I was a hysterical, wet mess, dripping in tears and snot.
“Shh, she was interested in you, yes, because of all of this. Her dad said something after the explosion about her,ourmom, always being fascinated with explosions. The thing sat in her brain for a long time. She never really knew our mom. She wanted to meet you, hear about the explosion, but then she became somewhat infatuated with you on a professional level. I don’t know, maybe it’s all twisted together.”
My nose was a faucet of mucus, my mouth a waterfall of feelings. “Why didn’t her dad go to the police?”
“I guess he was as smitten with my mom as my pops. Lived in hope she’d be back for a happy life, or whatever.”
“Oh my God, I can’t make sense of this. What the hell was with your mom?”
“It took me a while too.” His hand smoothed my hair behind my ear.
I wanted to sink deeper into him.
I wanted to run away.
I wanted to die.
I didn’t know what the hell I wanted.
But more than anything, I wanted to live the happily-ever-after I’d never thought was possible.
“You said we’d move in together. You loved me, yet you were doing all this behind my back…on the web? How were you going to keep these secrets from me?” The last part was hushed, words I didn’t want to say aloud.
“I found a way to get into the boards, followed some old conversations, pieced some shit together, hacked into newer conversations. Shit started making sense, especially after Abbie told me. Then I found the name with the extra A. I was close to understanding it all when I found something about the new explosion, and I knew I had to blow the whistle.”
“Again, what about me? Why did you leave?” I couldn’t bring Abby back. I needed to make sense of why I’d lost someone else. How did I let Aiken slip through my hands, or why did he want to escape?
“I didn’t want anything to blow back on you. I left because I wanted you to be in the free and clear. I never imagined I’d fall for someone while here, let alone you. My feelings were in so deep with you, so much more than I could reconcile with what I was finding out. I separated them. There was you, and then there was this, but they’re not separate, and I had to choose. In a way, I felt like I chose you because I wanted to keep you safe.”
“And my paper? My job, all the extra work Mary’s been throwing me?”
“Mary’s been helping me.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I inhaled and exhaled, my body limp with fatigue. I couldn’t feel my limbs or my heart, and I decided I liked it.
“Thing is, I don’t know how we move forward. It’s not possible.” It was a whisper from the back of my throat. Hushed. Maybe if we didn’t hear it, it wouldn’t be true?
“I know, but I’m not my mom. I’m me. I didn’t even know what she was doing, and you know I don’t condone it. Right?”
There was a string tethering us together, and it was shrinking with every one of his words.
“And you’re you,” he said. “My heart beats stronger when it’s with you. I’m afraid that without you my heart will shrivel up. You have to believe me.” His words continued to draw me near.
“I need time. Time to understand, digest all of this. You have to let me be.” I couldn’t look him in the face, couldn’t forget what a horrendous mess I must’ve looked like. I needed physical space. When I was close to him, I couldn’t think straight. I was too close as it was.
“I get it. I don’t want to, but I do.” His words were a whisper of defeat, his eyes flat.
“How did you think I would act? Happy? I need time alone. That’s what I need.” I slipped out from his hold and moved to the other side of the couch despite his furrowed brow.
Looking worse than a dejected Smitty, he stood and kissed the top of my head. “I’ll be next door.”
And then he was gone.
