It was the first moment of affection we’d ever shared. I didn’t know how it made me feel, but this wasn’t the time for my feelings. Stepping back, I cleared my throat. We stood there, two men squaring off in the lobby of this uppity hotel.
“Let’s sit down for a minute,” he said.
I nodded, and we found two highbacked, uncomfortable-as-shit chairs.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” My dad choked on his words, his own pain visible in the dark circles under his eyes. “I thought Paula was out of the woods. For a while, she was doing better. She didn’t want me back in her life, especially after I’d gone and found you. It was too painful. She hadn’t been able to do the same, and on some level, she couldn’t stand herself for that.”
Running my hand through my greasy hair, I realized it had been close to two days since I’d showered. It didn’t matter; I’d been busy doing what I had to.
“These are things I don’t need to hear,” I said abruptly to my dad.
“Yes, I know, but I’m guessing you’re not going to let me get face-to-face with Emerson for some time, so I thought you could relay the message. Please?”
I nodded, and he went on.
“This is my doing. I don’t want you to blame yourself, but when I reconnected with you ... Paula lost it. She couldn’t stop dwelling in the woulda, coulda, shoulda if she’d connected with her daughter. You have to know the background ... for the longest time, we were both a mess. We’d both lost the most precious thing ever—our kids—thanks to our own doing. But together, we were whole.”
He pulled in a deep breath, blinking hard. “Then we unraveled, divorced, for no reason other than we should’ve never fallen for each other—or anyone, for that matter. My reuniting with you messed with Paula, and she started really heavy using again, whatever she could get her hands on. She’d already been dabbling again. She’d left the apartment a few months before I went to get you ... had run off with a young guy for a bit, and then she floundered.”
Tears welled in my dad’s eyes. “Anyway, now she’s gone for good. It’s all on me. I failed her.”
I should have felt something at seeing his pain, but I couldn’t dredge up anything. “Listen, it sounds like she was a really damaged person. None of this is your fault. I don’t know what to say about us, but in terms of Paula, you did all you could.” It was about all that I could offer up.
His hand came to rest on top of mine, and even I didn’t have the heart to move it. “I need this. Us. Whatever little or more it can be. I’m all alone, Price. I know I’ve not done a single thing right, but I’m going to try. For you, and for Emerson ... in memory of Paula.”
I couldn’t make myself agree. Not now. When it came to Emerson, there had been too many empty promises.
“Okay,” I said. “Look, I need to get back up to Emerson. She’s my main priority right now, and I can’t even think about anything else ... not now. Let’s talk more later. Leave it open?”
I stood, and he followed suit.
“Please call me,” he said, his voice weak.
I nodded and walked toward the elevator.
Outside the hotel room door, I stilled my hand. I wanted to barge in, grab Emerson, and take her home to the farm, just leave this shithole city behind. But I couldn’t rush her—I knew better than that. Plus, I didn’t even know if she wanted to move to the farm.
Leaning my head against the wall, I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing I’d stay or do whatever she wanted. Go to the beach, stay here, move home ... it made no difference, as long as we were together. Pulling in a deep breath, I pulled out my keycard.
“I’m back,” I said softly, opening the door.
“Hey,” she said to me from the couch.
“Hey, you. Where’s your dad?”
“Shower. We had a good cry, and then I needed a break from him.”
I sat next to her, gathered all her limbs in my arms, and held her tight—probably too tight. “He loves you.”
“It was enough,” she said. “It always was. I don’t know what I was looking for in all this. He should’ve always been enough.”
“He was. But you can’t blame yourself for wanting to meet your mom.”
Emerson nodded into my shoulder. “I did. I really did. I’m sorry she had to die ... because now my questions will never be answered. I know that’s selfish, but it’s the truth. I just wanted to know why.”
“It’s not selfish. You’re just a girl looking for answers. No one would blame you.”
She held on to me as if I held all the answers. It made me feel like I had the world in the palms of my working-guy’s hands.
