My dad broke down and wept on the other end of the line, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care. Not one single bit.
This would destroy Emerson.
I couldn’t be bothered with my relationship with him, or his rescue fantasy, or whatever other shit he had going on. I had more important things to focus on.
“Listen to me.” I stood up, fisting my free hand. Thank fuck this conversation wasn’t in person, or I would have beaten my own father to a bloody pulp. “You are going to call Emerson and tell her what happened. You’re going to tell her every single memory you have about Paula even thinking about her. Make them up, if you don’t have them. You’re going to tell her how much she regretted leaving her daughter. Again, make this shit up if you have to. You’re going to give her closure. Allow Emerson to grieve.”
“And what are you going to do?” my dad asked, his voice cracking.
“The fuck? You don’t get to make demands of me. You get to do a lot of heavy lifting, and I hope I decide to forgive you for your disappearing act when I was little. For your duplicity now. For moving me into your ex-wife’s apartment, knowing I fell for her daughter, and sitting back and watching everything unfold like it’s some sort of sick soap opera.”
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?”
“I’ll let you know. First things first. I’m going to text you Emerson’s number, and you do what I told you to do. I have an apartment to sell ... and don’t you dare say it’s not mine to sell. You owe me this and more. And after dealing with all this BS, I have classes to attend.”
In all my rage and anger, I realized what I wanted to do with my life and the fucking opportunity that fell in my lap. It would take more of my dad’s guilt money, but I couldn’t give any fucks.
It was a no-fucks-given kind of day.
Later that night, I lay in bed with what was left of a fifth of bourbon on the bedside table. Sleep was elusive.
Emerson didn’t take my call earlier. My head pounded and my heart hurt at not knowing where she was. Finally, I gave in and called her dad. He told me she was at Sheila’s place, and he knew what happened.
To say Bend was beating himself up over it was an absolute understatement. I told him it wasn’t his fault. Emerson was bound and determined to find her mom. What he didn’t know yet was that Paula was dead. I guessed my dad hadn’t called Emerson yet.
Grabbing the pillow on Emerson’s side of the bed, I breathed in what was left of her scent.
My eyes had just closed, visions of my plan coming to mind, when my phone rang. Jumping up quickly, I hoped it was Emerson.
No such luck. My dad.
“I just hung up with Emerson,” he said.
“What took you so long?” I demanded.
“I wanted to make the arrangements first. Paula’s parents are both gone now, and I’m all she had.”
I didn’t give a shit about any of that. “Is Emerson coming to the funeral?” That’s what I wanted to know.
“I gave her the details,” my dad said.
“I’ll be there with you.”
At least I knew I’d see Emerson there. There was no way she could stay away.
Emerson
At the same time numb and yet torn apart, I stood at my mother’s casket in the funeral home, all my emotions bubbling up out of me. I didn’t care about the other people in the room, there to mourn her passing. I had a lot to say to this woman who’d birthed me, then left me, and I was going to have my say, no matter what.
“All these years,” I said to her pale, still face, my voice broken. “You knew where I was, but you denied me. You ... you withheld it all from me ... but why? I need to know, and for God’s sake, now you can’t tell me. What did I do to deserve this? Beborn? All Iever wantedwas someone to care for me more than ... than themselves. Someone other than Dad. Really, that’s the truth.”
Leaning closer to her, I said, “I wanted a mom like everyone else.” My words were meant to be whisper, but they came out more of a garble.
“I want you to answer me!” A bit of hysteria entered my voice, raw anger bubbling in my throat as I balled my hands into fists. If I didn’t keep myself together, I’d grab her poor lifeless body and shake it to death.
Oh, right. She’s dead already.
I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions, but I couldn’t help myself.
