When your husband uses your body as a moving target, Epsom salt baths become your good friend. Although I tried to soak in them when Tommy wasn’t home. If he saw me, he’d take it as a further sign of weakness or submission.
Priscilla and I had a fun dinner at Stephanie’s before picking up cupcakes to go from a bakery and heading home. It wasn’t until we were in the last five minutes of our drive, she asked, “What did you think that Mick guy meant by his dad wasn’t a good guy?”
It shouldn’t have caught me off guard, but it did.
“I, um, I’m not sure,” I stammered.
“You know, I think he meant like Dad.” Priscilla said it matter-of-factly while staring straight out the windshield.
Of course, I couldn’t find the right words.
“He’s not nice,” she said. “I mean, sometimes he’s nice to me, but never nice to you. You think I don’t notice, but I do. I don’t like it, you know?”
“Priscilla—”
“I don’t tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about. That’s why I don’t have my friends around a lot. It’s not really any of their business, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed.”
She sneaked a peek at me, and I wished I weren’t driving. Then I realized that’s why my smart daughter had waited to have this conversation until we were in the car.
“That’s not what I meant, sweetie.” I cleared my throat before continuing. “I meant, I’m sorry you have to know about this. That you have to see this at home. I blame myself because I’ve tried to hide it.”
Emotions flooded my body—shame, guilt, and anger—all directed at myself. The very thing I’d tried to avoid had happened, and I never expected to have this conversation with my preteen daughter.
“No, Mom, don’t. This is on Dad, not you. I know that.”
I didn’t know when Priscilla became so worldly ... or why she was smarter than me. My mouth opened and closed like a fish, the right words—the wrong ones too—stuck in my throat.
“Maybe we can be like that Mick guy? He seems to have gotten rid of his dad ... and now he’s happy,” my daughter said.
Needing to be the parent, I glanced at her as I struggled to find the right thing to say. “You know, I don’t know what that was all about, but you may be right. Mick seems to have left whatever hurtful things in his past. Maybe we will too. It could be a motivator.”
“I hope,” she said before we turned into the driveway. As soon as the car was parked, she raced upstairs to her room with her new purchases and cell phone in hand, presumably to show all her friends what I bought for her.
“I hope so too,” I muttered before walking straight toward the kitchen for a much-needed glass of wine.
Wineglass in hand, I leaned against the counter at my bathroom sink with the shower running, hiding the sound of my crying. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stifled my sobs.
I had to do something, but I didn’t know what. I thought about asking my mom for help again, but quickly pushed that thought away.
Pulling my shirt over my head, I sniffed back the last of my tears and picked up my wine for another sip. I didn’t have any proof of Tommy’s abuse. I’d never gone to a doctor or hospital with my injuries, and had never called anyone for help. It was his word against mine. One thing I knew for sure was I didn’t want to involve Priscilla in this.
As I was undressing, my phone lit up on the bathroom counter, and I couldn’t help but look.
Hope you had a fun time with your girl. She’s sweet, like you.
I didn’t need to glance at the contact to know who it was. Mick—my biggest mistake, and also the man I wanted the most. I whipped out a quick response before undressing and getting in the shower.
We did. Thanks for being cool.
As the water washed over me, I thought it through and decided to let it rinse away my transgression. Tonight’s conversation with Priscilla was a call to action.
My spirit renewed, I wrapped myself in my robe, grabbed my wine, and sat down on the bed only to find my willpower gone.
Getting away from Tommy was going to be hard. He would hold everything over my head until I was powerless. I knew that as well as I knew I was righthanded and my second toe was longer than my first. He just would.
Being with Mick made me feel alive and, quite frankly, powerful, so when he texted back, I decided to respond.
I wasn’t sure how to play it, so I thought simple was best.
