I sneak a few minutes of phone time in the bathroom, scrolling through Twitter and Facebook while sitting on the toilet. My email dings and I pop over there, expecting to find nothing but new comments on today’s post, “Don’t be a Witch,Nanny Blue.” Basically,Nanny Blueis a real bitch of a nanny who is able to afford being a stay-at-home mom by watching a few other kids. The lady can’t be more condescending, and I love pulling the plug on her bullshit.
I have a hundred new comments to sift through later, but the latest email isn’t about those. It’s an update fromGrill and Groom.
Okay, okay, I signed up for updates. This Reid is good. And funny. And handsome. I can’t fucking believe it, but I’m inspired to get a small grill and make sea bass. Although, I’d rather eat it off his abs.
The headline reads,LATEST ON GRILL AND GROOM: HALLOWEEN HALIBUT AND S’MORES ON THE GRILL.
Of course, there’s a picture of darling Reid, licking some marshmallow off the corner of his mouth.
Why can’t I lick it off?
“Mom, come on! Me and Lizzie want to go,” Gabby calls from her room. I assume they left a mess on the kitchen counter and are wrestling into their princess costumes.
After pulling up my not-so-clean running pants, I wash my hands, run a semi-damp hand along my hair, smoothing it into its ponytail, and pinch my cheeks. Makeup isn’t going to help me now.
While I grab some lip balm, I make a mental note to prep some makeup blog fodder. I recently got an alert for a blogger now peddling her own line of hair color with coordinating shades fordown below.
“Here I come, girls.”
The two come plodding out to meet me, their hair falling out of their braids and twisted in crowns, long dresses trailing behind them.
“Oh my God, you two look precious.”
The girls both turn toward me with huge smiles and smudges of lipstick on their faces. They couldn’t be more perfect. So much better than all those primped and proper kids featured on blogs across the country.
“Let’s get a picture for Lizzie’s mom, and then we’ll hit the road,” I tell the girls. “One sec, let me just fix up your lipstick and add a wee bit of glitter.” I can’t help myself, but I run my thumb over both their chins and clean up their faces.
Don’t look at me that way!
I only adjusted their lips. Not their hair.
There’s a small shopping area nearby on the fringes of a neighborhood. The store owners all hand out candy, and the center is safe and well lit. I decide to drive the girls over there and let them skip in front of me from shop to shop. I welcome dusk, inviting it to hide my naked face and dingy clothes.
“Mom, Mom!” Gabby calls to me from in front of the shoe store. “They have coffee for the moms.”
Now, the only thing better would be if they said they had wine, but this is Pennsylvania, which has some of the craziest liquor-control laws known to man. I stick my hands in the pockets of my ratty cardigan sweater I grabbed out of the trunk of my car and walk a few paces to the storefront.
“We have coffee for the weak and weary.” A woman wearing devil horns gives me a smile. She looks to be about forty.
“Was it the heavy bags under my eyes or the fact that the streetlight was holding me up that gave me away?”
“Nah, I just know. Been there, done that, three times. My youngest is thirteen now and off with his friends. This is my happy place, helping other parents.”
“Thanks,” I say, and help myself to a cup of joe from the cardboard container on the table.
“Cream?”
I shake my head.
“Ms. Andi, look at these shoes,” Lizzie calls to me from the store window.
Lifting my head, I catch a glimpse of a pair of glittery pink slip-ons. “They’re pretty awesome.”
“I’m partial to those myself,” the friendly woman says.
“That’s my daughter’s friend. I’m sure she’ll tell her parents. This night is pretty good marketing for you, I bet?”
“The best kind. Face-to-face, make-a-good-first-impression type of thing. The kind that doesn’t happen all too often anymore with everyone buying stuff on the internet.”
