Emerson
“Emerson! Stop. Don’t do this! Emerson, please don’t do this. I didn’t mean it. Please, Emmy ...”
His words echoed in my head but didn’t stop me. I slammed the car door right in my dad’s face, shutting him up in mid-plea.
I couldn’t listen to him.
Didn’t dare.
Not for one second longer.
Not this time.
Not even when he called meEmmy.
We’d had this fight before—a million and two times. Each time, I gave in and did it his way. Our fights always ended with me crying on his shoulder, and him rubbing my back, shushing me and telling me to let it go.
Just the thought of it made me grit my teeth.
The last time, I’d sworn to never bringherup again, and he’d said the same. It was a mutual decision. Yet, I was the one to break our promise. I was the one who dared speak her name aloud.
Five stupid letters, P-A-U-L-A, came tumbling from my lips, inside the four walls of our house, the exact place where I’d promised not to say it.
Paula had always been and continued to be a curse word between us—worse thanfuck. Her name was only brought out when the big guns were needed, or when the most painful wound needed to be inflicted. The mere mention of her name left a gaping gash in us that no superglue or stitches would easily remedy.
Which is why he’d spent my whole life convincing me she needed to stay where she’d always been—deep in my past.
Although I tried not to bring her up in regular conversation, Paula haunted my dreams and waking hours in equal measure. Dad was the better person, and only spoke of her when I was bold enough to say her name first.
Except this time, I wasn’t full of piss and vinegar and false threats.
Boldly, I’d said her name loud and proud. For once in my short life, I took him to task. I was determined to find her, and he wasn’t going to stop me. He was squeezing the life out of me with his rules and curfews.
Yeah, I was all he had, and he’d been a single dad since I was born, butfuck it. The man had been my rock, but he was also a major pain in my ass.
Like right now, waving his hands in the air, begging me to stop.
Not gonna do it, Dad.
This time, he’d gone too far. He had no right to tell me I couldn’t date Robby Williams. Actually, dating I could do. It was the other stuff Dad wouldn’t allow.
So what if I wanted to stay out with Robby ... all night? I was eighteen, had just graduated from high school, and would be off to school in the fall. I could do whatever I wanted, even if I still lived at home. Right?
“Paula would let me do it.”Tired of always giving in, this time I’d held my ground, threatening him with the only thing I knew would hurt. It wouldn’t just sting; it would bite like a samurai sword slicing through raw flesh. Any other threat would have cut like a butter knife.
He stared at me, taking in my angry face and heaving chest before boldly daring me. “Fine, Emerson, be my guest. Go find your long-lost mommy and see if she cares.”
As soon as he’d said it, he broke down and cupped my cheeks, his calloused palms gentle on my skin. “I didn’t mean it, honey, I swear. This is hard. I can’t always be the perfect mom and dad, all at the same time.”
With what I was certain had to be a thousand red splotches creeping up my neck, I decided to go for it. Take him up on his challenge and go look for Paula. After all, in three short months, I’d be gone anyway.What’s wrong with setting out a little early?
Somehow, I reversed out of the driveway without hitting anything and threw the car in drive, watching with one eye as my dad’s silhouette disappeared in the rearview mirror.
With the windows down, my long hair blowing behind me, I cranked up the radio. It didn’t escape me that I didn’t have a clue where I was going or who I was even looking for, but that was me. Impulsive, determined, misguided—a dangerous combination—but me, nonetheless.
With a few thousand dollars saved up from working every weekend, and a nice savings bond left me in my grandpap’s will, I decided I was actually doing it. I was going to find my mom and bring her back.
Period.
