We drove back, both of us sneaking admiring glances at each other and Tuck.
Later, with Tuck asleep in his crate, a bottle of wine and empty cartons of Chinese food on the coffee table in front of us, a shiver ran through my body, despite me doing my best not to expose my anxiety.
I wasn’t scared of Price. He’d never hurt me or push me to do something. My own insecurities and general lack of experience when it came to the prospect of having sex put the fear of God in me. Usually, I covered up my nerves with a hard candy-coated shell. But my shell was failing me tonight.
“Em, look at me.” Price lightly tipped my face toward him. “Where’d you go?”
We were lying on the couch, me settled on top of him, between his legs. My head rested on his chest, my hair fanning out behind me, his hardness making itself known.
I didn’t know what to do with all of these feelings, both physical and emotional. The whole scenario was daunting. It was like preparing to jump off a cliff without a parachute. My emotions, the blistering heat in my belly, and the pounding in my chest were enough to send me into cardiac arrest. I could hear my heartbeat whooshing in my ears.
“Em? Earth to Em, come back to me.”
“Sorry, I spaced out.” My words croaked out. I didn’t—couldn’t—look Price in the eyes.
We had kissed a lot over the last few weeks, but he hadn’t touched me otherwise. We hadn’t given ourselves a chance.
He shifted slightly, and as his knee bumped mine, he covered my knee with his palm and steadied it. “Don’t be sorry. What’s wrong? Talk to me, Em.”
“It’s just ... usually, I think I’m such a badass. Thought I had everything figured out, but I don’t know shit. And I guess I’m scared,” I murmured into his chest, still refusing to make eye contact. Another chill ran through me, and Price pulled me closer. “I know I put on this act, and sometimes, I don’t think you’re falling for it. I know you’re not, so why do you let me get away with it?”
His hand ran down my back and up again, working its way around my shoulder until his knuckles met my cheek. They grazed over my face as his warm gaze beat down on the top of my head, challenging me to look at him. His breathing was even—one breath in and another out—unlike mine. While his chest rose and fell in an easy rhythm, my breath whipsawed in and out, and my heart pounded like a wild beast. I tried to mimic him, syncing my breath to his.
“You don’t have to be scared or know anything at all or have everything figured out. That’s called being young, living life, figuring it out as you go, Em. You need to gain life experiences. Preferably with me by your side. That makes you a badass. When you decide to make mistakes alongside someone else. Showing your inexperience to the world and not being afraid to raise your hand and ask for help.”
My frantic pulse slowed a little at his words. “Well, it’s a bit different. You’re older and have more experience. You know what you’re doing.”
“So? I’m still going to make mistakes in life.”
“No, what I mean is ... I’ve never been with anyone, and now I want to be with you, and I worry about it, now that it matters,” I said softly. Then I whispered even softer, “What if I mess everything up?”
When an earthquake came from below me and a loud rumble erupted from Price’s chest, I looked up to take in his huge smile. Price continued to laugh, his eyes squinting, his mouth wide.
“Is that what this is all about? Do you think I’m worried? I’m not. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting, and it’ll be magnificent. Until then, my fingers, my hand, my mouth, I want them everywhere ... on you, in you. And when you’re ready—and only when you’re ready—all of me will be inside you. There’s no pressure, Em.”
“Is that why you always cut the evening short? You’re giving me space? I don’t want that.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I leaned my forehead into his shoulder in shame, his dirty words from before making me high. Not in a romantic or sweet way, but more raw and real. I wasn’t sure if they should be doing what they were doing to me ... making me hot and bothered, making me feel sensual and wanted.
“I don’t want gentle, or for you to go easy on me.” I pressed my face further into his chest, my words and breath painting his skin.
“Don’t you dare hide from me.” He gripped my hair and gently tugged my head back. “No shame here with me and you. Hear me? It’s why I never bring it up. I figured you’d tell me when you wanted to, or I’d find out when it happened naturally. Until then, I’m fine. I’m a patient man, and I was waiting for the timing to be right for you. Got it?”
I stared at him, this strong man, hardened already at twenty-three from real manual labor, determined to make something of himself despite the shitstorm surrounding him. His words were so special in their own way, with his feelings evident in each one.
“Huh? I didn’t hear you, Emmy? You hear me?”
“But I don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to all that. I was supposed to do the deed, and I didn’t ... and now I’m in so deep with you, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“And thank fucking God for all of that.”
His breath feathered over my neck as he pressed a line of kisses to my jaw and back to my clavicle. We lay cuddled on his couch, leftovers from our dinner growing cold on the coffee table. “We’re in no rush. I’m not going anywhere. Christ, I’m stuck here another three years for school. You better not be leaving this city if I have to stay here.”
His words tickled my skin. His lips weren’t smooth like Robby’s, who had been my only real kiss, but they felt better. Like something true and honest, and alive.
With my heart thumping, I said, “I’m not ready.”
“That’s good. Neither am I.”
