“This is what your mom wants,” he’d said behind me.
“If I were you, I wouldn’t talk to me again.” At least a foot taller than him, I swiveled my body and shot him a glare. That was the last thing I’d said to Steven before leaving and heading back to the rental apartment.
Per Scotty, my mom had retired to her room, so we got drunk like when we were teenagers and my parents went to bed. At least my brother had been able to leave the DC scene behind for a few hours. My mom could never do that, not in a million years. Luckily, Billy had been away. She’d gone to New York for a meeting and arrived home around midnight. She rolled her eyes at the two of us playing quarters with two shot glasses of whiskey, and then poured herself a glass of wine.
Now, the next night, as I drove aimlessly—Who the fuck am I kidding? I knew exactly where I was heading. The only place I wanted to go after a day of planning and orchestrating with my mom and my brother’s wife at the helm of the planning. Both those women were insufferable with their collectivewe should do thisandcould you not do thisandit would be better if we did thisattitude.
There was never any mention of what we wanted to do or what we were feeling. Conways didn’t feel. We acted and smiled for the cameras.
I parked in front of Jamie’s historic-looking row house, and I said a silent prayer she’d let me in. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know I was messing this up. Again. When it came to James, I was the master of fucking shit up. My therapist would say I pushed goodness away. That I didn’t believe I deserved happiness.Fuck him too.
Walking up Jamie’s steps, I didn’t even know if she’d be home. I’d meant to go ask Ashley, but my mom’s barking had chased me out of the hospital. She’d been on a tear about my tie for the services, which were to be aired on national television, as if I didn’t know.
As I made it to the top step, the door opened, and there stood James, holding it open for her friend Val. Bells went off in my head. She’d called in her friend.
“Oh, Ford,” Val said, looking at me. “I’m sorry about your dad.” Val appeared to be an ally, and I sent up a silent thanks to God or Buddha or whoever was watching over me.
“I didn’t tell her. She saw on the news.” I couldn’t even be mad at Jamie’s hostile response; I’d left her to do that.
“I know, come on,” I told Jamie and then said, “Thank you,” to Val.
“Talk to you later,” Val said to Jamie before running down the steps.
It was then I took in James, her face tear-streaked, hair curly, wearing an oversized sweater and leggings but no shoes.
“Hi,” I said, my breath evening out the minute I was near here.
“Ford, you can’t—”
I had to cut her off because I knew what she was going to say. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want you to get sucked into my mom’s theatrics… I know I shouldn’t just show up, but I had to.”
I was still standing on her stoop, her feet firmly planted on the boundary between the outside and her inside.
“Can I come in, please?”
She shook her head, but took a step backward at the same time, making passage for me.
I slid inside her house and took a long inhale. “James,” I exhaled.
She walked toward the kitchen. The same one where we’d made out and shared ice cream like teens in heat.
With her hip jutted into the counter, she spoke. “Ford, we’re not young kids anymore. We are both grown adults. That doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad we got a chance to reconnect, but I don’t have the fortitude for this. This hot-cold thing, or whatever it is.”
I went to her. Standing in front of her, I looked into her eyes, my hand desperate to reach out and touch her curls. “I was being selfish again, but my family is not normal, and you don’t need to get involved in all that.”
“They’re part of you. You’re part of them.”
“Not when I’m in LA. I’m me.”
“Then why get involved at the hospital here? Say you’re coming back? I may have acted like it was a crumb, but it made me hopeful. To have you back in my life again.”
I never remembered James being this forthright, but I liked it. “Because of you. It’s always been because of you, James.”
“No.” It came out as a whisper. “It’s been two decades, but it’s never been me,” she argued.
I had no response but to close the distance between us and kiss her. I needed to feel her, inhale all that was James.
She didn’t resist the kiss. Melting into me, she moaned, and my tongue entered her mouth. I pressed harder into her lips and lifted her onto the counter behind her, making my way in between her legs. “It’s always been you. Me protecting you from me. From them.” I mumbled into her mouth, before leaning back, breaking free, and taking a long look at her. Her gray, almost silver eyes were soulful and beckoning me. “I never wanted you to hurt, and I hurt you anyway.” I meant it, but I knew she wouldn’t accept it.
