabric. I cannot alter you out of my life.” I rambled, thinking of what I could say to drive the point home. I produced movies—I didn’t write them. The words didn’t come easy.
“Ford.” She said my name, tilting her head back, sad eyes looking up at me.
“I’m here.” Repeating my words from moments ago, I couldn’t find another response.
She slipped under my arm and moved across the room, sucking back tears. “Ford, I’ve loved you since before I knew what love meant. As a little girl, you were my friend, my playmate, and the person I trusted the most. As a teen, you were more but I kept that hidden. As a college student, you were my everything. Then you weren’t. I never imagined this would happen.” She took a long breath and closed her eyes. “I’m all grown up now. I may not have everything I wanted in life, but I’ve made my peace. I tried to make a life with someone else. It wasn’t what I expected. Maybe spending my future with the love of my life wasn’t in my cards, you know? So I grabbed the first person I met. It was a mistake.”
She didn’t give me a chance to argue as she paced, every now and again looking up at me.
“My dreams may have gone sideways, but I built a career, focused on friends, never imagining I’d have true love in my life. Never—and then I ran into you. Literally. You plucked me out of reality and spun me in your web of dreams, and now I’m stuck in the web even though it feels like the universe wants to push me out. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense.”
“You deserve a future with the love of your life,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying.
“Maybe that’s true, but I never expected that kind of love to come with so many lies.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you but ended up doing exactly that. I know that now, but I want to be the love of your life more than any other position on this Earth. Sounds dramatic, I’m sure, but I’m here for the job. My performance review may be shit, but I’m extremely good at taking constructive criticism.”
Finally, she looked at me—dead-on—and spoke softly. “I love you, Ford. But—”
“No buts, please,” I said, interrupting her and storming her personal space, gathering her close, holding her tight, inhaling her scent again, fearing it might be the last hit I’d ever get. “I’m telling you I messed up. I’m going to do it again, but no buts. Please. I want this. I’m here.”
